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Eastern Washington Wonkers, Are You Spokane For?

We can all hang out at Rachel Dolezal's place. Or better, not!

It is Friday, Yr Wonkette's back end (that's website talk) has been cranky all afternoon like a digital babby that needs a nap, and we are all stuck in the stupidest timeline. The one way we know it's not actually hell is that there are still adorable doggies and kitties and sloths, no to mention toddlers preschoolers named Donna Rose, and of course you, you lovely wonderful readers of ourn. And if you're in Eastern Washington or its environs, you can come out to meet Yr Editrix, Yr Shypixel, and Yr one day Benevolent Monarch Donna Rose come this Sunday in the Evergreen State's second-largest city, Spokane!

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Trump NDAs Unenforceable? Trump Lawyers Shitty? WHAAAAA?!?!?

Losing your mind waiting for the Manfort jury to come back? Join the club! Let's distract ourselves with fun story of Jessica Denson, a former Trump campaign worker who represented herself pro se in a lawsuit to get her Non-Disclosure Agreement invalidated. AND SHE WON!

Why, yes, this is the very same agreement that Omarosa and thousands of other Trump employees signed! (Although the ruling is limited -- but more on that later.)

If Denson ever gets the NDA thrown out in its entirety, she's going to write one hell of a crazy book. Her complaint alone is full of delicious dirt on her rise from a Trump campaign phone banker to Hispanic Engagement Director in the den of vipers that surrounds Trump wherever he goes. According to Denson, along the way she pissed off her supervisor Camilo Sandoval, alienated designated strumpet AJ Delgado, became a favorite of Steve Bannon, and had her claims of persistent workplace harassment ignored by noted champion of women Kellyanne Conway.

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OMAROSA OHMYFUCK! Your Daily Omarosa Roundup, We Guess

Donald Trump just gave one of his awkward trademark press availabilities where he perches his beef body on the White House lawn (awkwardly) and yells the words on his Twitter feed at reporters. Anybody interested in a post about that, or should we just do an Omarosa update? SPOILER, you saw the headline, let's talk about the reality star nemesis who is currently unfairly making our dear Christlike president walk his own personal Via Omarosa on the way to what may end up being certain DOOM. (On our way to hell now, for making that pun. See you there.)

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SEAL Commander Who Killed Bin Laden Invites Trump To Go Suck Some Bone Spurs

Golly gee, it seems like Donald Trump might have just stepped on his own dick again, in revoking the clearance of former CIA director John Brennan, who was integral to planning and executing the mission that killed Osama bin Laden, who, if the president has forgotten, was a radical theocratic fuckwad Islamic terrorist who murdered thousands of Americans on September 11, 2001. (Remember, Donald? You lied about seeing Muslims dancing in the streets that day in New Jersey.)

It's weird how when Donald Trump comes for real American patriots, real American patriots clap back harder, stronger, and with a much louder clappy THWAP! sound than Trump could ever muster (because their hands are normal-sized, as opposed to when Trump claps, which probably sounds like a mouse angrily trying to jerk off).

Admiral McRaven -- or more properly retired Admiral William H. McRaven, who led the Navy SEAL team that fucking murdered Osama bin Laden -- has penned an op-ed in the Washington Post saying that if Trump is revoking security clearances, then please go ahead and take his too, because he'd like to be counted among the patriots who love this country, like Brennan, who speak out against the thin-skinned flabby-ass tinpot dictator wannabe squatting in the Oval Office. He of course said it nicer than that:

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SCOTUS

Brett Kavanaugh Gonna Strict Constructionist All Your Abortions And Gay Weddings Away

But he never says he'd vote exactly like Scalia, whom he loves and admires and wants to have heterosexual strict constructionist babies with.

Rachel Maddow brought us a newly relevant bit of tape from the Before Times last night, of a speech Brett Kavanaugh gave when he was just a plain old federal judge on the DC Court of Appeals. He was remembering his icon, Antonin Scalia, and what a great guy he was for interpreting the Constitution as if it were still 1787, since that is of course the only just and proper way to think about that dead dead document.

