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Trump Done Being Serious About Coronavirus, Decides To Just Be Big Stupid Lie-Racist Again

Give Donald Trump a trophy, because he was serious about coronavirus for about nine seconds earlier this week, which as far as we can tell is a personal record. Don't worry, he's back to his old fundamentally unserious and criminally stupid racist self.

Trump did one of his coronavirus lie-pressers yesterday, where he demands his servants perform corona-lingus on him on live TV. We didn't watch it live, because nobody watches them anymore. The networks are increasingly not carrying them, at least not in full, because they are full of lies and public health risks. It's especially pointless after Trump said the quiet part loud a few days back and bragged about the ratings for the pressers. Fuck that.

Aaron Rupar over at Vox is still live-tweeting them, though, so we can see the important information we missed. Like for instance, that Trump is not only number one at global pandemic counts, he is also number one at Facebook, at least according to him:

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Jared Kushner's Magical MBA Knows New York Whiners Don't Need Thousands Of Vents

If you've got a problem, Jared Kushner can make it worse. And America has a big problem.

Vanity Fair's gossip pipeline continues to flow during the pandemic, and it traces the president's shit tweeting this morning about states who dare to "complain" about lack of medical supplies — "Some have insatiable appetites & are never satisfied (politics?)." — back to Jared and one of his infamous book reports.

"This was a total mess," Kushner told people, according to VF. "I know how to make this government run now." So Jared, who faults HHS Secretary Alex Azar for leaving Trump politically exposed with his handling of the whole ICKY DEAD PEOPLE VIRUS thing, swung into action. Never mind that Azar tried to get Trump's attention about coronavirus in throughout January and February, only to get reprimanded for letting the CDC's Dr. Nancy Messonier spook the markets with all her gloom and doom about dead Americans. Clearly this shit is all on Alex!

That's how we got Jared's shadow coronavirus task force, which looks to such trusted sources as his brother Josh's father-in-law's Facebook friends for disease prevention strategies. That's why we're all gonna die.

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GAME CHANGER: Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp Just Found Out Coronavirus, Like, Real Contagious, Y'all

Well by God, sounds like a couple of southern GOP governors found Christ yesterday. Mississippi Governor Tater Tater Tater Tater Tater, after struggling mightily with the issue, waited until the very last minute possible and handed down a statewide stay-at-home order. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis did the same, finally, because Donald Trump gave him the order, finally, as he runs the state where the coronavirus pandemic is in the process of exploding (the current confirmed cases are 7,773). Don't worry, DeSantis made an exemption allowing Floridians to get coronavirus at church, as is their religious freedom. Texas Governor Greg Abbott made the same exemption.

(And some Democratic governors have done so too, though each state's framework is different. Some of those Democratic governors went early, though, and might want to think about amending their orders. The cool thing about God is that you don't have to go to church to see Him, as He is always riding on your back, according to the famous "Footprints" poem, isn't that the coolest thing ABOUT GOD?)

Georgia GOP Governor Brian Kemp has found Jesus as well, in a state where the number of confirmed cases is set to cross 5,000, over 150 have already died, and outbreaks are happening all over, especially in rural areas. As the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports, those numbers are way behind the real numbers, and they're not just talking about how America's testing regime is a fucking joke and nobody knows how many millions of people have been exposed at this point.

What changed Kemp's mind? Oh, well, what happened was, it was the darnedest thing, but there was a GAME CHANGER! If you live in Georgia, you are going to be so glad Kemp almost certainly stole that election from Stacey Abrams when he was the secretary of state overseeing his own gubernatorial election, because would Stacey Abrams even have known what to do with this GAME CHANGER?

Kemp explained during a press conference on Wednesday announcing his stay-at-home order:

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Wonkette Announces Reader Aid Slush Fund NOT Overseen By Donald Trump

Friends, Wonkers, Terrible Ones, slush up our fund!

I am getting more and more worried about our friends (NOT US, WE'RE FINE, WE'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE'RE NOT) who are alone and just got (more) broke, and don't have any idea what to do about their rents and bills.

Because we are liberals and we solve problems by throwing money at them (AND WASHING OUR HANDS and STAY THE FUCK HOME), and we all want to help but didn't quite know how, we've decided to gofundme up a Wonkette Nation Slush Fund for YOU to donate to and US to distribute (possibly to you).

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fox news

Nancy Pelosi Creating Committee To Watchdog Trump's Coronavirus F*ckups, And Fox News Is MAD

UNFAIR, House select committees are for investigating Hillary Clinton!

