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Dear Democrats: THIS Is How You Handle A Full-Of-Sh*t Clownshow Liar Like Corey Lewandowski

Tuesday, after one million Democratic congressmen and slightly fewer Republicans had finished volleying back and forth five-minute segments questioning Corey Lewandowski, a piece of shit who behaved so rancidly in his testimony he could have been jailed on the spot, a fight broke out among leadership on the House Judiciary Committee. GOP ranking member Doug Collins was furious furious I SAY I SAY I SAY, FURIOUS that Democrats passed a rules change last week allowing committee staff to question witnesses after members of Congress were finished. He took particular issue with the fact that attorney Barry Berke, who was technically a consultant but who according to committee chair Jerry Nadler fit the definition of "staff," would be allowed 30 minutes to #lawyer Lewandowski. Indeed, every Republican congressman in the room at that moment turned the hearing into an absolute fuckin' clownshow, as they stalled and hurled their own freeze-dried poo at each other. Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz played with a lot of poo, as you'd expect.

The entire tantrum was previewed in this video from Doug Collins, which actually came much earlier in the hearing. We can't transcribe it, because we don't think that's humanly possible, so you'll just have to watch it:

We can now see why Collins and the Republicans were upset about what was about to happen to the witness they were trying to protect.

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Corey Lewandowski And Impeachment Hearings? RIGHT NOW? Someone Should Have Mentioned! A Liveblog.

We don't have time to get into all the details of why Never-Was-A-White-House-Employee Corey Lewandowski will probably be a fucking asshole and refuse to answer questions for the House Judiciary Committee today, but here is the White House telling Lewandowski that he, a private citizen, should not answer Congress's questions about his interactions with Donald Trump, beyond what's in the Mueller Report, based on well-known legal principles White House Counsel Pat Cipollone found inside his asshole:

The White House had already "blocked" Rick Dearborn and Rob Porter from testifying, and until a judge finally smacks down Trump's bullshit claims of "absolute immunity" -- as in, when we get the final ruling on Don McGahn's testimony -- we guess that will be that. But Corey's gonna show up! And act like a fucking clown, obviously.

If you'll remember, Corey Lewandowski is an important star of the Mueller Report because Trump tried to get Lewandowski -- a private citizen -- to help influence Jeff Sessions's handling of the Mueller investigation, which forms one of the key acts of criminal obstruction of justice Trump committed. Also he tried to get Lewandowski to help him fire Sessions. Because that's a thing private citizens do all the time, which is why Wonkette fires Bill Barr all the time, though he refuses to leave.

To quote from Wonkette's liveblog of the Mueller Report:

OK, as obstructive incidents go, the tick-tock that starts on page 90 is HOLYSHITDUMB. Trump calls Corey Lewandowski into the Oval Office on June 19, 2017, says "Corey will you please call the Justice Department and tell Jeff Sessions they're only allowed to investigate Russian election interference OF THE FUTURE?" Because obviously NO COLLUSION, so why would Mueller want to investigate what happened in 2016? So Corey silently told Trump to fuck off and didn't do it. (To be clear, though, he tried. He even set up a meeting with Sessions, and when that didn't work out, he tried to farm the job out to Rick Dearborn. He just didn't try very hard. Still, Corey Lewandowski is a fucking idiot, and also an accessory.)

ONE MONTH LATER, Trump is like "hey Corey, did you relay my very important and normal and smart request to Jeff Sessions?" He had not, but said he would. (He was not going to.)

This is the statement Trump dictated to Corey Lewandowski, of a speech Trump wanted Jeff Sessions to give:

Back to the Wonkette liveblog of the Mueller Report:

[A] month later was when Corey finally gave the notes to Rick [Dearborn], and it was Rick who really was like UM YEAH NO. So he told Corey the situation had been dealt with, when the truth was fuck you.

