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The Top 768,796 Reasons Putin Wants Trump Re-Elected, For GOP Rep. Chris Stewart And Idiots Like Him

Yesterday we learned about the Russia briefing to the House Intelligence Committee that pissed off Donald Trump so much he fired his director of national intelligence, because the ODNI briefer told Congress the obvious truth that Russia is trying to get Trump re-elected. In that briefing, butthole-mouthed GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah was reportedly highly skeptical that Vladimir Putin would even want Trump re-elected, because Stewart is apparently high on his own sauce and truly believes the lies he tells himself about how Trump has been tougher on Putin than anybody else.

According to the New York Times,

Mr. Stewart insisted that the president had aggressively confronted Moscow, providing anti-tank weapons to Ukraine for its war against Russia-backed separatists and strengthening the NATO alliance with new resources, according to two people briefed on the meeting.

Mr. Stewart declined to discuss the briefing but said that Moscow had no reason to support Mr. Trump. He pointed to the president's work to confront Iran, a Russian ally, and encourage European energy independence from Moscow. "I'd challenge anyone to give me a real-world argument where Putin would rather have President Trump and not Bernie Sanders," Mr. Stewart said in an interview, referring to the nominal Democratic primary race front-runner.

This is the guy who was reportedly one of Trump's top choices for permanent director of national intelligence, but apparently isn't anymore because somebody showed Trump a mean quote Stewart said in 2016 where he called Trump "Mussolini" and Trump doesn't like him anymore. (Funny how much these Republicans have changed! Wonder why.)

Regardless, that sound you hear right now is Wonkette and every other patriotic and informed American endlessly screaming and banging our heads against the wall and wondering how Stewart and his fellow Trump-humping Republicans manage to put on pants in the morning without injuring themselves.

Why would Putin want Trump? Dunno, Congressman, why did Putin want Trump in the first fucking place? Because the reasons back then are the same as the reasons now, except for how how Putin also had a personal vendetta against Hillary Clinton in 2016. But oh boy, there were a thousand reasons Putin preferred to have his puppet Donald Trump in the American presidency then, and there are a million more now!

Instead of endlessly screaming, Wonkette chooses to be helpful to Chris Stewart and anybody else who is as dumb as he is and answer his question. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, DUMBASS.

Here is a long but not remotely exhaustive listicle! CLIP AND SHARE whenever someone is BEING AN IDIOT.

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DNI Trump Fired Over Russia Briefing ALSO Ukraine Crime Spree Witness, How Coincidence!

Congratulations, Joe Maguire, you just played yourself!

The story about Trump flipping out and firing his acting director of national intelligence, Joseph Maguire, because the intelligence community reached the blindingly obvious conclusion that Russia is trying to get him elected AGAIN, is fucked up six ways from Sunday. But let's not lose sight of the fact that just five months ago Maguire threw his body on the whistleblower hand grenade in a desperate effort to save the president from himself. And yesterday, for his troubles, he got tossed out like garbage.

THAT TRAIN IS NEVER LATE. And also, AS YE SOW, SO SHALL YE REAP. Plus a whole bunch of other aphorisms, probably.

Let's rewind the tape, shall we?

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Russia Trying To Re-Elect Trump, And He Is MAD (That Democrats Found Out)

Hey guess what! We know why Donald Trump fired acting Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire this week and felt the need to install the stupidest dipshit loyalist he knows, Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell, a guy who couldn't find "intelligence" with his ass and both hands, as acting DNI immediately, even though Maguire was out the door next month, as mandated by law.

RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE LISTENING? OH, YOU ARE!

The House Intelligence Committee got a briefing one week ago, on February 13, where an agent of the DNI -- Trump's DNI, not "Obama People" DNI, not the Deep State that tried to sound the alarm in the months before the 2016 election -- told them that Russia is working its yaytsa (THAT MEANS BALLS) off to re-elect Donald Trump, and that this is the conclusion of "multiple intelligence agencies," according to the New York Times, just like it was in 2016. And Trump found out about it. (The briefing. We are sure he already knew Russia was IF YOU'RE LISTENING.) And he is maaaaaad. (That Democrats found out. Not that Russia yet again is attacking our democracy for his benefit, he LOVES that.)