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Post-Racial America

It's Not That Funny That You Can't Tell Black People Apart

The issue affects more than just black celebrities

Aretha Franklin's death Thursday had such an impact on us that even FOX News took time out of its jam-packed schedule of promoting white nationalism to acknowledge the Queen of Soul's passing. Unfortunately, the network confused her with the Duchess of R&B Patti LaBelle. Whoops, there it is again. White folks can't tell us apart.

This is not the first such prominent race identification fail. Total Beauty, a Web site whose whole deal is how people look, confused Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg with other black Oscar winner Oprah Winfrey. Both ladies are kinda famous. Total Beauty was so certain it was talking about Oprah that its tweet even stated, "We had no idea Oprah was tatted!" That's usually your first hint you're possibly thinking of the wrong black person. It's like tagging Barack Obama in a tweet that says, "We had no idea Obama wore Kangol hats and carried a bad motherfucker wallet!" Well, no duh, you've confused the first black president with Samuel L. Jackson. That's the bad motherfucker white folks often mistake for the black guy in The Matrix.

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News

President Whiny Ass Taking His Invisible F-35's And Going To France

Trump is now pretending HE decided to cancel his stupid military parade nobody wanted in the first place. YOU HAPPY NOW?

As Trump's White House dealt with the fallout of more self-inflicted scandals, CNBC reported that Trump's military parade had shot higher than the Space Force for an estimated cost of $92 million. Since nothing says "America" like a large pile of burning money and jet noise, Trump threw a Twitter tantrum, swore up and down that HE canceled the parade, blamed "local politicians," and declared he was going to France instead. You know, for the troops.

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Post-Racial America

Hey, Is Closing All But Two Polling Places In A Mostly Black County Racist? Asking For Georgia.

It's probably necessary to stop illegal aliens from voting. Yeah, that's the ticket.

The ACLU is seriously pissed at a Georgia county that's planning to shut down most of its polling places before this fall's elections. Why, yes, the residents are primarily black and poor, and the Randolph County Board of Elections is mostly Republican. And this is happening before an election that's expected to have heavy turnout, because the Democratic candidate for governor, Stacey Abrams, could become Georgia's first black governor. Closing 75 percent of the polling places in a predominantly black county just might have an effect on the statewide results. Who could have seen this coming when the Supreme Court gutted the Voting Rights Act, except everybody?

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lawsplainer

Trump NDAs Unenforceable? Trump Lawyers Shitty? WHAAAAA?!?!?

Try to contain your astonishment.

Losing your mind waiting for the Manfort jury to come back? Join the club! Let's distract ourselves with fun story of Jessica Denson, a former Trump campaign worker who represented herself pro se in a lawsuit to get her Non-Disclosure Agreement invalidated. AND SHE WON!

Why, yes, this is the very same agreement that Omarosa and thousands of other Trump employees signed! (Although the ruling is limited -- but more on that later.)

If Denson ever gets the NDA thrown out in its entirety, she's going to write one hell of a crazy book. Her complaint alone is full of delicious dirt on her rise from a Trump campaign phone banker to Hispanic Engagement Director in the den of vipers that surrounds Trump wherever he goes. According to Denson, along the way she pissed off her supervisor Camilo Sandoval, alienated designated strumpet AJ Delgado, became a favorite of Steve Bannon, and had her claims of persistent workplace harassment ignored by noted champion of women Kellyanne Conway.

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News

OMAROSA OHMYFUCK! Your Daily Omarosa Roundup, We Guess

Trump deserves what Omarosa is doing to him right now. So much.

Donald Trump just gave one of his awkward trademark press availabilities where he perches his beef body on the White House lawn (awkwardly) and yells the words on his Twitter feed at reporters. Anybody interested in a post about that, or should we just do an Omarosa update? SPOILER, you saw the headline, let's talk about the reality star nemesis who is currently unfairly making our dear Christlike president walk his own personal Via Omarosa on the way to what may end up being certain DOOM. (On our way to hell now, for making that pun. See you there.)

