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It's The Watergate Break-In Except It's The Reporter Breaking In And Also It's Lies!

If Corey Stewart's story isn't true, may his Confederate ancestors strike him down.

Corey Stewart, the Minnesota transplant to Virginia who's made protecting "Confederate Heritage" a top issue in his campaign for the US Senate, accused a nosy New York Times reporter of breaking into the apartment of one of his aides. It's a terrific accusation, because while there's no evidence at all and the story makes no damn sense, that doesn't matter at all to people who'd vote for Corey Stewart. They already hate the evil media and know those nasty reporters are capable of all the depravity in the world.

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Dana Rohrabacher Smells Like Borscht


Привет, конгрессмен!

Hey, remember that hilarious time when Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy got caught on tape joking that LOL, Donald Trump and Congressman Dana Rohrabacher were totally on Putin's payroll? WaPo got the goods:

"There's two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump," McCarthy (R-Calif.) said, according to a recording of the June 15, 2016 exchange, which was listened to and verified by The Washington Post.

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher is a Californian Republican known in Congress as a fervent defender of Putin and Russia.House Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) immediately interjected, stopping the conversation from further exploring McCarthy's assertion, and swore the Republicans present to secrecy.

It's funny 'cause it's true! ALLEGEDLY. Earlier this month, Congressman Lubyanka Rohrabacher told Fox reporter Elex Michaelson that DNC hack was obviously an inside job.

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Michael Cohen Secretly Taped His Trump Chats About Playboy Playmate Peener Pay-Offs, So That's Fun!

UH OH, looks like Michael Cohen's definitely not willing to take a bullet for Donald Trump in the middle of 5th Avenue any time soon! And it sounds like even before the election he was hedging his bets, because Cohen, who was well-known for taping conversations with Trump's enemies, also apparently liked to tape his conversations with Trump! And the FBI has at least one of them!

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Dan Coats Probably Gonna Get Fired Now, For Being Smarter Than President Dipshit

Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats just keeps making news! He's been making statements about how the lights are "blinking red" on Russian interference in the upcoming midterm elections, and when Donald Trump very publicly made out with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki on Monday, Coats casually released another statement clarifying that "blinking red" means DAMMIT, TRUMP, stop rolling over for Putin and begging for belly scratches! It's clear Coats is in a very "WTF" headspace right now.

Coats showed up Thursday at the Aspen Security Forum for an interview with Andrea Mitchell, only to be greeted onstage with the breaking news that Trump has decided to double down on being a Russian intelligence asset, by inviting Putin over for pizza and gossip sometime later this fall. Just in time for the midterms! This is what it looks like when a member of the Trump administration who is apparently sane hears breaking news about a sudden, irrational decision by President Dipshit McBonkersDick:

Good morning, Dan! You are still in hell!

In fact, Coats addressed how he lives in hell that during the interview:

Sounds like every morning in the Wonkette chatcave.

It was a truly remarkable interview, and Coats gave a solid defense for how he does his job and why he stays, even in the face of a president who undermines the intelligence community at every turn. Coats takes Russian election interference seriously, and he's not scared to call Russian attacks on our democracy by their name, unlike his shithole boss. And he had many other thoughts on many other things!

On Trump's un-chaperoned meeting with Putin:

If he had asked me how that ought to have been conducted, I would have suggested a different way. But that's not my role. That's not my job. So it is what it is.

That's right, he wouldn't have done Helsinki, but well fuck it, the Trump administration didn't ask the DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE.

On how Russia probably put one million "wire tapps" in the room in order to compromise the American president even more than he already is:

That risk is always there.

Did Russia put a "wire tapp" in the soccer ball Putin gave Trump?

LOLOLOLOLOL.

Really, he laughed, then said he assumes they checked the soccer ball for "wire tapps."

And does he even have a clue what happened in that room? Nah. And we don't either! All we know is there were "deals." Like maybe Trump and Putin made a deal for Russia to hack the midterms and then they made a deal to send Michael McFaul to Putin for being a very bad boy and oh who the fuck knows what else.

