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Something About A Dick In The Eye, Who Even Knows!

Hi Wonkers, how are you, we are fine! No, really, we are fine. Despite being ad-free and ENTIRELY reader-funded, we made payroll this month for our little mommyblog/independent news site with a cherry on top and EVERYTHING, and didn't even have to scream and weep and gnash at you! Of course, every month we put up our moneybeg and DON'T wail that we are going to the poorhouse to die of diphtheria, you fuckers are like "WELL, GUESS YOU'RE NOT DYING OF DIPHTHERIA THEN, GONNA JUST GO SPEND MY WONK MONEYS ON NEW SHOES FOR THE CAT."

I mean, do what you want. It's your cat.

But here is the thing, and it is a lovely thing: In just two weeks (!!!!1!!!!1eleven!!!!) Robyn and Stephen will be joining us full-time, and I am so excited I can barely stand it. We'll be able to pay them a proper living wage instead of an okay freelance one, and excellent healthcare, and we will have so many posts covering so much news, and we'll even be able to break off and do longterm projects and ... I don't know, one of these days we will do a podcast. I have never listened to one, because I don't have a "commute" or "do exercise," so NOT IT.

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Trump Maybe Won't Debate In 2020 Because Last Time They Rigged It To Make Him Stupid, Yep, That's It

Donald Trump has a totally legitimate reason for maybe deciding to act even more like a criminal authoritarian king during the election next year, by refusing to debate his eventual Democratic opponent.

No, it's not because Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren or Pete Buttigieg or, we dunno, a hologram of Marianne Williamson beamed in from outer space, would make him look very stupid, because of how he is the stupidest person in the entire United States of the World, STOP SAYING IT'S BECAUSE HE'S STUPID.

And no, it's not because he's a total chickenshit who's BAWK BAWK BAWK about having to go head-to-head in a battle of wits against literally anybody.

And no, it's not because his old balls body is too incontinent at this point to stand on a stage for three hours without a poop break.

And no, it's not because they won't let him bring big Sharpie-written notes that say "BIDEN IS THE REAL YOUKRAINE" or "SAY POCOHOMTAS MORE" or "PETE IS THE GAY KIND."

And no, it's not because he's bad at talking and did we mention stupid?

Just kidding, it actually is because he's stupid, but not in the most obvious way. You see, THEY made it RIGGED, and he is STILL MAD:

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NJ Anti-Vaxxers Somehow Protesting Traffic Problems In Fort Lee

At the New Jersey statehouse Thursday, hundreds of angry anti-vaxxers packed into a hearing room to demand their voices be heard. It was the wrong hearing room, but they demanded to be heard anyway, because this is America.

The crowd wanted to express their opposition to a bill that would eliminate the state's religious exemption for vaccine requirements, but they somehow ended up in a room where a completely unrelated hearing for New Jersey Transit was scheduled. And no, they weren't going anywhere -- just like ambulances in Fort Lee.

Gosh, you mean to say that even when they were informed of the facts and advised that if they wanted to achieve their aims, they should literally change where they stood, they refused to listen? Seems like that's very on-brand. Good for them, refusing to be told how to live their lives by a bunch of so-called "experts" and "authorities."

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Doug Collins BIG MAD About Coming To Work Today. Impeachment Vote Liveblog!

One of the grossest and most special features of the impeachment of Donald Trump is that Doug Collins, the carnival barker auctioneer redneck from Georgia, is the ranking member on the House Judiciary Committee. And he did not want to come to work this morning.

If you had the TV on last night, you saw that Congress worked late last night marking up the articles of impeachment. In fact they worked so late that Chairman Jerry Nadler decided, you know what, fuck it, let's recess and come back in the morning to actually vote the articles out of committee.

Did we say Collins was mad? He was BIG MAD.

"You've just blown up schedules for everyone" said Rep. Douglas A. Collins (Ga.). "This is the kangaroo court we're talking about."

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.) called the decision "Stalinesque."

Typical Stalin. He was always like "Let's do some more democracy at 10 a.m. tomorrow!"