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Elections

The DMV Is Not Like Concentration Camps And Other Statements Self-Evident To Everyone But Morons

Republican candidate for California governor is just trying to lose.

Mike Godwin himself has relaxed his famous Godwin's Law regarding comparing things you don't like to Hitler because we live in Nazi-adjacent times where white supremacists roam free. So, yes, you should note the similarities in Donald Trump's "othering" of his enemies in the press and the brown skin. By all means point out that kiddie jails have less in common with the camps where children play than they do with the ones where Hitler sent people to die horribly. But whatever you do, don't compare the quotidian annoyance of standing in line at the DMV to the systematic extinction of millions of human beings.

Centuries from now, when they teach history at one of the Space Force settlements on Uranus, they will discuss the failed candidacy of John Cox, the Republican candidate for governor of California. He was already polling double digits behind Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom, but that was before he visited the Sacramento DMV.

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Healthcare

It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's More Disingenuous Trump Horseshit About Obamacare!

No health, no humanity, no service

Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar took to the Washington Post's op-ed page Thursday to shill for Donald Trump's exciting new junk insurance plans that won't cover much of anything, but will have very low premiums. It's a load of bullshit, of course, but it sure has a nifty lying headline: "Obamacare forgot about you. But Trump didn't." All hail the Great Man for selling us "insurance" that insures very, very little -- it's the perfect coverage for people whose idea of "buying a car" is having an undrive-able hulk up on cinder blocks in the front yard.

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News

SEAL Commander Who Killed Bin Laden Invites Trump To Go Suck Some Bone Spurs

We are beginning to think Trump revoking John Brennan's clearance is having some unintended consequences!

Golly gee, it seems like Donald Trump might have just stepped on his own dick again, in revoking the clearance of former CIA director John Brennan, who was integral to planning and executing the mission that killed Osama bin Laden, who, if the president has forgotten, was a radical theocratic fuckwad Islamic terrorist who murdered thousands of Americans on September 11, 2001. (Remember, Donald? You lied about seeing Muslims dancing in the streets that day in New Jersey.)

It's weird how when Donald Trump comes for real American patriots, real American patriots clap back harder, stronger, and with a much louder clappy THWAP! sound than Trump could ever muster (because their hands are normal-sized, as opposed to when Trump claps, which probably sounds like a mouse angrily trying to jerk off).

Admiral McRaven -- or more properly retired Admiral William H. McRaven, who led the Navy SEAL team that fucking murdered Osama bin Laden -- has penned an op-ed in the Washington Post saying that if Trump is revoking security clearances, then please go ahead and take his too, because he'd like to be counted among the patriots who love this country, like Brennan, who speak out against the thin-skinned flabby-ass tinpot dictator wannabe squatting in the Oval Office. He of course said it nicer than that:

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Trade War

Pentagon Hates The Troops. Wonkagenda For Friday, Aug. 17, 2018

Trump's military parade is canceled, the intel community strikes back, and beer saves a life. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Now Is The Time On Sprockets Where Gordon Klingenschmitt Exorcises Everyone Who Hates Trump

A fun post, because it's almost Friday!

Former Colorado state legislator and internet-elevangelist Gordon Klingenschmitt (his name is my name too) knows why we hate Trump. Is it because he is a terrible person and a terrible President? Is it because he says horrible things all of the time? Is it because he had the motherfucking gall to refer to Aretha Franklin as someone who worked for him?

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Culture

Mike Ness Punched Rude-Ass Trump Idiot At A Social D Show And Now We Are All Pregnant

Don't be the wrong kind of asshole at a punk show. Duh.

Trump supporters -- you can't take them anywhere. One idiot Trump supporter in Sacramento, California proved that at a recent Social Distortion show, where he thought it might be a good idea to be a dick to lead singer Mike Ness, the most perfect human man in all of existence. It did not go well.

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Journamalism

Trump Supports Freedom Of The Press To Agree With Him 100% Of The Time. OR ELSE.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to print.

