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Wonkette Is Now A Kamala Harris 2020 Fanblog

Stop in the name of the law! And buy these Kamala 2020 T-shirts we made you ourselves!

What's up fuckers? Were you waiting for me to come back from Mexico and write words at ya? Well, you know I don't write words at ya anymore, because of how I hate you, each, individually, but more importantly Trump has knocked all the words right out of my silly little lady brain.

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Mohammad Bone Saw Strikes Again, And This Time Trump Is Helping!

Shit is COMPLICATED.

BONESAW WEEK WILL NEVER END! It's like Infrastructure Week, only stuff actually happens. And the stuff is all horrible! This morning, Saudi authorities indicted 11 suspects in the October killing of Jamal Khashoggi, announcing their intention to execute five of them. Despite copious evidence that the killing in the Turkish consulate was ordered by Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, lackeys are going to take the fall -- with their heads. And the US Treasury Department dutifully responded by imposing sanctions on 17 Saudis "involved in the abhorrent killing" of a legal US resident who was in the process of applying for citizenship. So, we're good now, yes? We can go back to selling them murder machines to kill Yemeni civilians?

And then SHIT GOT WEIRD.

NBC reports that the Trump administration is so desperate to resume normal relations with Jared Kushner's BFF MBS that they're trying to trade 77-year-old cleric Fetullah Gülen -- a lawful resident of Pennsylvania for 20 years -- to the Turkish government in exchange for them dropping the inquiry into the Khashoggi murder.

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Why Is Trump Having A Bumbling Lunatic Roid-Rage Sh*t Fit Today?

President Chap-Ass is showing his chapped ass to the internet again, and it's clear he's REALLY freaked out. He's been a sad sack of crap ever since he helped the GOP drown in a blue wave by tying his "239-pound" body to their ankles and letting them sink. But today, similar to how appendicitis starts out as an all-over tummyache and then centers around one terrible spot, Trump is really zeroing in on the true thing that is scaring the shit out of him, and it is Robert Mueller.

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Avenatti Arrested For Domestic Violence ... And Pissant Jacob Wohl Is Taking Credit???

Don't hit people. Don't hit girls. Don't hit boys. Don't hit your kids. Just don't.

If Michael Avenatti hit someone, he will be canceled for all time. He was already canceled anyway, for the stupid shit he said about needing a white dude to run against Trump and slagging Beto O'Rourke. That said, we just witnessed Jacob Wohl eat his own wiener in a live press conference after paying a woman to accuse Robert Mueller of sexual assault. Someone with more than eight functioning brain cells might actually have been able to pull that scam off. So when there are red flags that suggest domestic violence charges against Avenatti might be less than legit -- and there are -- we need to withhold judgment until we get more details.

Here's what we do know. Michael Avenatti was arrested and charged with domestic violence. There is a woman with visible injuries who swears that she got them from him. And her charges were credible enough that he was charged yesterday, released on $50,000 bail, and ordered to stay away from her.

The story was first reported by gossip website TMZ, which seemed to have a reporter stationed outside Avenatti's apartment building at just the right moment. Here's their original version of the story.

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Trump Mad You Need ID To Buy Cheerios, But All You Need For Voter Fraud Is A Sexy French Maid Costume

At the end of July, Donald Trump did a rally for a group of collected Florida Men, and he said with a straight face that you need an ID to go to the grocery store:

"You know, if you go out and you want to buy groceries, you need a picture on a card, you need ID," Trump continued. "You go out and you want to buy anything, you need ID and you need your picture."

At the time, defenders of Trump said things like "DURR DURR DURR MAYBE HE MEANT WHEN YOU BUY BEER OR CIGARETTES OR ROMANTIC SEXXX CONDOMS SO YOU DON'T GET YOUR COUSIN PREGGERS AGAIN." (They did not say the thing about romantic supplies. We are just being mean.)

Normal people were like HOW THE FUCK DOES THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES THINK YOU NEED AN ID TO BUY GROCERIES? HOW IS THIS OUR REALITY? STOP IT!

Well, he said it again, and no, he was not talking about beer or wine or contraceptives for #MAGa Cousin Speed Dating Night down at the Shoney's.

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popular

CNN's Jim Acosta Case: You Know WHO ELSE Picked His Own Press Pool?

How can you say Trump causes a chilling effect AND global warming? Take that, libs!