Often when there is a 9/11-grade event, afterward comes a commission or a select committee, to investigate what went wrong, and what could be done in the future to prevent or mitigate such a disaster. (Sometimes they do select committees to find out if Hillary Clinton was alone the whole night she did Benghazi with her emails, or if she was in the tub with Huma at the time. But that's when Republicans are in charge.)

Donald Trump has fucked up America's response to coronavirus to the point that we now have twice as many confirmed cases as either Spain or Italy, almost three times as many as China ever had, and probably millions more undetected. Therefore, Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced today that she is creating the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis, led by House Majority Whip James Clyburn. For now, it will oversee the ongoing federal response to coronavirus, and then afterward, once shit settles down and the world is not quite as completelyfuckingonfire, it will investigate where everything went wrong. (SPOILER: It started going wrong when James Comey sent his letter 11 days before the 2016 election, and when Russia helped the Trump campaign steal that election by a handful of votes in three Rust Belt states.)

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coronavirus

Bush-Appointed-Judge Tells ICE: LET MY PEOPLE GO

Like seriously. NOW.

As the COVID-19 pandemic decimates the world, one population is particularly at risk: people who are incarcerated. They are at the mercy of the state, and almost always held in conditions where the coronavirus is likely to spread: close quarters with no possibility of social distancing, no or few toiletries available, and forced to wash, live, and eat within feet or even inches of each other

There is no denying that coronavirus is already ravaging our jails, prisons, and detention centers. At least four ICE detainees in New Jersey and one in Arizona have already tested positive for COVID-19 — and that's without widespread testing of people in DHS custody.

On Tuesday, a federal judge in the Middle District of Pennsylvania ordered the 11 petitioners in Thakker v. Doll to be released.

The good

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coronavirus

Donald Trump's Got A Fever, And The Only Prescription Is MORE GOLF

Secret Service renting golf carts, because Dear Leader needs his 'me time.'

Donald Trump was elected by Americans who couldn't stand Barack Obama and his terrible abuses of office, like telling innocent children to work hard in school, killing grandma by giving people health insurance, and worst of all, golfing all the damn time, even during a health crisis. Because there is a tweet for everything, here's Trump complaining about Obama golfing while Ebola was not ravaging America at all:

There was no "outbreak" of Ebola in New York City, it was one doctor, Craig Spencer, who was diagnosed with the disease after returning from treating patients in Guinea. Spencer recovered, and recently made it back into the news after detailing on Twitter how stressful the coronavirus outbreak — which really is an outbreak — has been for doctors in New York.

And to bring things full circle, the Secret Service seems to be gearing up for a busy summer of Donald Trump golfing, as the Washington Post's David Fahrenthold reports. The Secret Service signed a contract this week to rent a whole bunch of golf carts in Sterling, Virginia, which happens to be where Trump's "Trump National Golf Club Washington DC" is located. The contract, for $45,000, will cover a fleet of golf carts through September, which the agency said were needed to protect a "dignitary," but that probably means Trump anyway.

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Education

How's Your Kid's Online Schooling Going? Well, You're Reading This So You Have Internet

Harris, Warren, Sanders, Biden agree: INTERNET FOR THE PEOPLE.

When schools were closed because of the coronavirus outbreak, the big question was how is our students learning? Most schools moved to online “distance learning," which is most effective if you're actually online. Roughly 39 percent of rural Americans can't access internet at speeds faster than a caged hamster running on a wheel, and lower-income Americans regardless of location are less likely to have internet access because the shit's expensive. The average cost of broadband internet is $60 a month. Teachers across the country are setting up Zoom meetings, and many students live in homes where the sole internet access is a pre-paid cell phone whose data limit is a single YouTube video.

The $2 trillion stimulus package doesn't address this. Democrats proposed $2 billion to help expand online access, but Senate Republicans weren't about to pay for anyone's free porn. Educators are trying to fill the gap. They're delivering quarantined take-home work and setting up mobile wi-fi hot spots. Corporations are even being less Grinchy: Google has offered free wi-fi to 100,000 families in rural California through the end of the school year, as well as 4,000 Chromebook laptops for students.

Like almost everything else connected to this pandemic, America is behind the curve. Distance learning was a reasonable contingency plan for when students can't safely access their school buildings, but the plan must meet the needs of all students and not just depend upon the kindness of corporations.

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Trump

Trump Done Being Serious About Coronavirus, Decides To Just Be Big Stupid Lie-Racist Again

Someobdy must have hit his reset button.

Give Donald Trump a trophy, because he was serious about coronavirus for about nine seconds earlier this week, which as far as we can tell is a personal record. Don't worry, he's back to his old fundamentally unserious and criminally stupid racist self.