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ARE YOU READY FOR BLOOOOOMBERG????? (No.) (Your Vegas Democratic Debate LIVEBLERG!)

Hey fuckers. You know who's mad tonight? ME. It's not you, specifically, unless it was you, specifically (it's entirely possible it was you, specifically), but MAMA MAD. I've been mad all week. Maybe I've been mad ALL YEAR! I've definitely been mad all day. And the MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE FUCKING ANGRIER I AM.

LET'S FUCKING LIVEBLOOG.

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Media/Entertainment

We Need To Talk About Dick Van Dyke And His Collection Of Animatronic Dick Van Dykes

Also this is your open thread!

The Bernie Sanders campaign put out a video last night, featuring Dick Van Dyke, star of The Dick Van Dyke Show, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Bye Bye Birdie and, of course, Mary Poppins, talking about why he is voting for Sanders in the 2020 Democratic primary. Some may consider this good news, others may be so furious about it that they will never watch an episode of Diagnosis: Murder ever again. Still other people might be like "Who?," but screw them, they are monsters.

The ad is a plea from Van Dyke, who calls this the most important election since World War II, to older people to join him in voting for Sanders. It includes a very nice moment of him dragging Trump in a manner any of us should find very satisfying regardless of who we are voting for, and a very cute moment at the end where the 94-year-old legend says, about the 78-year-old Senator, "I think somebody young like Bernie is just a perfect candidate."

But regardless of how you feel about Bernie Sanders, I am going to need to draw your attention to some very important things in this video.

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Snake Oil & General Woo

Don't Go Taking STI Curing Advice From Jim Bakker!

It will turn you blue!

Here at Wonkette, we are never afraid to be servicey. As you may recall, I am one of those weirdos who does like an 87 step Korean skincare routine involving a whole lot of snail mucin, and so I do consider it part of my sacred duty to inform people when a thing is really bad for their skin!

And one of those things is ingesting colloidal silver.

Televangelist Jim Bakker is going around telling people that instead of going to the doctor and getting some antibiotics, they should be curing their sexually transmitted infections with his "Silver Solution," claiming that it "kills every venereal disease there is." Why all of these very holy and righteous people who watch Jim Bakker would have any STIs, we cannot even begin to guess. Aren't they all supposed to be married or abstinent? Could it be that they have the same amount of non-marital sex as everyone else, but just didn't get any sex-ed in school?

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Class War

AOC Wears Fancy Dress Instead Of Burlap Sack On Television Show, Idiots Cry Hypocrisy

Can't wear that to a breadline!

On Wednesday morning, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stopped by The View to chat about Bernie Sanders and the primary... and can you believe it? She wore clothes. Like, actual human clothes that she bought at a store, probably. In fact, she wore a super cute purple leopard sequin dress that I am pretty jealous of.

Highlighting one tweet with 12 likes from a lady with about 600 followers, The New York Post did a whole entire article this morning on all of the "tongues wagging" about how AOC was wearing a fancy designer dress by Rickie Freeman, because of how she is a hypocrite.

Oh, for shame!

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Class War

California: 'Porn License And Registration Please'

Bow chicka BOW WOW.

A bill in the California state Assembly would require adult performers to get a business license and undergo a couple of hours of training aimed at informing them of their rights as workers. AB-2389 would mandate a state-approved training course, which would cover "information on reporting workplace injuries, sexual harassment, and sex trafficking," which frankly sounds like a good idea.

The exact requirements for the training would be developed by the California Department of Industrial Relations, with input from a board appointed by the governer. The board would be made up of "two adult film actors, three dancers, two medical doctors, a therapist, and a money manager" — and again, that sounds like a good mix of people to give adult entertainers, including webcam performers, some basic information on how to not be exploited by sleazy employers. Not surprisingly, the nice libertarian folks who report on the bill at Reason are worried that the heavy hand of government could do far more harm than good. Do you want porn to work as badly as the Post Office? Fortunately, no warnings of little-death panels, at least not yet.

