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A Few Gentle Remarks About The Gay Quisling Federalist Idiot Whining About How Persecuted He Is

Meet Chad Felix Greene. He is very upset RN.

OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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GOP Reluctantly Cancels Expert Witness Who Once Supported A Buttsex Tax

Whoops!

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.


In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"

EXTREME SHUDDER.

In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!


Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!

[Politico]

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Idaho Wingnut Knows True Meaning Of Christmas Is Suing Your Neighbors' Asses For Hating Baby Jesus

Time for another seasonal tale of holiday cheer and litigation, brought to us yet again by a devout Christian who feels sore oppressed by the nasty secularists (OK, fine, a bunch of other Christians, but bad ones) and their endless War on Christmas. This time, it's from northern Idaho, in the Coeur d'Alene suburb of Hayden, but for once when we talk about this area, there are no neo-Nazis involved. Oh, sure, there's an armed militia in the story, but that's pretty much a given in Idaho. Those guys show up for christenings, bar mitzvahs, and drivers tests around here. This is also one of those stories where to appreciate the full insane Culture War of the whole mess, you should go read the full article. But we'll try to do it justice.

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President Skunk Tinkles Had Hisself A Temper Tantrum After Chuck 'N' Nancy Left!

Before we get into today's shitshow, we should tell you the end of the story about yesterday's shitshow, which started when Chuck 'n' Nancy went to the White House to stand on Donald Trump's face and call him a loser over his impending "Trump shutdown," which he's totally willing to make happen if he doesn't get his precious goddamn Mexican wall. After that, Nancy Pelosi went back to the Hill and said funny things about how she doesn't know why Trump is so obsessed with that fucking border wall, it's probably a male insecurity weenus issue, and also said arguing with him is like getting a golden shower from a skunk, which is why his name is now President Skunk Tinkles.

But what did the old Skunk Tinkler do after the meeting? Had a fucking temper tantrum, of course.

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Can Somebody Hold Nancy Pelosi's Beer While She Dick-Punches Trump Some More?

Y'all saw that crazy shit that happened at the White House today when Chuck 'n' Nancy went to visit Trump to talk about averting a government shutdown, and Chuck 'n' Nancy ended up playing foosball with Trump's face while he screamed "WALL!" over and over again? It was so great.

During the meeting, Trump interrupted Pelosi a whole lot, and she responded by not giving a fuck and making fun of him to his face about how all she does is win, while Trump was left to whine about how nobody ever talks about how "he" won the Senate for the GOP. (The Senate election schedule, which heavily favored Republicans in the 2018 midterms, won the Senate for the GOP.)

When Pelosi walked out of the White House, she looked like some kinda badass spy walking away at the perfect moment, right before the building explodes. (We are not saying Nancy Pelosi blowed up the White House! OK fine, she did it WITH VOTES.)

But Pelosi's day of dick-punching Trump right in his orange face was not over!

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Tech

Steve King So Mad Google Told His Granddaughter He's A Nazi. He Wanted To Tell Her Himself! (Allegedly!)

Why would a seven-year-old think Rep. Steve King is a white supremacist? Perish the thought!

The House Judiciary Committee grilled Google CEO Sundar Pichai yesterday, and it went about as poorly as most congressional hearings with big tech go. Republicans embarrassed themselves, Democrats tried to act like adults, and the tech CEO uncomfortably dodged questions. There was even a side-show with the Monopoly Guy, and a special guest appearance by Alex Jones and Roger Stone! Is it any wonder that, after a year of sham hearings with Silicon Valley heavyweights, there hasn't been a single piece of legislation aimed at the hoodie-clad kombucha crowd trying to make the world a better place?

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lawsplainer

Michael Cohen Released From Brain Jail, Gets To Go To Regular Jail Now

SAYS WHO?

It's a good news, bad news kind of day. On the one hand, Michael Cohen will spend three years in federal prison for doing allllll the crimes, after which the New York attorney general will doubtless want to have a word with him. On the other hand, he's finally great God Almighty free at last from that "personal and mental incarceration ever since the day that I accepted the offer to work for a real estate mogul whose business acumen that I deeply admired." (He said that. Today. In court.) So all in all it's a win for Cooley Law School's most famous alum!

Judge William Pauley got the ball rolling at Cohen's sentencing hearing in New York by laying out the charges and the 51- to 63-month sentencing guidelines. Then Cohen's lawyer Guy Petrillo stood up to 'splain how his client is a Boy Scout who gives to charity, helps little old ladies across the street, and always leaves the seat down. Sure, he did lie to Congress. And yes, there were one or 1,200 little tax and bank loan boo-boos. But eventually he turned his life around and helped the special counsel with the biggest investigation since Watergate! Plus, unlike Paul Manafort, Cohen did almost NO COLLUSION with Donald Trump during the investigation. So maybe we just call it even, Your Honor?