To be clear, part of this request to Corey and to Rick involved how Jeff Sessions should resign if he's not willing to give the very important and normal speech pasted above, about how Trump is a genius and Robert Mueller should not check the trunk for bodies, we mean investigate Russian interference in the 2016 election.

So basically Trump was trying to get Corey Lewandowski -- who didn't even work for the White House -- to fire Jeff Sessions for him. Did you know that private citizens are allowed to fire the attorney general? We didn't!

Riiiiiiiiight.

All refreshed now? We are!

This is going to be a shitshow, because of course it is. But it's also the first official hearing in the impeachment investigation into Donald Trump with the first fact witness from the Mueller Report. So let's liveblog it!

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Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance Will Take Trump's Tax Returns Now, Because THIS IS NEW YORK, BITCH

States are doin' it for themselves. If the federal courts are going to let Trump stonewall congressional Democrats on the release of his tax returns -- although, for the record, we're still confident that no court in the land is going to let Trump piss on the plain meaning of the statute and defy the Ways and Means Committee -- then New York will step up to the plate.

And so Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance has gotten a grand jury to subpoena eight years of Trump's personal and business tax returns from Mazars USA, the accountants who prepared them. The New York Times first reported the subpoenas, which are part of an investigation into the Trump Organization's reimbursement payments to Michael Cohen for fronting the $130,000 to Stormy Daniels to keep her quiet about her adventures with Mario Kart Yeti Pubes.

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The 'Saudi 9/11' Was Called '9/11,' You Stupid Trump A-Holes

The other day, we mentioned that Brian Hook, Trump's special representative for Iran, might be in the running to be Trump's fourth-but-definitely-not-final national security advisor. Would you like to meet him and hear what he said yesterday about poor Saudi Arabia and the attack on its oil infrastructure that we are all supposed to be weeping and gnashing our breasts about? Is the one thing your Folgers is missing today is RAGE?

Hook was doing a telephone briefing with Congress on Monday night, and he attempted to explain how the Saudis are feeling right now, because if there's one thing you give a fuck about, it's the Saudi royal family's feelings:

Awwwwww, FUCK OFF.

Seriously, there is not enough "go fuck yourself" in the world, both for Brian Hook for sharing the Saudis' feelings in this way, and for the Saudis, who apparently give Trump all his marching orders, including when it's time to bomb some shit in Saudi Arabia's name.

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popular

Ben Shapiro Is Wrong And Stupid About Pronouns, By A Doktor Of Rhetoric

Yes, and about everything else, but we decided to focus on the one thing.

Ben Shapiro, the rightwing thought leader who thinks stupid things, has just about had it with you killjoy liberals and your insane social engineering schemes to turn America into the worst place on Earth. And that's why he's taking a very principled stand against the latest liberal outrage against all that's good and holy: pronouns. Yes, really. Sorry, Ben, you're almost two months behind Peggy Noonan on this one. Not to mention a few years behind much of the rest of America, even universities in the South, where referring to people the way they'd like to be referred to is considered polite to trans people and everyone else, not a sign of coming tyranny. (Everything is tyranny for these guys, except for when they want to lock certain people up forever.)

Still, it's a sin to waste a Ben Shapiro snit, so let us observe Mr. Facts Don't Care About Your Feelings and his mighty, fact-based brain at work:

First off, in this age of deepfakes and other video trickery, we should demand proof that this is actually Ben Shapiro talking all staccato and spitty-like, and not an AI simulation that's been snorting digital Adderall. That's some unnaturally fast bullshit delivery there.

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popular

Get A Load Of Robert O'Brien, Trump's Newest NSA Assh*le

Mediocre? Not when you consider his talent at tonguing Trump's ass!

Can we just cut the shit here? There is no National Security Advisor. It doesn't matter if Trump appoints John Bolton, or Jon Bon Jovi, or whatever sycophantic white dude he's picked out today. Remember when Joe Scarborough asked candidate Trump who his foreign policy advisers were and he said ME CUZ I'M SO GOOD AT DEALZ 'N' STUFF?