Collins was big mad because Republicans had important places to go today, but all of a sudden mean Jerry Nadler was like "DURRRRRR COME TO WORK!" So rude and unfair.

But you see, they weren't actually supposed to work that late last night, and it was the Republicans who dragged it on and on and on and on and on and on:

A Democratic aide refuted the notion that there was any agreement to have a vote this evening. But behind the scenes sources pointed out how both sides originally agreed to finish by 5 p.m. Thursday – and the GOP changed its mind at the last minute and dragged the hearing out, ruining Democrats' plans. Democrats dished it back, in a way.

Please enjoy these videos of Collins calling the impeachment hearing "bush league" and "words cannot describe" and WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE, and also Louie Gohmert calling it "Stalinesque," because of how they all had to come to work today. They must have had something important on their Friday schedules, like maybe Doug and Louie were going to get a couples massage or something.

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Featured

Something About A Dick In The Eye, Who Even Knows!

That's right, it's your moneybeg!

Hi Wonkers, how are you, we are fine! No, really, we are fine. Despite being ad-free and ENTIRELY reader-funded, we made payroll this month for our little mommyblog/independent news site with a cherry on top and EVERYTHING, and didn't even have to scream and weep and gnash at you! Of course, every month we put up our moneybeg and DON'T wail that we are going to the poorhouse to die of diphtheria, you fuckers are like "WELL, GUESS YOU'RE NOT DYING OF DIPHTHERIA THEN, GONNA JUST GO SPEND MY WONK MONEYS ON NEW SHOES FOR THE CAT."

I mean, do what you want. It's your cat.

But here is the thing, and it is a lovely thing: In just two weeks (!!!!1!!!!1eleven!!!!) Robyn and Stephen will be joining us full-time, and I am so excited I can barely stand it. We'll be able to pay them a proper living wage instead of an okay freelance one, and excellent healthcare, and we will have so many posts covering so much news, and we'll even be able to break off and do longterm projects and ... I don't know, one of these days we will do a podcast. I have never listened to one, because I don't have a "commute" or "do exercise," so NOT IT.

Keep reading... Show less
Crime

Headless Body In Brainless Pardon

Matt Bevin does some pardons on his way out the door.

After narrowly losing his reelection bid to Democrat Andy Beshear, lameduck Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin has gone on a pardoning spree, pardoning 428 prisoners between losing the election and Wednesday, his final day in office. It's not unusual for governors to issue pardons on their way out of office, but those pardons don't typically include quite so many prisoners convicted or homicide or sexual assault. And in at least one case, Bevin pardoned a dude whose family members were big-time Bevin donors, and who even hosted a fundraiser to retire Bevin's campaign debt.

Among those Bevin pardoned, as the Louisville Courier-Journal notes, were "one offender convicted of raping a child, another who hired a hit man to kill his business partner and a third who killed his parents." Also a couple of parents who, in separate cases, killed their babies.

You have to admit, it would have made a hell of a reelection slogan: "Four More Years -- Or I Let The Child Rapist Out."

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Trade War

Trump Accepts Promise Of Six Magic Beans, Declares Flawless Victory In China Trade War

Trade wars are good, and easy to win. You betcha.

President Arty McDeals got rolled. AGAIN.

Donald Trump bumbled us into a stupid trade war with China, and now he's so thirsty for a deal he's holding up a blank piece of paper and demanding a grateful nation pay tribute to his unparalleled negotiation skills. But he's not going to go through with his plan to ruin Christmas by slapping a 25 percent tariff on literally everything under the tree, so .... PLEASE CLAP?

"Many structural changes." UH HUH. Feels like we've seen this movie before, right?

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White House

Melania Pretty Sure Bullying Kids Is #BeBest As Long As They're ... Famous?

Fuck you, Melania.

We do not want to be unfair to Queen Melania Of The #BeBesting Of No Bullying And Also Opioids, but she has finally weighed in on her online troll husband's online bullying of Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old climate activist who ruined Donald Trump's entire life when TIME named her "Person Of The Year." And, well, she's being a SUPER FUCKING DICK about it, as you might expect.