Trump did one of his coronavirus lie-pressers yesterday, where he demands his servants perform corona-lingus on him on live TV. We didn't watch it live, because nobody watches them anymore. The networks are increasingly not carrying them, at least not in full, because they are full of lies and public health risks. It's especially pointless after Trump said the quiet part loud a few days back and bragged about the ratings for the pressers. Fuck that.

Aaron Rupar over at Vox is still live-tweeting them, though, so we can see the important information we missed. Like for instance, that Trump is not only number one at global pandemic counts, he is also number one at Facebook, at least according to him:

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economics

Trump Makes History! Ten Million New Lucky Duckies In Just Two Weeks

We're all going to work for Jeff Bezos now.

The Labor Department announced Thursday that more than 6.6 million people applied for unemployment benefits last week. That brings the two-week total to almost 10 million. It's a stunning, heart-stopping, stomach-churning, unprecedented number. Prior to the coronavirus shutdowns, the worst week for unemployment filings was 695,000 in 1982. The outbreak has erased more jobs than the grimmest months of the Great Recession.

The economic damage is spreading as quickly and viciously as the virus itself. Tourism, hospitality, theaters, and restaurants were the first to get hit, but now other industries, some of which normally weather economic downturns, are feeling the pain. Loss of revenue has caused so-called “white collar" employers to lay off workers at law firms and tech start-ups.

From the New York Times:

"People are being way too sanguine about a lot of the white-collar industries," said Martha Gimbel, an economist and labor market expert at Schmidt Futures, a philanthropic initiative. "This thing is going to come for us all."
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coronavirus

Trump: 10 Million New Jobless Will Get 'Something Much Better Than Obamacare'. Someday. When He Invents It.

Why would he okay a special enrollment period? Only Democrats and some Republican governors and the insurance companies are asking him to!

The Trump administration has looked carefully at the needs of the American people and decided against reopening enrollment for Affordable Care Act insurance plans. Reopening the Healthcare.gov website just isn't a thing that's needed, for some reason, even though new unemployment figures released today show another 6.6 million Americans filed for unemployment last week, doubling the already record numbers from the previous week. Politico reports that it "wasn't immediately clear why the Trump administration decided against the special enrollment period," although we should probably note it may have something to do with Donald Trump's desire to eliminate everything Barack Obama ever did, and why would he change that just because millions of people are losing their jobs and facing a terrible illness?

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coronavirus

Jared Kushner's Magical MBA Knows New York Whiners Don't Need Thousands Of Vents

These douchebags will kill us all.

If you've got a problem, Jared Kushner can make it worse. And America has a big problem.

Vanity Fair's gossip pipeline continues to flow during the pandemic, and it traces the president's shit tweeting this morning about states who dare to "complain" about lack of medical supplies — "Some have insatiable appetites & are never satisfied (politics?)." — back to Jared and one of his infamous book reports.

"This was a total mess," Kushner told people, according to VF. "I know how to make this government run now." So Jared, who faults HHS Secretary Alex Azar for leaving Trump politically exposed with his handling of the whole ICKY DEAD PEOPLE VIRUS thing, swung into action. Never mind that Azar tried to get Trump's attention about coronavirus in throughout January and February, only to get reprimanded for letting the CDC's Dr. Nancy Messonier spook the markets with all her gloom and doom about dead Americans. Clearly this shit is all on Alex!

That's how we got Jared's shadow coronavirus task force, which looks to such trusted sources as his brother Josh's father-in-law's Facebook friends for disease prevention strategies. That's why we're all gonna die.

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coronavirus

GAME CHANGER: Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp Just Found Out Coronavirus, Like, Real Contagious, Y'all

There is slow on the uptake, and then there is Brian Kemp.

Well by God, sounds like a couple of southern GOP governors found Christ yesterday. Mississippi Governor Tater Tater Tater Tater Tater, after struggling mightily with the issue, waited until the very last minute possible and handed down a statewide stay-at-home order. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis did the same, finally, because Donald Trump gave him the order, finally, as he runs the state where the coronavirus pandemic is in the process of exploding (the current confirmed cases are 7,773). Don't worry, DeSantis made an exemption allowing Floridians to get coronavirus at church, as is their religious freedom. Texas Governor Greg Abbott made the same exemption.

(And some Democratic governors have done so too, though each state's framework is different. Some of those Democratic governors went early, though, and might want to think about amending their orders. The cool thing about God is that you don't have to go to church to see Him, as He is always riding on your back, according to the famous "Footprints" poem, isn't that the coolest thing ABOUT GOD?)