Here's the full interview, for when you have time, which is right now:

Because this interview was so good and honest, and because Dan Coats is apparently sane and smart, Donald Trump is SOOOOO MAD about it, according to the Washington Post:

Inside the White House, Trump's advisers were in an uproar over Coats's interview in Aspen, Colo. They said the optics were especially damaging, noting that at moments Coats appeared to be laughing at the president, playing to his audience of the intellectual elite in a manner that was sure to infuriate Trump.

"Coats has gone rogue," said one senior White House official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to provide a candid assessment.

Goddamn him for being a smart guy with a sense of humor who can handle himself in a room full of intellectuals! Does he not know how embarrassing this is for President StupidBrain McWordsBad?

Hey remember that time Rex Tillerson said Trump is a fucking moron and now he's gone?

Hey remember that time H.R. McMaster said Trump is fucking moron and now he's gone?

Anyway, according to Axios, people in the White House are now speculating on when Coats will be fired, for being good at his job, which means the only competent people left in the entire Trump administration will be Chris Wray and Rod Rosenstein.

So, if Dan Coats gets fired for being competent and smart and too honest for Donald Trump, who will replace him? Well, we are not saying this is an exclusive scoop or anything, we are just saying we saw it on the internet and CONNECT THE DOTS, MORONS:

Just kidding, Kimberly Guilfoyle is going to some Trump-sucking moron PAC, which means the new DNI is obviously going to be Judge Jeanine Pirro.

We are well and truly fucked.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please help, by making a donation of MONEY.

[Washington Post]

Rampaging Potheads Carve Backwards 'P' On Oklahoma Official's Forehead

Voters in Oklahoma approved a June ballot initiative making medical marijuana legal, and in response, the state's Republican establishment has gone into full Reefer Madness Freakout Mode, certain that if anyone gets a prescription for wacky tobacky, folks will be smoking marijuana in Muskogee, and wearing roman sandals instead of leather boots. Among those getting in on the fun of a full-on political panic was Julie Ezell, the general counsel for the State Department of Health, who resigned last week after it was revealed she'd written threatening emails to herself and claimed they'd been sent by dangerous weed advocates. Ezell was charged Tuesday with making a false police report and generally being a narc in the incident. Authorities are said to be weighing an uptight buzzkill enhancement.

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Science

OW! Endangered Species, You're Hurting Big Oil's Fists With Your Faces!

OW!

In yet another big wet kiss on the lips for land developers, oil and gas interests, ranchers, and anybody who just loves blowing diesel exhaust in the face of bicyclists and Prius drivers, the Trump administration has released an exciting new plan to gut the Endangered Species Act, fulfilling the dreams of Republicans who've been trying to stomp on little woodland creatures ever since it was passed in 1973. Get ready for a huge boom in jobs for the oppressed American worker, corporate profits, and extinctions! Or at least the latter two.

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Russia

OH NO HAXXORS

Republicans could have stopped the cyber war before things got worse, but thank you they'd rather not.

On Thursday, Democratic Rep. Mike Quigley took to the House floor to propose an appropriations amendment that would allot $380 million for election security improvements. Quigley then passed the mic to Democratic whip Steny Hoyer so that he could give a rousing speech encouraging members to take a stand against Russian cyber fuckery. It was so good that it caused people to jump to their feet and start fist pumping to chants of "USA" like drunk dude-bros at a lacrosse game.

USA! USA! USAwww, damn it! The Republicans voted it down because why bother to give the states money when 35 of those states don't fucking care about cyber security? Never mind.

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Post-Racial America

Paul Ryan Wishes Republicans Would Stop Being Nazis. Or Other Way Around.

It's weird because he's kinda racist

Paul Ryan has made a stunning discovery about the Alt-Right that all black people and most not black Americans knew the instant those skinheads from the '90s traded in their steel-toed boots and jagged jean shorts for khakis and tiki torches. Ryan, the hear-no-evil Speaker-no-evil of the House of Representatives, has learned that the alt-right IS RACIST!