Her statement is about as warm as the holiday cheer that emanates from her Christmas displays:

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Healthcare

PSA: Don't Take Fish Antibiotics Unless You Are A Fish. In Which Case You Are Probably Not Reading This.

Not afraid to be servicey!

You know, you learn something new every day. Yesterday, I learned that Americans are taking fish antibiotics because they cannot afford antibiotics for humans.

Now, look. I know people have their issues with Bernie Sanders. But I would hope that we could all agree that people taking fish antibiotics is objectively bad, and for multiple reasons.

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Elections

Andrew Sullivan: Jeremy Corbyn Killed Labour With All His Woke Pronouns

Democrats need to hurry up and start treating minorities like crap if we're going to win elections.

The UK's Labour Party got spanked last night, and although I'm a devoted viewer of The Crown and Victoria, I'm not really qualified to make sweeping statements about British politics. Fortunately, conservative writer Andrew Sullivan is prepared to tell us what his homeland's self-destructive impulses can teach us here in his adopted country.

Yes, Democrats are DOOMED as we take a "hard-left" slide that's likely to end with nominating Joe Biden for president. The Twitter that Sullivan and other conservatives use proudly exists in the real world, but "Left Twitter" is apparently a holodeck simulation where 15-year-old SER makes out all day with Counselor Troi. If liberals are on a fake Twitter, then why are we always warned that criticizing Democratic candidates will help re-elect Donald Trump? It's obvious nothing we do matters.

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Ukraine

Wanna Hear Rudy's NEW New Ukraine Conspiracy Theory? Wait, Where Are You Going?

COME BACK.

Liz literally just finished writing about how there was an actual crazy person spotted waddling across the White House grounds so he could go blubber about the new fake "dirt" he got on his latest #crimetime trip to Ukraine. "What did you get," asked Donald Trump of his certifiably batshit snuggle buddy Rudy Giuliani. "More than you can imagine," answered Rudy Giuliani from the tarmac, and we imagine Trump was very happy, because if there's one thing he loves, it's easily debunked lies smuggled up Rudy's ass in Ukraine by Kremlin-trained operatives, for the purposes of helping him steal the 2020 election.

This happened the same day the House Judiciary Committee passed articles of impeachment against Trump for ... soliciting illegal assistance from Ukraine in helping him steal the 2020 election.

Roodles The Rambunctious Clown has had a big week. Not only did he uncover a massive and entirely made up conspiracy theory about how Adam Schiff invested in a mutual fund one time, but Talking Points Memo reports that he uncovered another massive and entirely made up conspiracy theory in Ukraine!

This time it's ... um ... well ... OK ... how to put this ...

Former Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch and Joe Biden hid $5.3 billion in American aid intended for Ukraine in their underpants and then they buried it in the backyard probably (WITH THE DNC SERVER, WE BET) and then they dug it back up so they could give it to George Soros, OK, maybe not directly to George Soros, they just gave it to NGOs that George Soros is sugar-daddy of and ...

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Ukraine

Hey Bill Barr, Wanna Read Rudy's Dirrrty Ukraine Fantasy Novel?

It'll take more than 15 flushes to get rid of this one.

There will come a day when we will not be forced to write about that lunatic Rudy Giuiani every seven hours. We can go back to blessed ignorance on the vagaries of Ukrainian transliteration. Two Ys? An I and a Y? Won't be our problem! We'll forget the name of that One America News hostess who looked straight into the camera and claimed that she and Rudy Giuliani were being menaced by George Soros himself, because the nonagenarian billionaire has nothing better to do than fly to Europe and follow Chanel fucking Rion around. One day Rudy and the hairball lawyers will go to jail, or to hell, or to Moscow, never to be thought of again.

Sadly that day is not today. Because today, like every other day for the past three years, is CRIME TIME. Here's Rudy Giuliani, reporting for CRIME DUTY at the White House.

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2020 presidential election

Trump Maybe Won't Debate In 2020 Because Last Time They Rigged It To Make Him Stupid, Yep, That's It

Hate it when 'they' make Donald Trump stupid.

Donald Trump has a totally legitimate reason for maybe deciding to act even more like a criminal authoritarian king during the election next year, by refusing to debate his eventual Democratic opponent.