The judge in CNN's lawsuit to get Jim Acosta's press pass un-revoked is set to announce his decision on whether to grant an injunction restoring Acosta's press credentials. CNN's attorneys argued that by revoking Acosta's "hard pass" to the White House last week, the administration had violated his free speech rights because it just plain didn't like how the network covers the "president." The Justice Department claimed presidents have the authority to choose which reporters cover them inside the executive mansion, and besides, even if Acosta is barred from the White House, he can still do his so-called "reporting" by, say, watching presidential speeches on CSPAN in a van, down by the river.

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popular

Infowars Hit By Credit-Card-Stealing Malware, Are Gay Frogs To Blame?

Hope you haven't bought any 'Brain Force' this week!

While it may seem that Alex Jones's primary vocation is convincing gullible morons that juice boxes are turning their kids gay, his real money is made in convincing said gullible morons to buy a ton of snake-oil supplements with pretty much nothing in them -- except, on occasion, some lead. It is quite the racket.

This week, Dutch security researcher Willem de Groot, who monitors a variety of sites to check for infections, discovered that Jones's flagship site Infowars had been infected with a strain of malware called Magecart, which is capable of secretly recording credit card information. In an interview with ZDNet, de Groot explained that the malware was active for 24 hours prior to discovery. Alex Jones told the site that this "only" affected around 1600 customers. I will give you a moment to process the depressing fact that 1600 people were stupid enough to buy Alex Jones' crappy snake oil supplements.

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Russia

Why Is Trump Having A Bumbling Lunatic Roid-Rage Sh*t Fit Today?

Mueller. It's always Mueller.

President Chap-Ass is showing his chapped ass to the internet again, and it's clear he's REALLY freaked out. He's been a sad sack of crap ever since he helped the GOP drown in a blue wave by tying his "239-pound" body to their ankles and letting them sink. But today, similar to how appendicitis starts out as an all-over tummyache and then centers around one terrible spot, Trump is really zeroing in on the true thing that is scaring the shit out of him, and it is Robert Mueller.

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News

Avenatti Arrested For Domestic Violence ... And Pissant Jacob Wohl Is Taking Credit???

What the hell is going on here?

Don't hit people. Don't hit girls. Don't hit boys. Don't hit your kids. Just don't.

If Michael Avenatti hit someone, he will be canceled for all time. He was already canceled anyway, for the stupid shit he said about needing a white dude to run against Trump and slagging Beto O'Rourke. That said, we just witnessed Jacob Wohl eat his own wiener in a live press conference after paying a woman to accuse Robert Mueller of sexual assault. Someone with more than eight functioning brain cells might actually have been able to pull that scam off. So when there are red flags that suggest domestic violence charges against Avenatti might be less than legit -- and there are -- we need to withhold judgment until we get more details.

Here's what we do know. Michael Avenatti was arrested and charged with domestic violence. There is a woman with visible injuries who swears that she got them from him. And her charges were credible enough that he was charged yesterday, released on $50,000 bail, and ordered to stay away from her.

The story was first reported by gossip website TMZ, which seemed to have a reporter stationed outside Avenatti's apartment building at just the right moment. Here's their original version of the story.

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Elections

Nancy Pelosi Gonna Brain #FiveWhiteGuys With Gavel OF DEATH

Go sit in the back of the class, dudes.

The anticipated electoral "blue wave" now feels more like a riptide: You don't see it coming and then it murders you. Every day since the election, we wake up to more flipped seats. California, especially, is a blood bath. Dave Wasserman pointed out that Orange County will have no Republican representatives in the House. Let that sink in. As of today, Democrats have taken 34 seats from Republicans, along with their milk money. That number should go as high as 38, maybe 40. It's no wonder architect of our success Nancy Pelosi has coasted to presumptive Speaker of the House with a pro forma closed-door vote. No, wait, that's Chuck Schumer.

It has been the measured opinion of this publication that Schumer is a big, steaming flop. He is the perfect choice for Senate Minority Leader if you are interested in permanently remaining in the minority. If that's your goal, Chuck's your man. But if you want to kick Republican ass ... twice, Pelosi is a no brainer. Unfortunately, mediocre men can rarely hang with powerful women.

Now five spineless white guys, basically blobs of generic brand mayonnaise, are feverishly attempting to block Pelosi as the next Speaker. None of them, including yoga instructor Tim Ryan, have the guts to step forward themselves, but now they're positing Marcia Fudge, because who hates women, NOT THEM; all they know is they don't want Pelosi. Why? Because of her track record of success? She's a "goddamn legislative virtuoso." Next? She's a liberal from San Francisco? Schumer is from New York. He's probably never even seen a pickup truck with a gun rack on the back!