Amazingly enough, it wasn't the Tiki Torch Parade of Antisemitism and Jim Crow throwbacks that helped Ryan understand Nazis. Oh no, Paul Ryan came up with this on his own because he noticed that actual Nazis keep running for office as Republicans, which makes Republicans look super racist, and that is just not fair.

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News

Michael Cohen Secretly Taped His Trump Chats About Playboy Playmate Peener Pay-Offs, So That's Fun!

Rudy Giuliani says this clears Trump, so CASE DISMISSED!

UH OH, looks like Michael Cohen's definitely not willing to take a bullet for Donald Trump in the middle of 5th Avenue any time soon! And it sounds like even before the election he was hedging his bets, because Cohen, who was well-known for taping conversations with Trump's enemies, also apparently liked to tape his conversations with Trump! And the FBI has at least one of them!

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Post-Racial America

Sorry, You Have To Bear Witness For The Children Again

Know what's still being done in our name.

Donald Trump's family separation policy just keeps bringing us all sorts of amazements. The administration has less than a week to meet a court-imposed deadline to reunite some 2,600 migrant families, and in the meantime we keep learning more and more about the fine things our government has been up to in the name of protecting the border. Yesterday, Texas Tribune reporter Emma Platoff posted a Twitter thread with excerpts of immigrants' statements in court filings. It reads like the first draft of a history that future Republicans will demand not be mentioned in AP exams, because it really doesn't help that "shining city on a hill" fiction they love so much. It's such a terrific city that its current rulers think they need to destroy any brown people trying to get in.

Here's a 13-year-old girl from Honduras describing part of her time in federal detention.

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Culture

Facebook In Denial About Holocaust Deniers On Facebook

This post might not show up in your newsfeed

Remember how Mark Zuckerberg not-so-secretly thought he could be president, as if somehow he was the only person in America who saw The Social Network? (Zuck, the movie isn't like Wonkette's Facebook page that you screwed over with your weird algorithms.) I think those lofty aspirations officially sputtered and died after Zuckerberg's interview this week with Recode during which he chose to defend Holocaust deniers like they were some key demo in a winning coalition.

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Russia

Dan Coats Probably Gonna Get Fired Now, For Being Smarter Than President Dipshit

Holy shit, this interview!

Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats just keeps making news! He's been making statements about how the lights are "blinking red" on Russian interference in the upcoming midterm elections, and when Donald Trump very publicly made out with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki on Monday, Coats casually released another statement clarifying that "blinking red" means DAMMIT, TRUMP, stop rolling over for Putin and begging for belly scratches! It's clear Coats is in a very "WTF" headspace right now.

Coats showed up Thursday at the Aspen Security Forum for an interview with Andrea Mitchell, only to be greeted onstage with the breaking news that Trump has decided to double down on being a Russian intelligence asset, by inviting Putin over for pizza and gossip sometime later this fall. Just in time for the midterms! This is what it looks like when a member of the Trump administration who is apparently sane hears breaking news about a sudden, irrational decision by President Dipshit McBonkersDick:

Good morning, Dan! You are still in hell!

In fact, Coats addressed how he lives in hell that during the interview:

Sounds like every morning in the Wonkette chatcave.

It was a truly remarkable interview, and Coats gave a solid defense for how he does his job and why he stays, even in the face of a president who undermines the intelligence community at every turn. Coats takes Russian election interference seriously, and he's not scared to call Russian attacks on our democracy by their name, unlike his shithole boss. And he had many other thoughts on many other things!

On Trump's un-chaperoned meeting with Putin:

If he had asked me how that ought to have been conducted, I would have suggested a different way. But that's not my role. That's not my job. So it is what it is.

That's right, he wouldn't have done Helsinki, but well fuck it, the Trump administration didn't ask the DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE.

On how Russia probably put one million "wire tapps" in the room in order to compromise the American president even more than he already is:

That risk is always there.

Did Russia put a "wire tapp" in the soccer ball Putin gave Trump?

LOLOLOLOLOL.

Really, he laughed, then said he assumes they checked the soccer ball for "wire tapps."