No, it's not because Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren or Pete Buttigieg or, we dunno, a hologram of Marianne Williamson beamed in from outer space, would make him look very stupid, because of how he is the stupidest person in the entire United States of the World, STOP SAYING IT'S BECAUSE HE'S STUPID.

And no, it's not because he's a total chickenshit who's BAWK BAWK BAWK about having to go head-to-head in a battle of wits against literally anybody.

And no, it's not because his old balls body is too incontinent at this point to stand on a stage for three hours without a poop break.

And no, it's not because they won't let him bring big Sharpie-written notes that say "BIDEN IS THE REAL YOUKRAINE" or "SAY POCOHOMTAS MORE" or "PETE IS THE GAY KIND."

And no, it's not because he's bad at talking and did we mention stupid?

Just kidding, it actually is because he's stupid, but not in the most obvious way. You see, THEY made it RIGGED, and he is STILL MAD:

Keep reading... Show less
Science

NJ Anti-Vaxxers Somehow Protesting Traffic Problems In Fort Lee

They're not about to let Big Room Scheduling push them around.

At the New Jersey statehouse Thursday, hundreds of angry anti-vaxxers packed into a hearing room to demand their voices be heard. It was the wrong hearing room, but they demanded to be heard anyway, because this is America.

The crowd wanted to express their opposition to a bill that would eliminate the state's religious exemption for vaccine requirements, but they somehow ended up in a room where a completely unrelated hearing for New Jersey Transit was scheduled. And no, they weren't going anywhere -- just like ambulances in Fort Lee.

Gosh, you mean to say that even when they were informed of the facts and advised that if they wanted to achieve their aims, they should literally change where they stood, they refused to listen? Seems like that's very on-brand. Good for them, refusing to be told how to live their lives by a bunch of so-called "experts" and "authorities."

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Media/Entertainment

Mitch McConnell Spoils Ending Of IMPEACHMENT: TRIAL BY FIRE. Hint No Witches Will Be Drowned

Spoiler Alert: We think he gets away with it.

Mitch McConnell was on Sean Hannity's show last night, and the Senate majority leader gave away the ending of Donald Trump's impeachment. We've waited three years for this, but McConnell still ignored all the #NoSpoilers! hashtags on Twitter. He didn't coyly suggest that we tune in and see what happens during next year's Senate trial. No, he confirmed there's absolutely no chance of the GOP-controlled Senate removing the extortionist in chief from office.

Hannity asked McConnell to walk us through the process for Trump's sham trial. McConnell repeated the Republican talking point that Democrats have been obsessed with impeaching Trump ever since the election Russia fixed. He said Democrats are "finally getting around" to impeachment, as if they are so lazy and feckless it took almost Trump's entire first term to railroad him. This is what happens when you hire government contractors for a project.

McConnell calmly reassured Hannity's viewers that the Senate is fully in the tank for Trump, just like the Constitution intended if it was written by pirates.

MCCONNELL: We'll listen to the opening arguments by the House prosecutors. We'll listen to the president's lawyers respond. Then we'll have to make a decision about the way forward. Everything I'm doing during this I'm coordinating with White House counsel. There will be no difference between the president's position and our position as to how to handle this — to the extent that we can....

We'll be working through this process, hopefully in a short period of time, in total coordination with the White House counsel's office and the people representing the president in the well of the Senate.
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Immigrants

Border Patrol Sending All The Cubans Back To Mexico Even After They Win Asylum

They're not Norwegian dissidents, after all.

Not content with its plan to effectively end asylum for new applicants, the Trump administration has dreamed up some brand new fuckery to hit asylum-seekers with. Immigration attorneys tell Buzzfeed News and the San Diego Union-Tribune the Border Patrol has taken to issuing fake court notices to asylum seekers, as a way of keeping out immigrants who could otherwise legally be allowed into the US. Yes, you read that right. We have to repeat it to believe it ourselves: The Border Patrol is telling migrants they have nonexistent court dates so they won't exercise their rights to legally enter the land of freedom and equal justice under law.

