Trump Begs Clarence Thomas To Restore Transparency To Review Of, Um, Secret Docs He Stole From Government

There's so much going on, it's easy to forget the most recent illegitimate president of the United States stole Top Secret classified government documents and hid them in his tacky Palm Beach McMansion. We still don't know the motive or if he planned to sell the documents to America's enemies or use them for Secret Santa with his dictator friends or if he was planning to try to use them to blackmail the government, in case the government tried to prosecute him for other crimes. (That's Michael Cohen's theory, in case you hadn't heard.)

The saga continues, with the documents and the Special Master Trump begged for, which is ultimately biting him in the dick, and with the moron Trump-appointed Judge Aileen Cannon, who apparently thinks she's one of Trump's personal lawyers.

Trump is now begging Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to intervene and give the Special Master back about 100 documents with classification markings seized at Mar-a-Lago, documents that had been removed from his purview. That way it would be easier for Trump to keep objecting to the search, and to argue it was fine for Trump to have the documents, because attorney-client privilege, or executive privilege, or another privilege Trump just made up, or because he squeezed his sphincter really hard and magically declassified them before he left office.

Up to now, those 100 documents have not been part of the review, because of how they are obviously the government's property and not Trump's; the actual president's (Joe Biden's) executive privilege outweighs Trump's imaginary executive privilege; the Justice Department is part of the executive branch anyway; and oh my God how do we even have to type this?

Originally Aileen Cannon — idiot — said these documents couldn't be used in the criminal investigation while Special Master Raymond Dearie was doing his thingie. The 11th Circuit replied and said Aileen Cannon is an idiot.

Clarence Thomas is the judge over the 11th Circuit, so ...


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Very Moral Pundit Matt Walsh Pretty Sure Teen Girls Just Made For Banging

In one of the best episodes of "The X-Files," Fox Mulder argues that the mysterious "men in black" deliberately "behave strangely so that if anyone tries to describe an encounter with them, they come off sounding like a lunatic." The over-the-top antics were a successful strategy for obfuscating their sinister agenda.

I wonder if the same isn't true of many obvious rightwing trolls. It's easy to dismiss someone like Matt Walsh who rants about mermaid race science. He's so extreme, liberals will insist he's just an attention-grabbing "shock jock," a wannabe Howard Stern. But what if he actually means everything he says? He's not repulsive for ratings or a big payday. He's just genuinely repulsive, and unfortunately, there's an audience for his garbage.


Wingnut Matt Walsh: That Onion Story About The Five-Bladed Razor But It's Gay Dads And Sex Robots

Republicans, Media Just Want To Know What Kind Of Sissy Takes Paternity Leave Anyway

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Ron DeSantis And The Case Of The Sexy White Hurricane Go-Go Boots

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis isn't about to let a devastating hurricane interrupt his re-election campaign. Sunday afternoon, he showed up for a photo-op in Arcadia, which reportedly forced rescue workers to delay rescue operations. Christina Pushaw, the governor's chief propagandist, said this was all "disinformation." One thing everyone can agree on, though, is that DeSantis wore these goofy white boots to a disaster area. Haven't people suffered enough?

What a dork.

It's expected that politicians would wear galoshes when touring storm wreckage, but DeSantis and his wife Casey went full Cajun in what looks like shrimp boots. They were twinsies! The white boots have been compared to Nancy Sinatra or the Green M&M character. They don't seem functional for either hurricane relief work or even a photo op because of how stupid they look.

PREVIOUSLY: Let's Check In On Ron DeSantis's Heroic Hurricane Ian Response

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Secretary Mayor Pete Not Sure What Marjorie Taylor Greene Babbling About, Is It Truck Dicks?

We believe it's 1 Thessalonians 2:6 that says "Nice truck, dude. Sorry about your dick." (KJV)

For some reason we thought about that Bible verse when we saw this interview Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg did with weirdo Neil Cavuto on Fox News. (Buttigieg is the only one allowed to go on Fox News, and this interview is another example of why.)

Cavuto asked Buttigieg about the important news of the day, which apparently in Fox News bonkers upside down land was that GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene said at a Trump Hitler rally this weekend that Buttigieg is trying to "emasculate the way we drive."


Uh, well, that is unclear. Apparently in Greene's Bible, it says that gas-powered vehicles have a great big penis and electric vehicles have a vagina and Greene perhaps thinks it's gay to drive the electric ones? We dunno. Her full quote was so weird, apparently, all about “the roar of a V8 engine under the hood of a Ford Mustang or Chevy Camaro and incredible feel of all that horsepower." Hey, Rep. Greene, can you stop doing grooming behavior to Mustangs and Camaros in front of our kids, please?

None of this makes any sense because nothing Marjorie Taylor Greene says makes any sense.

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National Politics

Ben Sasse Quitting Senate To Go F*ck Off Somewhere Else, Whatever

Is there a scandal? Maybe he is a furry. Is Ben Sasse a furry?

We know what you are thinking:


It is probably not that.

Unless it's that.

It could be that.

This says he is taking a job at "higher education."

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So there you have it. We would die.

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White House

Secret Service Tries To Distract From Lies About Jan 6 With Lies About Kamala Motorcade Accident

Keep digging, fellas!

What the entire fuck is going on over at the Secret Service? Last night the Washington Post revealed that the agent driving Vice President Kamala Harris's SUV on Monday hit a curb in a tunnel near Foggy Bottom and damaged the tire. Harris was transferred to another vehicle and returned to the White House without incident. But not for the first time, the Service appears to have turned a minor embarrassment into a major headache by trying to cover it up.

Because instead of copping to what they'd done, the agents radioed back that the car had had a “a mechanical failure," a preposterous lie in light of the fact that a motorcade of dozens of people had just witnessed the accident. Of freaking course the truth got back to Secret Service Director Kim Cheatle almost immediately, and then to the Post's Carol Leonnig, who literally wrote the book on the Secret Service. There was no universe in which these doofuses were going to be able to cover this up, and yet, that's exactly what they tried to do.

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