You've probably heard about the great big project by the Boston Globe to get a whole bunch of newspapers to run editorials about Donald Trump's attacks on the press as the "Enemy of the People" -- in addition to the Globe's own editorial, several hundred papers nationwide are running pieces to advise their readers that a free press is kind of a big deal, and that attacking reporters as purveyors of fake news isn't good for a democracy (there's a nice searchable list at the New York Times). You might think President Thin Skin might simply ignore it, because obviously he's not going to be persuaded to stop demonizing the press. But of course, there's no provocation too slight to earn an overreaction from Donald Trump.

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Culture

Gay Hatin' Cake Nazi Hates Transgender Cakes Too, What A Big Shock

Maybe he should just get out of the cake business.

Some folks just can't be happy. Take Jack Phillips. He runs the boldly titled Masterpiece Cakeshop (hey, I'll be the judge of that ... if he'd actually bake a cake for me) in suburban Denver. A gay couple wanted him to mix flour and eggs together for them in celebration of their legal marital union, and he refused because this violated his religious freedom to believe gays are gross. The case went all the way to the Trump-tainted Supreme Court, which ruled in favor of Phillips on very specific and narrow legal grounds that I won't get into here because do I look like a Five Dollar Feminist?

Anyway, Phillips prevailed in the bigoted TV movie that would air on an evil Lifetime network. Donald Trump, who apparently believes Phillips's name is "Baker," praised the court decision. All was well, right? Wrong! That's what a gay atheist would think. Phillips is still subject to the outrageous persecution of people who want to be treated like human beings!

The Denver Post reports that Phillips filed suit against Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper and other state officials Tuesday. The drama queen claims the state has renewed its "crusade" against him because he's just a man, standing in a cake shop, asking the state to not force him to violate his arbitrary religious beliefs.

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lawsplainer

Rudy Giuliani: A REAL Lawyer For A REAL President

We're not saying he's lost his marbles. But we're not NOT saying it either.

OH, NOES! Watch your back, Mueller! TV personality Rudy Giuliani is threatening to open up a can of whoopass if the Russia investigation doesn't close up shop in the next three weeks. And this time he really means it, Mister!

The president's "lawyer" has been flapping his yap to anyone with a microphone, accusing Robert Mueller of "doing a Comey." Seriously!

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Russia

Hey Robert Mueller, Guess What? Trump's Doing Crimes In Public Again!

Wanna know the real reason Trump revoked John Brennan's clearance? Good lord, the president is dumb as shit.

SHOCKING NEWS THAT IS SHOCKING! Donald Trump is obstructing justice right in front of our faces again! No, we don't mean on Twitter, but special counsel Robert Mueller is looking into his tweets. We mean more like what happened last year when he sat down with NBC News's Lester Holt and admitted he fired James Comey in order to obstruct justice in the "RUSH-UR" investigation, you know "this thing with TRUMP AND RUSH-UR." Boy howdy, that man sure does like to confess to the crimes he does all the time!

Yesterday, Sarah Huckabee Sanders came out to rough up the handmaids distract America from how Omarosa has ALL THE TAPES and Donald Trump probably calls black people the N-word all the time, by reading a statement from President Thin Skin that he is revoking former CIA director John Brennan's security clearance. Why? Because President Thin Skin doesn't have two balls to rub together and he can't stand it when men who are smarter, stronger and prettier than he is criticize him. The White House didn't even halfway try to justify Trump's decision. There was no suggestion Brennan had mishandled classified information or done anything that would call for such an action. Sanders did say, however, that Brennan goes on TV and says hysterical "partisan" things, especially things about it's pretty obvious Vladimir Putin owns Donald Trump, and we all know saying mean things about Dear Leader is against the First Amendment.

In short, right out the gate, this entire announcement was an obvious distraction -- the original Trump statement was dated three weeks ago, so basically they just had this sitting in a "fuck you" folder, ready to go as needed -- and a particularly pathetic example of Trump punishing people on his enemies list.

But it turns out it was more than that, and we know this because Trump confessed crimes to Wall Street Journal reporters last night, LIKE HE DOES.

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