And does he even have a clue what happened in that room? Nah. And we don't either! All we know is there were "deals." Like maybe Trump and Putin made a deal for Russia to hack the midterms and then they made a deal to send Michael McFaul to Putin for being a very bad boy and oh who the fuck knows what else.

Here's the full interview, for when you have time, which is right now:

Because this interview was so good and honest, and because Dan Coats is apparently sane and smart, Donald Trump is SOOOOO MAD about it, according to the Washington Post:

Inside the White House, Trump's advisers were in an uproar over Coats's interview in Aspen, Colo. They said the optics were especially damaging, noting that at moments Coats appeared to be laughing at the president, playing to his audience of the intellectual elite in a manner that was sure to infuriate Trump.

"Coats has gone rogue," said one senior White House official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to provide a candid assessment.

Goddamn him for being a smart guy with a sense of humor who can handle himself in a room full of intellectuals! Does he not know how embarrassing this is for President StupidBrain McWordsBad?

Hey remember that time Rex Tillerson said Trump is a fucking moron and now he's gone?

Hey remember that time H.R. McMaster said Trump is fucking moron and now he's gone?

Anyway, according to Axios, people in the White House are now speculating on when Coats will be fired, for being good at his job, which means the only competent people left in the entire Trump administration will be Chris Wray and Rod Rosenstein.

So, if Dan Coats gets fired for being competent and smart and too honest for Donald Trump, who will replace him? Well, we are not saying this is an exclusive scoop or anything, we are just saying we saw it on the internet and CONNECT THE DOTS, MORONS:

Just kidding, Kimberly Guilfoyle is going to some Trump-sucking moron PAC, which means the new DNI is obviously going to be Judge Jeanine Pirro.

We are well and truly fucked.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please help, by making a donation of MONEY.

[Washington Post]

Culture

Mitch McConnell Withdraws Judge Nom For Being TOO RACIST. Is That Even Allowed?

South Carolina Shows Oregon How It's Done

Tim Scott, the Senate's sole black Republican, added some spice to my Thursday when he torpedoed the nomination of Oregon's Ryan Bounds to fill a seat on the Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals. Why? He thought he was just too racist, and if you're too racist for the black Tea Party-endorsed senator from South Carolina, you're too racist to even operate a bad pizza chain.

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Crime

Rampaging Potheads Carve Backwards 'P' On Oklahoma Official's Forehead

And just drew more attention to how the state's decapitating its new medical mj law, whoops :(

Voters in Oklahoma approved a June ballot initiative making medical marijuana legal, and in response, the state's Republican establishment has gone into full Reefer Madness Freakout Mode, certain that if anyone gets a prescription for wacky tobacky, folks will be smoking marijuana in Muskogee, and wearing roman sandals instead of leather boots. Among those getting in on the fun of a full-on political panic was Julie Ezell, the general counsel for the State Department of Health, who resigned last week after it was revealed she'd written threatening emails to herself and claimed they'd been sent by dangerous weed advocates. Ezell was charged Tuesday with making a false police report and generally being a narc in the incident. Authorities are said to be weighing an uptight buzzkill enhancement.

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Russia

Putin And Trump's Secret Deals Are For Putin To Know And Tell The Baby He Agreed To Later

Ukraine, yeah sure fine, whatever

Two days ago, Donald Trump pulled off his stinky diaper, rubbed it into his orange hair, and shouted WHERE'S MUH PARADE? He'd just emerged from a two-hour, closed-door meeting with a former KGB officer, confident that his manly charm and unfailing natural instincts had carried the day again. Putin said he didn't hack the DNC, and why ever not wouldn't Trump just not believe him!

So, what did Trump and Putin discuss when they were mano-a-mano? Only Vladimir Putin's listening device knows! Donald Trump is a stable genius, and geniuses don't take notes!

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Russia

From Russia With Lube

This 'Bond Girl' sent her heart and her boobs to Guccifer 2.

