(PSSST *Grandma* Wonkette's Pineapple Orange Cranberry Sauce Is Better, Actually)

For years now -- seven at least, suckers -- we have been making Aunt Wonkette's Real Cranberry Business. It's great! (Needs more sugar. Not Oprah-level four damn cups, but one would be nice.) But last year, we did not do that. We wanted pineapple, which we almost always have on hand ever since your comrade Vegan & Peeara or whatever she is named these days told us while we visited her in Charleston that pineapples are symbols of hospitality.

So fuck it, we did it live!

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F*ck It, Let's Eat Pie: The Sarah Josepha Hale Story

As we near the dawn of, well, Trump not being president anymore, the big question on the minds of would-be pundits is "But what are we going to do about the division? America is divided! The only way things can get better is if we're not divided! Maybe a good idea would be to appoint Mitt Romney and John Kasich to key Cabinet positions? What if we all got matching flag pins? How about if we keep saying 'We all want the same things, we just have different ideas about how to get there?' over and over again?"

Well, there is nothing new under the sun, and no one demonstrates that better than Sara Josepha Hale, the lady who wrote "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and is also largely responsible for Thanksgiving being an official holiday.

While the first Thanksgiving did happen in Plymouth, Massachusetts, in 1691, they didn't actually call it that and it didn't become a national holiday until much, much later. It was celebrated regionally in various New England states like Massachusetts, but not really all over the country. Various presidents issued official days of thanks for various reasons, until Thomas Jefferson got all "Ooh, I don't know guys, seems like a violation of church and state to me" about things.

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Celebrate Randy Quaid Day With Crazy Wizard Video You Didn't Know You Needed

Everybody's favorite one-term president had a rough time on the toilet this morning, so he did what every thoroughly defeated wanna-be autocrat has always done in such a situation, he retweeted Randy Quaid about a billion times. The Rat King is very concerned that Republicans aren't listening to the soul of their party, a documented and highly powerful WIZARD:

Now you might remember Randy Quaid from his breakaway hit, Being Arrested In Vermont As A Felony Fugitive (2015, People Of Vermont), but he is actually most famous for being actor Dennis Quaid's older, wiser, more wizardy brother. Hahaha, just kidding, he is REALLY most famous for his sublime representation of Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation 2: Eddie's Island Adventure (2003, NBC), and also Cousin Eddie in Vegas Vacation (1997, Warner Brothers), Cousin Eddie in Vacation (1983, National Lampoon), and Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation 1: The One That Doesn't Suck (1989, Warner Brothers). He was also in a couple other things, playing a drunk ex-pilot version of Cousin Eddie in Independence Day (1996, FOX), and an Amish version of Cousin Eddie in Kingpin (1996, MGM). He also recently starred in a Wonkette Post, What Are Tinfoil Hatters Saying About Coronavirus.

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Emily Murphy To Let Joe Biden Have His Precious Transition If You're All Going To Be SO MEAN ABOUT IT

Can someone get General Services Administrator Emily Murphy a pacifier? And a blanket, and a bottle, and her favorite teddy, and maybe a pudding cup if she promises to stop whining so the country can get some work done?

Yesterday, the government official whose IRL job is to greenlight transition planning finally allowed the process to begin. A mere two weeks after Biden's victory became a mathematical certainty, and just shy of three weeks since the election itself, she's acceded to objective reality and "ascertained" that Biden is the apparent winner. And she did it in a breathtakingly self-indulgent letter in which she praised her own integrity while complaining mightily about having to do her damn job.

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The Wonkette Zoomsgiving Thingie Is Your Only Friend Now

Still better than Parler.

If you don't subscribe to the Wonkette Newsletter, then you are probably unaware that a shadowy cabal of dedicated subversives have been planning a coup. No, I don't mean Giuliani and his brain juice addled press conferences, I mean overthrowing Thanksgiving, and replacing it with an undoubtedly glitchy, chaotic, and possibly disastrous Zoom meeting hosted by me, the Shypixel!

Well, it's true. The War on Christmas has grown boring to this pixel, as it drags on into its 17th year. Limp elven bodies strewn across candy cane ruins no longer fill my tiny orange soul like they used to. No, I require new blood, turkey blood! And what is the best way to ruin Thanksgiving? Besides traveling all over the country and turning the holiday into a Superspreader Event, I mean. Host a Zoom meeting after dinner, of course!

Will there be many technical issues? You betcha! Will shit crash? Almost certainly! Are we going to blindly forge ahead with our first ever hosted Zoom meeting for an entirely unknown number of people? Yes we can! FOUR MORE YEARS!

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Recipe Hub

Put Your Leftovers In Your Stomach, With Spicy Turkey And Squash Soup!

A soup that is at once spicy, and also turkey!

People have gone home. Our memories of a fine dinner with people we care about linger, while the evidence has been scooped into plastic containers and refrigerated. Re-purpose what is left into hot and hearty soup, as fast as you can, before they over-stay their visit and resentment sets in!

Thanksgiving leftover soup is not a recipe that can be measured. This is a soup we prepare by sight and feel which does not require an additional trip to the store. I am taking for granted that most of you had a traditional turkey dinner. If you have not -- my apologies. Your dinner was lovely, no doubt, and I would love to hear about your own leftover soup. For those who did the typical thing, you know that no two soups made from leftovers will taste the same but each design will be familiar, hot and easy to prepare.

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Recipe Hub

Eat This Leftover Stuffing Strata For Every Meal For The Rest Of Your Life Or Until It's Gone

The most delicious way to eat every scrap of those leftovers. Thank us later!

[Editrix's note: I made this last year, and the year before that, and ate it for every meal until all the components were gone. It is absolutely delicious, and I don't even particularly like Thanksgiving food. So have at it, and you're welcome.]

Are your Thanksgiving guests still lingering? Maybe if you feed them a hearty breakfast and tell them the leftovers are all gone, they'll get the fuck out. Regardless, this recipe is an excellent morning-time use of leftover stuffing. Strata is Latin for "breakfast casserole." You can use either term, depending on the level of pretense you like to serve with your food. I like to go for the maximum, especially when it's a dish as simple to prepare as this one.

This one doesn't have any meat, but you may include leftover turkey or any kind of breakfast meat you like (and maybe your leftover stuffing has some kind of meat in it). If you had a ham on Thanksgiving, throw in a handful of ham cubes. If you want sausage or bacon in it, cook them first in a skillet and drain the fat.

You can put this together in the evening and bake it in the morning. Just remember to take it out of the fridge for a little while before you put it in the hot oven. Also remember to remove the plastic wrap before putting it in the oven.

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