(Spoiler alert: We cannot.)

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Elections

Your North Carolina Election Ratf*cking Update, Part Gazillion

Good news! One extremely bad idea appears dead for the moment.

It's a day ending in existential dread, so we have more updates for you on the squalid carnival of election fuckery in North Carolina. As you'll recall, it looks fairly certain a Republican operative illegally messed with the absentee votes in at least one county (probably two), putting in doubt the 905-vote "win" by Mark Harris in the state's ninth congressional district. The state board of elections refused to certify the results, and last week, Democratic candidate Dan McCready withdrew his concession in the race, calling on Harris to tell what he knew about the absentee ballot scheme and when he knew it. The operative accused of illegal ballot tampering, Leslie McCrae Dowless, worked for a campaign consulting firm hired by the Harris campaign, and has a long history of shady absentee-ballot operations. It's kind of his speciality.

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News

Politico Should Run On A Unity Ticket With SHUT THE F*CK UP, POLITICO

Should Joe Biden and Mitt Romney run together on an independent 'unity ticket'? Yes or go fuck yourself?

Politico published a bad thing, everyone. (Oh, get up off the fainting couch, we don't have time for that charade today.) Politico does some good reporting, of course, but then it goes and acts like a common Politico and posts bad things written by people we assume are good people, but who have very bad ideas.

AW FUCK NO, do we really have to do this?

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Culture Wars

Idaho Wingnut Knows True Meaning Of Christmas Is Suing Your Neighbors' Asses For Hating Baby Jesus

Demands immediate revision to end of A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Time for another seasonal tale of holiday cheer and litigation, brought to us yet again by a devout Christian who feels sore oppressed by the nasty secularists (OK, fine, a bunch of other Christians, but bad ones) and their endless War on Christmas. This time, it's from northern Idaho, in the Coeur d'Alene suburb of Hayden, but for once when we talk about this area, there are no neo-Nazis involved. Oh, sure, there's an armed militia in the story, but that's pretty much a given in Idaho. Those guys show up for christenings, bar mitzvahs, and drivers tests around here. This is also one of those stories where to appreciate the full insane Culture War of the whole mess, you should go read the full article. But we'll try to do it justice.

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Right Wing Extremism

Doesn't The Federalist Get Tired Of Being Gross And Wrong So Much?

Sloan Rachmuth claims a neo-Nazi is a Democrat because his parents are Democrats. Makes sense!

One of the favorite games the Right plays is the one where it desperately tries to "prove" Democrats are the REAL racists. Often it's because Democrats in the South, prior to the Civil Rights Act and the realigning of parties, were indeed racist, and sometimes it's because "it's called national SOCIALISM, OW MY BALLS!" Both of these trains of wrongness figure heavily in the works of convicted felon Dinesh D'Souza and other greater shining lights.

Of course, these theses can be easily disproven -- and are, on a daily basis, by historians on Twitter. Many people who were alive in the '60s and '70s to witness the party realignment and the Southern Strategy are still alive today and can easily just tell you what happened then. Also, Nazi Germany was extremely capitalist. They privatized everything, banned trade unions and their highest personal tax rate was 13.7% as compared to Great Britain's 23.7%. I don't know how you get more rightwing, economically, than that. I think it's fair to say that their social policies were also not liberal.

Right-wingers want their alternate reality version of history to be true because they don't think of discrimination, prejudice, and systemic oppression as problems to be worked on and solved, but as political footballs to be lobbed at one's opponents. They don't think any of it actually matters, they just want to win, and to be able to simultaneously exploit conservative racism to get votes.

Which brings us to the latest spittle from The Federalist.

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Russia

Michael Flynn Would Like A Cookie And A Pat On The Head, Your Honor

Maybe a happy ending, too, if it's not too much trouble?

Michael Flynn's lawyers have ONE JOB. They need to persuade Judge Emmet Sullivan to go along with Mueller's probation recommendation and not LOCK HER UP their lyin' ass client. Your Wonkette also has ONE JOB, and that is to tell you all the ways that Michael Flynn is full of crap. And we have to do it with dick jokes!

Luckily, we have been here this whole time, so we have no trouble spotting the bullshit in Flynn's sentencing memorandum. For instance, we remember when Flynn told the Senate Intelligence Committee to get bent, since he wasn't testifying without an immunity deal. So we're less than persuaded when his lawyers argue that, "General Flynn provided timely and substantial assistance to law enforcement," or that "his cooperation was not grudging or delayed."