Georgia GOP Governor Brian Kemp has found Jesus as well, in a state where the number of confirmed cases is set to cross 5,000, over 150 have already died, and outbreaks are happening all over, especially in rural areas. As the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports, those numbers are way behind the real numbers, and they're not just talking about how America's testing regime is a fucking joke and nobody knows how many millions of people have been exposed at this point.

What changed Kemp's mind? Oh, well, what happened was, it was the darnedest thing, but there was a GAME CHANGER! If you live in Georgia, you are going to be so glad Kemp almost certainly stole that election from Stacey Abrams when he was the secretary of state overseeing his own gubernatorial election, because would Stacey Abrams even have known what to do with this GAME CHANGER?

Kemp explained during a press conference on Wednesday announcing his stay-at-home order:

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Class War

Oh Sh*t, Meghan McCain Is A Bolshevik Now!

Welcome to the revolution, comrade.

You might not have noticed with everything else that's going on, but Meghan McCain has gone full Bolshevik over the the past few weeks. That's what a pandemic will do to you. You're so bored stuck at home, you wind up re-evaluating all your previous "rah-rah capitalism!" beliefs.

Last week on “The View," while asserting her "fiscal conservative" credentials, McCain expressed a degree of sympathy for people who've lost their jobs because of the coronavirus

McCAIN: I think we need to start easing up on rents and loans in this country for the average American family as well. It's not that people can't go out and work, it's that they are unable to.

This is still a very conservative principle. It's rooted in the idea that there are the “worthy poor" and “unworthy poor." The government should deign to assist the “worth poor" if we believe they didn't bring their poverty upon themselves through sheer shiftlessness. It's easy for conservatives like McCain to see the millions of laid off workers as having “done nothing wrong." Their financial difficulties aren't reflective of a perceived moral failing.

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Vote suppression

Wisconsin GOP Protects Election By Forcing In-Person Voting During Pandemic

THIS is why Nancy Pelosi wanted vote-by-mail in the coronavirus recovery bill.

"The things they had in there were crazy. They had things, levels of voting that if you'd ever agreed to it, you'd never have a Republican elected in this country again," Donald Trump complained to Sean Hannity about Democrats' proposals to ensure voter access in the coronavirus stimulus bill. Just saying the quiet part out loud about Republican vote suppression, as is his habit. HURR DURR, blarped the MAGAts in unison, LOOKIT CRAZY NANCY LARDIN' THE BILL UP WITH DEMOCRAT PORK.

Well ... meet Wisconsin, AKA Exhibit A in the "WUT DOES VOTIN' HAVE TO DO WITH THE 'RONA?" derpsplainer. Thanks to the indefatigable Ben Wikler, chair of the Democratic Party of Wisconsin, who tweeted out all the good links.

It started back in 2018, when Democrat Tony Evers beat then-GOP Governor Scott Walker in the November election, and the gerrymandered Wisconsin legislature raced to enact a bunch of laws during the lame duck session to curtail Evers's powers. Because, like Trump, the Wisconsin GOP knows that when people vote, they lose.

Wisconsin's primary is scheduled for next Tuesday, April 7, and while the presidential primaries are more or less a foregone conclusion, they're not the most important issue on the Wisconsin ballot. Control of the state's highest court is at stake, with Dane County Judge Jill Karofsky, a progressive champion of domestic violence victims, vying to unseat Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice Daniel Kelly, a Republican hatchet man.

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coronavirus

Donald Trump Would Never Tell Businesses What To Do, Except All The Time

The Defense Production Act is only for shooty stuff, not ventilators, silly.

Until last week, when he suddenly had a fit at General Motors, Donald Trump had said again and again that while he could use that Defense Production Act to order American companies to prioritize making medical supplies that are needed to fight the coronavirus, it would be a cold day in Caracas before he did socialism to America!

But you know, we're a country not based on nationalizing our business. Call a person over in Venezuela, ask them how did nationalization of their businesses work out? Not too well.

Now sure, there's the teensy detail that the Defense Production Act doesn't actually nationalize anything, as the smartypants fact-checkers all pointed out. But it does allow the US government to order companies to fulfill its contracts before others, and to loan money and do other fun financial stuff to get stuff done. It can even direct companies to sell their stuff to the government ahead of other customers. But the companies are still private, and they still get paid.