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Impeachment

Crawling Smear Of Paul Ryan Paul Ryans All Over Us Again

Ryan turns on old buddy Mitt Romney because of course he would.

Thursday, someone on the Fox News mothership dared suggest that Donald Trump was anything less than magnificent. During an appearance on "Your World with Neil Cavuto," A.B. Stoddard of RealClearPolitics compared Trump's 2016 debate performances to Mike Bloomberg's Elizabeth-Warren-assisted autopsy Wednesday night.

STODDARD: I think that Donald Trump had disastrous debate performances. Many answers were so cringeworthy. You just couldn't even believe that he was standing on the stage. And he's president.

The mad king was unpleased.

Narrator: Donald Trump did not win any of the presidential debates. He embarrassed himself and his loved ones, if he has any. Trump blamed this glitch in the Fox News Matrix on Paul Ryan. The former House speaker is on the board of Wolfram & Hart whatever evil global entity currently owns Fox News. There were articles about how the former Republican House speaker was going to influence the network from the inside to take down Trump. That was obviously all bullshit. He's now more of a Trump stooge than ever.

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Weekly Top Ten

Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten Hurt Ted Cruz's Balls, OW!

It's very sad.

Willkommen, bienvenue, BUENAS DIAS. Remember when I told you yesterday that I was taking a week off? Well, due to the vagaries of the space-time continuum and also the "schedule posts" button, it is still Friday somewhere in the world. But HELL YEAH we're on our way to Mexico. Or will be. Perhaps!

Now it is time to count down the Wonkette stories you loved the most this week, as determined by Yang Gang. BUT FIRST!

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Trump

Trump Cannot, Will Not STFU About Black Lady Juror Who Hurted His Best Friend Roger

Betcha Bill Barr's gonna resign any second now!

Isn't Bill Barr supposedly like, "waaaaaaah, I can't do my coverups for Donald Trump if he won't stop tweeting ATTABOYS at me, waaaaah"? Isn't he supposedly threatening to resign over this?

Oh well, guess Bill Barr is just going to have to decide if it's worth it to stand by his man, because ever since the Roger Stone verdict came down yesterday, Trump has been flapping his fucking yap.

Last night, Trump did an event in Vegas, because his new thing is doing events in all the states where they're having Democratic primaries and caucuses. This one was a commencement ceremony for Hope for Prisoners, a group that helps former inmates, so Trump was giving a commencement speech.

SPOILER: He whined. And he whined. And he made shit up. And he whined. And he lied. And he made shit up. And he whined.

For 19 solid minutes, he whined.

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Conspiracy Theories

Ilhan Omar's Challenger A QAnon-Believing, Alleged-Multiple-Offending Shoplifter On The Run From The Law

And we're not even making fun of her.

Danielle Stella wants Ilhan Omar's seat in Congress. Any Republican would have a hard enough time unseating Omar, given that Minnesota's Fifth District is heavily Democratic, but Stella has more obstacles in her way than the average Minnesota Republican. For one, she is a QAnon believer. Like, among other things, she believes that JFK Jr. or someone is posting secret clues to the internet in order to keep people apprised of Donald Trump's ongoing war against pedophiles who kill children in order to get high off of their adrenal glands.

For another, she can't campaign in the district she is competing for, on account of how there is currently a warrant out for her arrest and she is on the lam.

As The Guardian reported back in July of last year, the 31-year-old special education teacher was arrested twice last year on shoplifting charges — one for allegedly awarding herself a discount of nearly $2400 from a Target, and another for $40 in "cat merchandise" from a supermarket. The Target arrest occurred in January 2019, when police say she scanned about $50 worth of items at the self-checkout, and then walked out with 279 more, totaling $2,327.97.

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White House

Trump Taps Nunes Lackey Kash Patel To Run Nation's Intelligence, If Any

NOW it's time to panic.

Okay, Purity Ponies, this one's for YOU!

