Some Insufficient Words About Stephen Sondheim

Stephen Sondheim died Sunday. Describing him as a “composer," “lyricist" or even an “American musical theatre legend" feels too limiting, like calling Shakespeare a guy who wrote plays, and Sondheim is very much the 20th Century Shakespeare, a visionary who revolutionized an art form. This would've been true if Sondheim had died from his heart attack at 49, but he lived to 91 and was only more innovative in his later years.

I'm neither qualified nor emotionally ready to articulate Sondheim's place in history. I can only discuss what he means to me, if you'll forgive the indulgence.

I clearly recall the first time I heard a Sondheim song. Yes, this makes me incredibly middle-aged, but I watched the first-ever broadcast of the Fox network on April 5, 1987. There were two airings that night of the pilots for "Married ... with Children" and "The Tracey Ullman Show." During the first Ullman sketch, “The Makeover," she sings Sondheim's “I Feel Pretty" in front of a mirror. (Music by Leonard Bernstein.)

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You Bought Nothing Yesterday. Now It's Time To WONKETTE BAZAAR!

You have a loved one who LURVES YOUR WONKETTE. Buy them some shit straight from our basement! Nota bene: We are shutting down our basement factory right after Christmas, so if you wanted some presents from us anytime in the first half of the year, please to buy it ahead of time, hide it in your garage, and then forget not only where you hid it, but also what you bought. Now you are a Schoenkopf, you lucky bastard you.

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(PSSST *Grandma* Wonkette's Pineapple Orange Cranberry Sauce Is Better, Actually)

For years now — seven at least, suckers — we have been making Aunt Wonkette's Real Cranberry Business. It's great! (Needs more sugar. Not Oprah-level four damn cups, but one would be nice.) But last year, we did not do that. We wanted pineapple, which we almost always have on hand ever since your comrade Vegan & Peeara or whatever she is named these days told us while we visited her in Charleston that pineapples are symbols of hospitality.

So fuck it, we did it live!

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The Days Of Black Friday Starting Thanksgiving Night Maybe Coming To An End (Thankfully)

Black Friday is rough.

As a former mall employee, I hate it with every fiber of my being. It's just a whole long horrible, unavoidable day of people screaming at you and making a mess and pulling you in different directions and asking you to do shit that is not your job and having to call security because someone left their baby with you to go shop at another store (true story!) while the same awful perky/weirdly depressing songs play over and over again on a loop. I swear to God I actually start to itch every time I hear "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses.

Lucky me, though, I was out before it got really bad. It was around a decade ago that stores, big box stores at least, started on their "Now we open at midnight on Thanksgiving!" shit, which swiftly morphed into "Now we open at 5pm on Thanksgiving!" shit, meaning that employees could not celebrate Thanksgiving with their families. For those of you who have never worked in that industry, most stores have "blackout dates" where you can't request any days off from a little before Thanksgiving to Christmas, so it's not as if the employees could say "Oh no thank you, I have plans."

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coronavirus

Republicans Say Omicron Variant Is Plot To Steal Election, Storm Border, Other Things Probably We Bet

Objective reality just a subjective construct, man.

Did you know "omicron" is an anagram of "moronic"? And also "oncomir" which is an RNA molecule associated with cancer?

Obviously this means the government is either having a big laugh trying to lock us all down forever, or trying to give us cancer through the booster shots. But don't take the word of internet randos for it, you need to DO UR OWN RESEARCH.

Unless you are an IRL medical doctor who should bloody well know better, like Texas GOP Rep. Ronny Jackson. The former White House physician, whose nomination to head the Veterans Administration imploded over allegations that he's a filthy, drunken lecher, is now a proud member of the House of Representatives.

"Here comes the MEV - the Midterm Election Variant!" he tweeted this weekend. "They NEED a reason to push unsolicited nationwide mail-in ballots. Democrats will do anything to CHEAT during an election - but we're not going to let them!"

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Conspiracy theories

QAnon Weirdos Explain Michael Flynn's One Weird Trick To Not Actually Denounce Them

It all makes sense, if you yourself make no sense.

This weekend, wingnut attorney Lin Wood released a recording of a conversation between himself and Gen. Michael Flynn, with whom he is currently on the outs, in which Flynn disparaged "the QAnon movement" as "total nonsense," suggesting that it was a plot by the CIA and "the Left." As if we actually wanted to know that we live in a country filled with people who would fall for that crap.


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Elections

Centrist Rep. Tom Suozzi Latest Dem Who'd Like To Be New York Governor Instead Of Kathy Hochul

No, thank you!

Democrat Kathy Hochul became the first woman governor of New York after she replaced scumbag Andrew Cuomo in August. She plans to run for a full term in 2022, but already has challengers from within the party. There’s New York Attorney General Letitia James, who declared her candidacy earlier this month. Here’s her campaign launch video.

JAMES: I’ve spent my career guided by a simple principle. Stand up to the powerful on behalf of the vulnerable, to be a force for change.

James is a public defender, and as attorney general she’s not hesitated to go after drug companies and the NRA. She’s also making Donald Trump and his scuzzy family very uncomfortable.

JAMES: I’ve sued the Trump administration 76 times — but who’s counting?

I like James, and if she wins, she’d be the first Black woman governor in the country ... ever.

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