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Post-Racial America

Please Call Augusta State Prison And Ask Them To Not Amputate This Man's Foot! (UPDATED!!)

Kamau Sadiki needs wound care, not an amputation. My god.

Hello Wonkers! How would you like to feel like you're doing something good today without even having to leave the comfort of your scratched-up pleather La-Z-Boy? Well, the Anarchist Black Cross wants YOU to call Augusta State Prison and ask them to please not amputate the foot of prisoner Kamau Sadiki, whose daughter says he only needs a wound specialist. And so am I, because that is freaking horrifying.

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News

Trump Mad You Need ID To Buy Cheerios, But All You Need For Voter Fraud Is A Sexy French Maid Costume

IT'S. NOT. FAIR.

At the end of July, Donald Trump did a rally for a group of collected Florida Men, and he said with a straight face that you need an ID to go to the grocery store:

"You know, if you go out and you want to buy groceries, you need a picture on a card, you need ID," Trump continued. "You go out and you want to buy anything, you need ID and you need your picture."

At the time, defenders of Trump said things like "DURR DURR DURR MAYBE HE MEANT WHEN YOU BUY BEER OR CIGARETTES OR ROMANTIC SEXXX CONDOMS SO YOU DON'T GET YOUR COUSIN PREGGERS AGAIN." (They did not say the thing about romantic supplies. We are just being mean.)

Normal people were like HOW THE FUCK DOES THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES THINK YOU NEED AN ID TO BUY GROCERIES? HOW IS THIS OUR REALITY? STOP IT!

Well, he said it again, and no, he was not talking about beer or wine or contraceptives for #MAGa Cousin Speed Dating Night down at the Shoney's.

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Military

Defense Sec Mattis Very Proud Of Troops Serving In 'Operation Midterm Election'

Like Valley Forge with better food, less frostbite, no goddamn point.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis and Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen took a little trip to the US-Mexico border Wednesday to let Our Troops know that even though the caravan has been forgotten, they haven't been. The personnel serving in what had been "Operation Faithful Patriot" need to know Mattis, Nielsen, and the American people completely support them in their mission to get out the rightwing vote last week.

Also, even if the fancy mission name was dropped post-election, the "president" definitely thinks the world of our great military men and women, but decided to opt out of actually dropping by to see them, because they'll be on Fox News later and he can see them just fine then.

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Elections

GOP Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith Doesn't Love Lynching! YOU Love Lynching!

She loves all the little black babies.

Monday, we collectively scratched our heads over the racist, scatter-brained antics of Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith of Mississippi, who joked for no sane reason about attending "public hangings" -- what we know as, you know, "lynching." Her opponent in the upcoming Senate runoff, Democrat Mike Espy, is black and this seemed especially insensitive in a state where Emmett Till committed "Mississippi suicide." Hyde-Smith didn't apologize but she also didn't double down on the crude remark. That's almost worthy of the Jeff Flake Award for Moral Courage.

However, Hyde-Smith later appeared at a press conference with Governor Phil Bryant, who appointed her to the Senate in April, presumably after she was the 12th caller in a radio promotion. The National Right to Life organization had just endorsed Hyde-Smith (it apparently has a lax policy on hangings). Reporters asked some followup questions about her appalling comments, and she performed as well as Scott Bakula might've if he'd just "Quantum Leaped" into her body and was trying to get his bearings. Oh boy!

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Russia

Master Of Disguise! Wonkagenda For Thurs., Nov. 15, 2018

Trump is a lunatic, Nancy Pelosi prepares for battle, and Facebook really shits the bed. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Politics

Mitch McConnell Is A Shifty-Eyed Goobledonker (Also His Op-Ed Sucks)

He really is a clueless dork too.

If the world was a reasonable place, it would be entirely illegal to be as self -serving and full of shit as Mitch McConnell. In a desperate and pitiful play to shame Democrats into folding over like a bunch of beach chairs and coalescing around the Trump Train, that shifty-eyed turtle-faced goobledonker (I made that up and it fits, use it) decided to write himself an op-ed. Wait until you get a load of the title of his masterful self-own, you ready? Ok, here it is: "Will Dems work with us, or simply put partisan politics ahead of the country?"

Are you dead yet? Many of us Democrats saw that headline and keeled over from the hell-ified audacity of Mr. Dorkface Obstruction Man trying to project his shit onto us. We can't be the only ones who remember a certain senator (surprise, it was Mitch McConnell!) saying his main goal was to make Obama a one-term president while he did everything he could to obstruct the Democrats. Oh yeah, and also MERRICK FUCKING GARLAND.