Guess which lunatic fox just got put in charge of the Intelligence henhouse? Hooray, it is Devin Nunes's lackey Kash Patel, who spent the past three years flogging the lie that the Intel Community made up the Russian interference story just to hurt Donald Trump. The president just promoted the guy who thinks the FBI and CIA lied about Russian hacking to cover up the fact that HILLARY CLINTON IS THE REAL COLLUSION to senior advisor at the Office of Director of National Intelligence. But please, tell us more about how you'll be staying home if your candidate doesn't win!

After shoving aside (acting) Director of National Intelligence Joe Maguire for the grievous sin of acknowledging Russian ratfucking, Trump named Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell, a man with zero national security experience, as nominal (acting) DNI until he can pick a permanent successor. Grenell will retain his ambassadorship, and tend to the SEVENTEEN AGENCIES which constitute our the Intelligence Community in his spare time. But it's okay, because that should leave him plenty of time to zero out any projects focusing on Russian interference with the 2020 election. And if there's an issue with the time-zone or something, he's always got Kash Patel to lean on.

If the past three years have blurred together into one long nightmare for you, let's review who Kash Patel is, shall we?

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White House

State Department Kinda Making Up Coronavirus Policy As It Goes Along. That Cool?

It's hard to tell the weaponized incompetence from the regular kind.

The Washington Post published a disturbing-maybe story yesterday detailing internal White House deliberations Sunday, when the US was about to fly more than 300 Americans from that quarantined cruise ship in Japan back to the USA. The Americans who wanted to return home had already been taken off the Diamond Princess, which had been sitting at anchor in Yokohama Harbor since February 3 while the Covid-19 coronavirus spread among the passengers on board. But while the 328 Americans, all wearing surgical masks and gloves, waited on buses at Haneda Airport in Tokyo for their flight home, officials from the State Department and the Centers for Disease Control were wrangling over a new problem: 14 of the Americans had tested positive for the virus, although the State Department had promised that nobody who was infected would be allowed on the two 747s — their interiors stripped of everything but seats — chartered to repatriate the Americans.

As the Post reports, it seems nobody had planned for that possibility.

A decision had to be made. Let them all fly? Or leave them behind in Japanese hospitals? [...]

The State Department and a top Trump administration health official wanted to forge ahead. The infected passengers had no symptoms and could be segregated on the plane in a plastic-lined enclosure. But officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention disagreed, contending they could still spread the virus. The CDC believed the 14 should not be flown back with uninfected passengers.

"It was like the worst nightmare," said a senior U.S. official involved in the decision, speaking on the condition of anonymity to describe private conversations. "Quite frankly, the alternative could have been pulling grandma out in the pouring rain, and that would have been bad, too."

Ultimately, it may not make a huge difference — or at least we don't know yet. All the Americans who were brought back remain in quarantine at military bases in California and Texas, where they're no doubt being prevented from seeing the massive numbers of Russian and Chinese tanks left over from Barack Obama's Jade Helm 15 conspiracy. But even if none of those who tested positive for the virus actually spread it on the planes, it's not exactly reassuring to know that the people in charge were pretty much improvising their response — which is, after all, the default mode in Donald Trump's White House.

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2020 presidential election

Tim Scott Predicts Clone Army Of Tim Scotts Voting For Trump

This is very disturbing news.

It's no secret that black people aren't crazy about Donald Trump. This is because he's a racist and we all know he's a racist. Republicans like to counter this indisputable fact with a list of all the great things Trump has done for us. For instance, the sun is still in the sky and fried chicken is freely accessible.

Tuesday, on Fox News, Neil Cavuto asked House Majority Whip James Clyburn if he thought more black voters would support the president's re-election. The esteemed representative from South Carolina was a firm "hell, no!"

CAVUTO: [Voters] are happy with the way things are going, including African-Americans. Do you not agree with that?

CLYBURN: No, I don't. Because I go to church with African-Americans. I live with African-Americans. I'm the father of African-Americans.

This is only first-hand information. Cavuto still demanded that Clyburn comment on his great white hope.

CAVUTO: You don't think more African-Americans will vote for the president than he's previously been given credit?

CLYBURN: Absolutely not.