And we are old enough to remember when Flynn pleaded the Fifth and refused to produce documents to the Senate. So, maybe not so much with this sort of bragging about the giant piles of papers he produced when scary Robert Mueller came a-knockin':

General Flynn has produced thousands of documents to the Department of Justice. Even before his voluntary pre-plea proffer sessions, he had chosen to produce sweeping categories of documents held by his two companies, rather than fight over the breadth of subpoenas, and facilitated the production of electronic devices. After his Plea Agreement, he made another five productions of documents.

Also too, FUCK YOU, this is not "genuine contrition for the uncharacteristic error in judgment that brought him before this Court; and his deep respect for the law":

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News

Totally Non-Evil ICE Arrests 170 Immigrants Trying To Save Babies From Baby Jails

ICE goes fishing for "illegals" with children as bait.

It's the holiday season, and in between debating the merits of Love Actually and "Baby It's Cold Outside," you've probably wondered what's going on with all those migrant children the Trump administration separated from their families. Turns out they've been used as collateral for even greater acts of evil.

The friendly folks at US Immigration and Custom Enforcement (ICE) announced Tuesday that federal authorities have arrested 170 immigrants who came forward to sponsor migrant children in government custody. This is the result of a new, fun rule the Department of Homeland Security put into effect this summer. It allows immigration authorities to examine the criminal background and legal status of anyone who attempts to sponsor the unaccompanied minors — usually parents or close relatives already in the country. They can even check the papers of any other adults living in their home, including Grandma.

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News

President Skunk Tinkles Had Hisself A Temper Tantrum After Chuck 'N' Nancy Left!

Worst. Negotiator. Ever.

Before we get into today's shitshow, we should tell you the end of the story about yesterday's shitshow, which started when Chuck 'n' Nancy went to the White House to stand on Donald Trump's face and call him a loser over his impending "Trump shutdown," which he's totally willing to make happen if he doesn't get his precious goddamn Mexican wall. After that, Nancy Pelosi went back to the Hill and said funny things about how she doesn't know why Trump is so obsessed with that fucking border wall, it's probably a male insecurity weenus issue, and also said arguing with him is like getting a golden shower from a skunk, which is why his name is now President Skunk Tinkles.

But what did the old Skunk Tinkler do after the meeting? Had a fucking temper tantrum, of course.

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Elections

'A Free Vacation For Bureaucrats.' Wonkagenda For Dec. 12, 2018

Trump tries to change all the subjects, and Javanka are the Shadow Chief Of Staff. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Can Somebody Hold Nancy Pelosi's Beer While She Dick-Punches Trump Some More?

This is why she's the once and future speaker. Or at least one of the reasons.

Y'all saw that crazy shit that happened at the White House today when Chuck 'n' Nancy went to visit Trump to talk about averting a government shutdown, and Chuck 'n' Nancy ended up playing foosball with Trump's face while he screamed "WALL!" over and over again? It was so great.

During the meeting, Trump interrupted Pelosi a whole lot, and she responded by not giving a fuck and making fun of him to his face about how all she does is win, while Trump was left to whine about how nobody ever talks about how "he" won the Senate for the GOP. (The Senate election schedule, which heavily favored Republicans in the 2018 midterms, won the Senate for the GOP.)

When Pelosi walked out of the White House, she looked like some kinda badass spy walking away at the perfect moment, right before the building explodes. (We are not saying Nancy Pelosi blowed up the White House! OK fine, she did it WITH VOTES.)

But Pelosi's day of dick-punching Trump right in his orange face was not over!

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Post-Racial America

How Many Years Is The Nazi Who Murdered Heather Heyer Going To Prison For? ALL OF THE YEARS.

GOOD.

This morning, after spending Monday hearing victim impact statements, the jury in James Alex Fields's trial -- which on Friday found him guilty on all 10 counts he was charged with -- delivered their sentencing recommendations.

For the murder of Heather Heyer, the Charlottesville jury gave Fields a life sentence and a fine of $100,000. For each of the three charges of aggravated malicious wounding, they sentenced him to 70 years and fines of $70,000. For each of the five charges of malicious wounding, 20 years in prison and fines of $10,000, and nine years for the hit and run. All in all, this comes out to a life sentence plus 419 years and $480,000. Judge Richard Moore accepted the jury's verdicts, but will hold off on officially sentencing Fields until March 19.

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Elections

Count ALL The Votes? Why Would Florida Do Something Like That?

Next you'll be saying all eligible voters should be allowed to vote.