Because without respect for the law, you don't have a country, right? Doesn't mean the law has to respect you.

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Impeachment

Doug Collins BIG MAD About Coming To Work Today. Impeachment Vote Liveblog!

BIIIIIIIIIIIIG MAD.

One of the grossest and most special features of the impeachment of Donald Trump is that Doug Collins, the carnival barker auctioneer redneck from Georgia, is the ranking member on the House Judiciary Committee. And he did not want to come to work this morning.

If you had the TV on last night, you saw that Congress worked late last night marking up the articles of impeachment. In fact they worked so late that Chairman Jerry Nadler decided, you know what, fuck it, let's recess and come back in the morning to actually vote the articles out of committee.

Did we say Collins was mad? He was BIG MAD.

"You've just blown up schedules for everyone" said Rep. Douglas A. Collins (Ga.). "This is the kangaroo court we're talking about."

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.) called the decision "Stalinesque."

Typical Stalin. He was always like "Let's do some more democracy at 10 a.m. tomorrow!"

Collins was big mad because Republicans had important places to go today, but all of a sudden mean Jerry Nadler was like "DURRRRRR COME TO WORK!" So rude and unfair.

But you see, they weren't actually supposed to work that late last night, and it was the Republicans who dragged it on and on and on and on and on and on:

A Democratic aide refuted the notion that there was any agreement to have a vote this evening. But behind the scenes sources pointed out how both sides originally agreed to finish by 5 p.m. Thursday – and the GOP changed its mind at the last minute and dragged the hearing out, ruining Democrats' plans. Democrats dished it back, in a way.

Please enjoy these videos of Collins calling the impeachment hearing "bush league" and "words cannot describe" and WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE, and also Louie Gohmert calling it "Stalinesque," because of how they all had to come to work today. They must have had something important on their Friday schedules, like maybe Doug and Louie were going to get a couples massage or something.

Keep reading... Show less
Guns

Court Hears 'What Is Definition Of Machinegun' Case, Everybody Murdered With One Still Dead

But is a part 'designed and intended for use converting a weapon into a machinegun' actually turning it into a machine gun? And how many angels on the head of this pin?

Earlier this week in Cincinnati, lawyers for the Department of Justice and anti-gun-control nonprofit Gun Owners of America sparred over what makes a weapon a machine gun.

Newly manufactured automatic machine guns have been illegal in the United States since 1986. But, until earlier this year, civilians could legally possess devices bump stocks, which allow a user to mimic the firing motion of a fully automatic weapon.

Oddly enough, the Trump administration is on the right side of this one, defending the bump stock ban against challenges from people who care more about guns than gun violence.

On Wednesday, a conservative panel of the conservative Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals heard oral arguments in Gun Owners of America v. Barr, a case challenging the ban on bump stocks. And right now, things aren't looking great for the future of the bump stock ban.

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News

All The President's Lawyers. Wonkagenda For Fri., Dec. 13, 2019

Impeach-a-Palooza, Trade Wars, and Dame Pegginton goes to Iowa. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Trump

The 856,973 Most Perfect Tweets President Stable Genius Sent Today

OR IS IT?

GOTCHA LAST, we are not including any of that dumbfuck's tweets in this post. They are all irrelevant, they are all whiny, but did you know he's sent over 100 of them today? He is really handling this day of impeachment very well! And doing a lot of work in the process, obviously, like a worker bee who works. Politico reports that his tweetstorm started at 6:51 a.m. with a "Fox & Friends" thing, and, well, it's been going all day, with tweets and retweets and more retweets and more tweets and oh my god, that man does not have even one friend.

His tweets include whining, complaining, lying, and also bitching and moaning. Oh yeah, and he attacked Greta Thunberg, a child, because he is SUPER J she got Person Of The Year from TIME. In other words, a typical Trump day, just even more tweety than usual.

Politico notes that Trump broke the number he hit Sunday, which was 105 tweets and retweets. Dunno why people harbor suspicions that the president SNIFF might SNIFF have a habit of SNIFF snorting things.

If you'd like to see the president stabling his genius all over Twitter, you know where it is.

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