That sounds like "case closed" to me. However, South Carolina Republican Sen. Tim Scott dropped by Friday with some good news for Donald Trump. He doesn't just disagree with Clyburn, but my brother from a very different mother boasted that Trump's black voter support will almost double.

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Russia

The Top 768,796 Reasons Putin Wants Trump Re-Elected, For GOP Rep. Chris Stewart And Idiots Like Him

WE ARE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

Yesterday we learned about the Russia briefing to the House Intelligence Committee that pissed off Donald Trump so much he fired his director of national intelligence, because the ODNI briefer told Congress the obvious truth that Russia is trying to get Trump re-elected. In that briefing, butthole-mouthed GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah was reportedly highly skeptical that Vladimir Putin would even want Trump re-elected, because Stewart is apparently high on his own sauce and truly believes the lies he tells himself about how Trump has been tougher on Putin than anybody else.

According to the New York Times,

Mr. Stewart insisted that the president had aggressively confronted Moscow, providing anti-tank weapons to Ukraine for its war against Russia-backed separatists and strengthening the NATO alliance with new resources, according to two people briefed on the meeting.

Mr. Stewart declined to discuss the briefing but said that Moscow had no reason to support Mr. Trump. He pointed to the president's work to confront Iran, a Russian ally, and encourage European energy independence from Moscow. "I'd challenge anyone to give me a real-world argument where Putin would rather have President Trump and not Bernie Sanders," Mr. Stewart said in an interview, referring to the nominal Democratic primary race front-runner.

This is the guy who was reportedly one of Trump's top choices for permanent director of national intelligence, but apparently isn't anymore because somebody showed Trump a mean quote Stewart said in 2016 where he called Trump "Mussolini" and Trump doesn't like him anymore. (Funny how much these Republicans have changed! Wonder why.)

Regardless, that sound you hear right now is Wonkette and every other patriotic and informed American endlessly screaming and banging our heads against the wall and wondering how Stewart and his fellow Trump-humping Republicans manage to put on pants in the morning without injuring themselves.

Why would Putin want Trump? Dunno, Congressman, why did Putin want Trump in the first fucking place? Because the reasons back then are the same as the reasons now, except for how how Putin also had a personal vendetta against Hillary Clinton in 2016. But oh boy, there were a thousand reasons Putin preferred to have his puppet Donald Trump in the American presidency then, and there are a million more now!

Instead of endlessly screaming, Wonkette chooses to be helpful to Chris Stewart and anybody else who is as dumb as he is and answer his question. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, DUMBASS.

Here is a long but not remotely exhaustive listicle! CLIP AND SHARE whenever someone is BEING AN IDIOT.

Keep reading...
News

Tucker Carlson Has New Target In His Crosshairs, Because He Is A Stochastic Terrorist

Judge Amy Berman Jackson, please be careful out there!

Tucker Carlson last night demanded that conservative folk hero Roger Stone receive an undeserved pardon. Stone was convicted of witness tampering and obstruction, which are still crimes even if you're white and friends with Donald Trump. Carlson insisted that the person who truly deserves punishment isn't Stone himself but the judge who presided over his trial, Amy Berman Jackson.

Carlson smeared the US district court judge as a "Democratic activist wearing robes" and argued that Jackson should be impeached. Ever since Trump's justifiable impeachment, conservatives have wanted to impeach anyone, even a ham sandwich, in retaliation. (Remember when all of a sudden the GOP talking points were that the Supreme Court is composed of "nine unelected judges IN ROBES"? That was weird. I don't know if they were trying to make them sound femme or satanic, probably both.)

CARLSON: Stone's sentence was delivered by an Obama-appointed judge called Amy Berman Jackson. You often hear people say that our justice system has been infected by politics. Amy Berman Jackson is living proof that it has been. She's an open partisan who has so flagrantly violated the bounds of constitutional law and fairness that it's shocking she's still on the bench. If there's anyone in Washington who deserves to be impeached, it's Amy Berman Jackson.