Robbin Young starred in the Roger Moore masterpiece For Your Eyes Only as the seventh female lead, "Girl in Flower Shop." She also starred in a bunch of Playboys, and the DM's of a humble Romanian hacker who stole her heart. But he was not a humble Romanian hacker, he was 12 Russian military intelligence officers in a trench coat. And now Young has shared those DMs and pictures of her buzzies with the Sun, because that's the one that's fookin' classy.

See how she loved! See how Guccifer ghosted her ass! See how she loves him (them) still! See how she was all up in Seth Rich and shit! (We think Young's judgment might not be awesome.) Also she wrote this "erotic poem," and we're going to need you to read it.

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Russia

Trump Guesses He Won't Send Michael McFaul To Putin's Gulag THIS TIME

'UGH' said the president, upon learning he cannot be a full-blown tinpot dictator yet again.

And now it is time for your weekly reminder that in the Trump era, FUCKING APESHIT OUTRAGE WORKS.

On Monday, Donald Trump, the transactional president who for some godforsaken reason sees Vladimir Putin has his one true father, discussed making an Art Of The Deal with Russia that involved letting Robert Mueller interrogate the Russian spies who hacked America in 2016 (with Russian supervision, of course, in Russia) in exchange for sending Putin whichever American citizens hurt Putin's poor fragile butthurt pansy-ass feelings the past several years. One of Putin's targets is Michael McFaul, the former ambassador to Russia, whom Putin just hates. Hillary Clinton isn't on the official list yet, but give it a few weeks.

On Wednesday, Sarah Huckabee Sanders looked at reporters and told them Trump's people were considering the idea, but hadn't decided yet, because it's so hard for the Trump administration to decide how many treasons to do per week.

But hooray! The White House has decided that, after literally every American with a patriotic bone in his or her body said, "THE FUCK YOU SAY," they will not send Americans to Putin's gulag after all. The Washington Post reports:

The White House announced Trump's opposition Thursday as the Senate prepared to vote on a resolution telling the president not to honor Putin's request, which would have exposed former U.S. ambassador Michael McFaul, among others, to Russian questioning.

"It is a proposal that was made in sincerity by President Putin, but President Trump disagrees with it," White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a statement.

Oh my fucking Lord, Shuckabee, did you really type that Putin's offer was "sincere," or did Donald grab the statement after you finished with it and add those words in illiterate Sharpie in the margins, along with "DOES NOT MEAN PUTIN IS NOT MY BEST FRIEND" and "NO COLLUSION"?

By the way, that resolution passed the Senate with flying colors:

WOMP WOMP, Trump! Sorry American freedom and democracy stepped all over your dick again! Guarantee it's gonna happen again! Go fuck yourself! Enjoy the 48 Big Macs you have for dinner tonight! Don't talk directly into the soccer ball Putin gave you, 'less you want it to talk back to you in Russian!

OK post over.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please help, by making a donation of MONEY.

[Washington Post]

Russia

Rand Paul Bernie Sanders Cage Match, GO

Either you agree with Putin or you're demanding thermonuclear war. Duh.

Bernie Sanders offered a little resolution in the US Senate today, calling for his colleagues to back the intelligence community's assessment of Russian fuckery in the 2016 election and also to insist that Donald Trump should actually enact the sanctions against Russia that Congress passed last year. By golly, Senator Rand Paul simply was not going to stand for such crazy warmongering from people who are seething with hatred against Donald Trump, and he blocked the resolution, because why is old Bernie "Nuke 'Em All" Sanders rattling his saber like that?

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National Politics

Oh, Republican Women Are Having A Hard Time These Days, Are They?

The poor dears.

Today in Politico: an article all about how super tough it is being a Republican woman these days, what with the fact that liberal women don't "support" them, and also the men in their own party prefer to vote for men. This bed they made sure is uncomfortable!

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Post-Racial America

Didn't We Recently Tell Kirstjen Nielsen To Go Fuck Herself? WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THE REMIX!

Also? FUCK YOU.

It's gotta suck when you get a new job and there is just SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON! And if you're a member of the Trump administration, you have the added stress of trying to do a crash course on everything you missed while also putting little babies in jail and lying about it! Boy howdy, and we thought our schedule was busy!

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