More tales of voting madness from the Sunshine State, part ninety-jillion: Following last month's What-The-Clusterfuck of attempts to accurately count, then recount, the votes from the midterm elections in Florida, state officials now have at least a pretty good tally of just how many absentee votes didn't get counted because they arrived in the mail after Election Day. Bad news: It was thousands of votes -- 6,670 ballots which were mailed before the election but not counted because they didn't arrive by the November 6 deadline. Sorta-Good News: This year, at least, it doesn't look like the results in any races would have been any different if those rejected ballots had been included in the statewide totals. Weird News: Two counties -- Polk in central Florida and Palm Beach, one of the state's most populous -- still haven't reported their uncounted absentee ballot totals to the state, so who knows how accurate the previous statement will be once they do, particularly since Palm Beach County is heavily Democratic. Forget it, Jake, it's Floridatown.

So here is Florida's stupid, stupid absentee voting law: Unlike in sane states which will count votes postmarked by election day, ballots sent within the USA have to arrive at county offices by 7:00 p.m. local time on election night in order to be counted. Yes, no matter how well in advance of the election they were postmarked or who was responsible for the delay, like maybe a Post Office that was shuttered for a while thanks to that pipe bomb investigation. Absentee ballots from military personnel or civilians living overseas will still get counted if they arrive up to 10 days after election. But even if you mailed your ballot from Yeehaw Junction two weeks ahead of time, it won't be counted if it didn't get delivered in time, sucks to be youhaw.

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News

OMG WTF JUST HAPPENED IN THE WHITE HOUSE

The year's hottest new TV show is Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer laughing at Trump right to his face!

YOU JUST MISSED THE MOST HILARIOUS THING.

Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi went to the White House to meet Donald Trump over the possibility of a looming government shutdown, which Trump has been threatening if he doesn't get his damn WALL! WALL! WALL! WALL! Did you hear the uneducated moron baby say WALL? What if he throws his poop at you and screams and cries WALL? Will that make you understand that WALL?

It did not go well for the president of the United States. They brought cameras in, and instead of everybody just smiling for the picture and then meeting in private, Trump decided to try to debate Chuck 'n' Nancy, two people who have more brains in their pinky fingers than Trump has in his whole face, and who have more balls in their pinky toes than Trump has in his entire pants.

Here's the full video, and then we will walk you through what happened below that:

Trump's contentious meeting with Pelosi and Schumer www.youtube.com

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News

Guy In Charge Of GOP Elections Insists GOP Will Change Nothing, Twice As Hard

This is excellent news for John McCain!

November was tough for Republicans, who lost a stunning and totally inexplicable (at least according to Paul Ryan) 40 House seats in the midterm elections. They've since been busy trying to prevent all those annoying outcomes of losing elections, but they've also taken time to reflect on their setbacks and formulate a rock-solid strategy for 2020. Rep. Tom Emmer from Minnesota discussed the GOP's "don't call it a comeback!" plans in an interview with the National Journal. It basically involves doing absolutely nothing twice as hard.

Emmer is the next chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee, and according to this interview at least, he really shouldn't be. He's running unopposed to replace Steve Stivers, and unless "unopposed" rallies to prevail in the final vote, Republicans are going to have trouble reversing their current difficulties in the House.

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Russia

Russian Spy Chick Mariia Butina Pleading GUILTY, To Loving NRA TOO MUCH!

And if loving the NRA is wrong ... wait. Loving the NRA IS wrong!!

OH, MARY! Russian spy Mariia Butina is about to sing, and we don't mean "Beauty and the Beast." ABC and The Daily Beast have seen copies of Butina's plea deal, which will be finalized in a DC district court tomorrow. They report that Butina has a full cooperation agreement, meaning she'll tell federal prosecutors all about the Russian plan to murder the Magnitsky sanctions by becoming BFFs with the NRA. HOW YOU LIVIN', DANA LOESCH?

According to ABC, Butina will plead to a conspiracy charge of acting as a covert foreign agent who got in bed with the gunhumpers and godbotherers so she could sweet talk the Republicans who come to sell their asses discuss national policy.

But now, according to the agreement, Butina has acknowledged that with U.S. Person 1's assistance, she drafted a proposal called "Description of the Diplomacy Project" in March of 2015 which was later sent to the Russian Official, in which she said that she had already "laid the groundwork for an unofficial channel of communication with the next U.S. administration" and requested $125,000 from a Russian billionaire to attend conferences and meetings to further develop those ties. The Russian Official, the agreement said, confirmed that her proposal would be at least partially supported.

The government has alleged that U.S. Person 1 "worked with Butina to arrange introductions to U.S. persons having influence in American politics," including high-ranking members of the National Rifle Association and organizers of the National Prayer Breakfast, that would ultimately give her a surprising level of access to conservative politicians, including — in one memorable interaction captured on video — to then-candidate Donald Trump.

US Person 1 would be Butina's 56-year-old boyfriend Paul Erickson, who The Daily Beast reports just received a target letter stating that he's under investigation for violating the Foreign Agents Registration Act. And for being the absolute worst spy ever. Tell us, ABC!

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