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Right Wing Extremism

Neo-Nazi's Family Saves Lives By Telling Cops About His Stash Of Illegal Weapons

Jeffrey Clark called the Pittsburgh shooting a "dry run."

You know how whenever one of these horrible mass shootings happens, and we find out about the shooter, you think to yourself, "Where the hell was the family here? No one who knew this person thought to call the police or put them in an institution or take their guns away?" Well, finally, one family did call the police on their gun-hoarding, neo-Nazi, mass-murderer-idolizing relative -- and they may have prevented another mass shooting by doing so.

On Tuesday afternoon, Washington D.C. police arrested 30-year-old neo-Nazi Jeffrey R. Clark Jr. on federal charges of illegally possessing a firearm while using or addicted to an illegal substance (spoiler: the illegal substance was meth), and on local charges of possessing a high-speed magazine. The police were called in by members of Clark's family who were starting to get freaked out by his many anti-Semitic outbursts about how the 11 people who died in the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting "deserved it," and his description of the massacre as a "dry run for things to come," combined with the fact that he owned a whole lotta weapons.

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Post-Racial America

Jim Jordan To GOP: What If We Were Big Stupid Liars Like Trump? You Know, HYPOTHETICALLY

Yes, it's because they're not Trumpy enough.

Ohio congressman Jim Jordan would very much like to become speaker of the House (not gonna happen), or even leader of the loser Republicans (not gonna happen), and he knows exactly how to make congressional Republicans popular with the American people again: Just be even bigger dicks and then everyone will elect them, once they're finally as bugfuck insane "intense" as President Grumpypouts. The former head of the House Freedom Caucus made his case on "Fox & Friends": Be like Trump, but turn it up to 15, because eleven is for pussies.

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popular

Pretty Sure Ross Douthat's Neckbeard Is The Real Cure For Masturbation

Douthat knows his brand. We'll give him that.

IN A WORLD where people have orgasms and experience sexual pleasure in varying ways based on what they, personally, are into, there is one man, one New York Times columnist, who has always bravely stood up to say "no, you're doing it wrong."

And that man is Ross Douthat.

In his latest column, wherein he continues to publish his bad opinions for reasons not understood by anyone, Douthat explores a new theory he pulled out of his ass about how conservatives losing the porn wars has led to people not having sex and only masturbating to online pornography, and that even though he likes it when people don't have sex, this means online pornography is basically the drug "soma" from Brave New World. Or something.

Even he seems to realize that this may be a little too "on-brand" for him.

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Post-Racial America

Black Female Georgia State Senator Arrested, Strip-Searched For Doing Job

Black women working hard is scary as hell.

Apparently, a black woman can find herself arrested at a moment's notice, even though the only crime she commits is being damn good at her job. Georgia State Senator Nikema Williams is that particular type of black woman: good at her job, dedicated, and willing to put her freedom on the line to get the job done. So why was Williams dragged from the Georgia state Capitol building, arrested, zip-tied, and tossed into a police van for hours like some common Paul Manafort -- oh, and UPDATE, she says she was STRIP-SEARCHED TOO? (See end of post.) Let's find out.

Georgia state Sen. Nikema Williams was arrested Tuesday at a rally at the state's Capitol building, where she joined activists to demand the counting of every ballot cast in the state's razor-close governor's race between former Secretary of State Brian Kemp and former state Rep. Stacey Abrams.
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Elections

Little Marco Rubio Kicking Big 3-Pointers At His Own Face Over Florida Election

Something something 'own goal.'

Florida Senator Marco Rubio has been busy the past week auditioning for America's Next Top Trump. We know he doesn't really enjoy being a senator, with all the required showing up occasionally. And he'll never be president because the Republican Party is mostly racist and its shrinking, non-racist electorate isn't keen on "lightweight chokers" who can't get through a debate without mindlessly repeating the same anti-Obama talking points. His career options severely limited, lately he's taken to hate tweeting in his underpants like Donald Trump before John Kelly reminds him he's in the Oval Office and should put on actual pants.

Rubio started to mentally unravel after last week's midterms. Governor Rick Scott, whom Rubio only tepidly endorsed in his Senate race against incumbent Bill Nelson, was all set to flip the seat when corrupt Democrats and their Soros-funded army of lawyers insisted all votes be counted. Rubio has been really resistant to this idea for random-Bible-verse-related reasons.

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