These are, of course, all lies inconsistent with Jackson's actual record. Carlson's "proof" that Jackson's a "liberal hack" is how she apparently persecuted Rick Gates and Paul Manafort "before they were even been convicted of anything." Jackson revoked Manafort's bail and issued him striped pajamas because the prosecution accused him of witness tampering, which I repeat for the legally impaired is a crime. There's zero evidence Jackson was especially harsh to Gates. True, she didn't offer him a massage or anything, but this was federal court not a resort and spa that caters to Trump's corrupt associates.

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Crime

Doomsday Cult Mom Arrested!

Still no word on where her damn kids are!

Lori Vallow, (allegedly) a reincarnated god sent to lead us all when Jesus comes back in July of this year, as well as mother to two children — Tylee Ryan, 17, and Joshua Vallow, 7 — who have been mysteriously missing since September of last year, has finally been arrested on the island of Kaua'i in Hawaii. Vallow was supposed to show up in court in Idaho on January 30 to explain where her kids are, but decided to stay in Hawaii instead.

According to a statement from the Kaua'i Police Department, Vallow is being charged with "two felony counts of desertion and nonsupport of dependent children. She was also charged with arrests and seizures – resisting or obstructing officers, criminal solicitation to commit a crime, and contempt of court – willful disobedience of court process or order."

The maximum sentence on each count of child desertion in Idaho is 14 years.

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Religion

Orlando Jesusland Layoffs Mean No More Daily Scourgings, Crucifixions

Not even Jeb! Bush's tax exemption helped :(

The Holy Land Experience, a Jesus-oriented theme park that won a place on weird tourist attraction listicles for its daily reenactments of the torture and crucifixion of Jesus the Christ, announced this week it's laying off most of its employees. That means no more Passion Plays, no more spectacles depicting Peter bringing the Gospel to Rome, and no more educational Roman Soldier Training Camp for the kids. Romanes Eunt Domus, indeed! We aren't sure whether the big diorama of Jerusalem in Jesus Times will stay open, but maybe? The park's management says it plans to return to its original mission as a church and museum, and a diorama doesn't have a lot of moving parts.

The Tampa Bay Times reports the park is laying off darn near everyone.

On Friday, the theme park filed a layoff notice with city and state officials that it plans to eliminate 118 jobs, representing most of its employees, as of April 18. Those losing their jobs include 43 actors and musicians, plus dancers, media specialists, prop handlers, food service workers and support staff.

The layoffs didn't come as too big a surprise, since the park, owned by the Trinity Broadcasting Network, announced in January it would be ending all its theatrical productions and later said it was definitely staying open but also maybe looking for a buyer.

We bet that somewhere in heaven, TBN founders Paul and Jan Crouch are looking down from their $100,000 motorhome for dogs or their $50 million jet (it's there with them — you've heard of the spiritual plane, haven't you?) and crying at what's become of their beautiful ministry. Guess the audiences that made The Passion of the Christ a hit weren't willing to travel to see some bloody Jesus-whipping.

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White House

The Next Contestant On 'So You Think You Can DNI' Is ... The Congressman From 'Hee Haw'!

SPOILER, he does not want the job. Womp womp!

Oh God, how many times have we been through this now, where Donald Trump floats an idea for a new real-live big-boy director of national intelligence, and then promptly gets smacked in the grundle for being so stupid as to even think that's a possibility? (The highly unqualified dickhead acting DNI, Ric Grenell, who is also the loathed ambassador to Germany, is only there temporarily. He says.)

Trump thought maybe he could pick Devin Nunes, but no, that didn't work, everybody LOLed and said "moo." He thought he could pick paste-eating dipsack Texas Rep. John Ratcliffe, but WHOOPS, John Ratcliffe appears to have fabricated half of his career. He still could pick Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah, which is horrifying, because that guy literally queened out during the Russia intelligence briefing because he just can't understand why Putin would pick Trump, considering how TUFF ON RUSSIA Trump has been. If you are that stupid, you are not qualified to feed our cat, and we do not have a cat.

But Trump likes reality shows, and this is clearly a reality show, so might as well have a new contestant! SPOILER, the new contestant does not even want to be on the reality show.

Let's meet him!

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