And as the New York Times explains in some detail, the law has been used once or twice during the Trump administration already. Once or twice? More like it's been used to "place hundreds of thousands of orders" during the Trump years, just as it has been during every other presidency. It's so routine that the military regularly invokes it in contracts:

The Defense Department estimates that it has used the law's powers 300,000 times a year. The Department of Homeland Security — including its subsidiary, FEMA — placed more than 1,000 so-called rated orders in 2018, often for hurricane and other disaster response and recovery efforts, according to a report submitted to Congress in 2019 by a committee of federal agencies formed to plan for the effective use of the law.

Oh. Well then, guess we're already Venezuela, so let's use the law to save some lives, please? And get some empanadas too, while we're at it.

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News

One Thing All Liars Have In Common, Brace Yourself! Tabs, Thurs., April 2, 2020

It's TABS!

Kushner knows more about the ventilators than anybody ever knew about ventilators. Plus every other gossip coming out of the West Wing right now. Don't worry, each paragraph is more horrifying than the last! (Vanity Fair)

He should maybe tell the Pentagon where to send the ones they offered. (CNN)

Detroit is in trouble. (LA Times)

Cool cool.

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fox news

If Devin Nunes Doesn't Get To Play Outside Soon, He Might Just Sue A LIVE COW

Just kidding, he would never sue a live cow. OR WOULD HE?

Donald Trump is being serious about coronavirus, finally, or at least pretending to be. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis finally put Florida under a statewide stay-at-home order, because Trump finally gave him his marching orders, we guess.

But you know which elected official is not buying into the liberal agenda nonsense, and just wants to go out in the pasture and play, and if you think he's gonna stay six feet away from each and every cow, you got another think coming, ALLEGEDLY?

cow pole dancing GIF Giphy

That's right, Devin Nunes is not havin' it.

A couple weeks ago, Fucking Devin was pretty sure when Dr. Anthony Fauci said "stay at home" that Dr. Anthony Fauci was not his real dad, so he interpreted that order as GO TO BARS. (And then got so mad when people reported on what he said.)

Now, weeks later, with the bodies piling up, in an America with more than 200,000 confirmed coronavirus cases and growing, with outbreaks shooting forth from all corners of the country like the country is a big udder and the milk is coming out of all kinds of nipples like WHOA HEY! — against this backdrop, Fucking Devin is doubling down.

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Class War

Nothing Makes Ben Shapiro Madder Than Capitalism Working For Poor People

Why aren’t striking workers grateful for the opportunity to die while delivering his groceries?

Ben Shapiro, who is Ben Shapiro's idea of a smart person, is very disappointed with Amazon workers who are striking for better pay and working conditions. They aren't patriots! The true patriots during this time of crisis are people like Ben Shapiro, who can remain comfortably at home while Amazon and Instacart magically deliver everything he needs for his survival.

Shapiro sees a moral distinction between striking because of “bad worker pay" and striking because you “want more money." He believes this is an intelligent point that he made.

SHAPIRO: I'm sorry. Everyone else lost their job. Everyone else lost their damn job.

Not you, though, Mr. Shapiro. You're still paid to perform this rightwing dog and pony act for us. Broadway theaters went dark. "The Flash" shut down production, but "The Ben Shapiro Show" keeps on trucking. It's the cockroach in our nuclear winter of entertainment options.

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2020 democratic primary

Mr. Monopoly Mike Bloomberg Breaks Promises To Campaign Staff, Sends Them Directly To Unemployment

They will not pass go or collect $200.

Shortly before the world ended, Mike Bloomberg was running for president. The billionaire's self-funded campaign was a Shangri-La for employees who received record-high salaries and perks beyond belief. A January Politico piece detailed the Robin Leach-style spectacle.

Bloomberg now has more than 1,000 people on his campaign payroll. Those employees got iPhone 11s and MacBooks and were put up in furnished Manhattan apartments if they relocated. Now, they enjoy catered meals throughout the long days they're expected to clock. The campaign's $750,000 travel tab, which includes the use of a private plane owned by Bloomberg's eponymous financial news organization, doesn't include airfare and hotels racked up this month as he zoomed in on California, Texas and Florida.

The campaign spent $10,000 on sushi alone.

Unfortunately, as with so many lifestyles of the rich and famous, Elizabeth Warren came along and ruined everything. Bloomberg's presidential ambitions are all over, and instead of sushi, his former campaign staff will have to settle for egg noodles and ketchup. Bloomberg fired everyone in early March, despite having promised most of them employment (at $6000 a month) through at least November. He graciously allowed them to keep their iPhones and MacBooks.

Wonkette said nice things about Bloomberg's beautiful promises before they were revealed as nothing but lies. We officially retract that and declare him a big suckball.

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