I'm speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I've said a lot of things. I know what I'm doing and I listen to a lot of people, I talk to a lot of people and at the appropriate time I'll tell you who the people are. But my primary consultant is myself and I have a good instinct for this stuff.

He meant it! He really does think he knows better than the generals because one time he talked to a waiter at the 21 Club. (That's not even a joke.) He's not listening to ANYBODY. Donald Trump is gonna do whatever crazy shit he's gonna do, and everyone around him will either clap like trained seals, or they'll find themselves tweetfired and humiliating themselves on national television.

Giphy

(Trust the wardrobe guys, Sean, they only have your best interests at heart!)

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News

Shorter CNN: 'Lie To Me, Corey Lewandowski! LIE TO ME, LIE TO ME, LIE TO ME!'

STOP. BOOKING. HIM. GODDAMMIT.

September 17, 2019, in the afternoon: House Judiciary Committee lawyer Barry Berke gets Trump campaign manager/enforcer/dipshit Corey Lewandowski to admit to Congress, multiple times, that he has lied to the media, multiple times. It is like his anti-drug, lying to the media, not that we're saying he would have any use for an anti-drug, allegedly.

September 18, 2019, AKA the very next morning:

WHAT THE FUCK, CNN? WERE YOU BORN YESTERDAY, SOMETIME IN THE HOURS AFTER THE LEWANDOWSKI HEARING IN CONGRESS ENDED?

You know, usually, in a sane world, when you find out a man uses your TV show for nothing more than lying and winning dick-measuring contests with himself, you might say, "Know what? Let's not book that guy anymore." But not CNN, which apparently is rolling around on its back with a doggie boner like "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!" (Yes, we just compared a cable news network to a dog that gets a boner when you lie to it, because that is probably a thing in furry communities, at least. Fuck if we know, don't question our methods.)

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Guns

Holy Hell, This 'Back To School' Ad For The NRA Era

Trigger warnings, in all senses of the term.

The massacre-prevention group Sandy Hook Promise, founded by parents of some of the kids murdered in Newtown, rolled out an absolutely horrifying public service announcement today. The online ad, titled "Back-To-School Essentials," is a dark twist on back-to-school supplies, featuring kids enjoying the nice things their parents got them for school. In the midst of a school shooting.

Content warning: This one is not something you want to watch if the subject is difficult for you. It's not explicitly gory, but includes sounds and visuals of a dramatized school shooting. You might want to skip the next three paragraphs, too. In fact, those of us who do watch it may decide to have a nice big glass of bourbon and lie down on this nice kitchen floor for an hour or two or all day.

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Congress

Kyrsten Sinema Under Attack From Arizona Democrats Who Don't Realize They're In Arizona

Can't we have nice things?

Things are looking good for Democrats in Arizona. Kyrsten Sinema flipped Jeff Flake's former Senate seat last year, and Republican Martha McSally is on track next year to continue her streak of losing Senate races. Elizabeth Warren is even running neck-and-neck with Donald Trump in some state polls. Arizona Democrats should celebrate -- preferably someplace air-conditioned, but instead they want to censure their brand new senior senator.

Dan O'Neal, a leader in the Progressive Caucus, explained the sudden buyer's remorse.

O'NEAL: The Progressive Caucus is very concerned with Kyrsten Sinema's voting record. We love her, as we love all Democrats, but we want her to vote like a Democrat rather than supporting Trump half the time.

FiveThirtyEight confirms that Sinema votes with Trump 54.5 percent of the time, which is far superior to Flake and Meghan McCain's father. They both humped Trump more than 80 percent of the time, but they were "deeply concerned" about it. So fine, let Mark Kelly be the more liberal of Arizona's two Democratic senators. That would suit us just fine.

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lawsplainer

Acting DNI McGuire Is Sh*t Scared Of SOMETHING

And he's willing to violate the law and risk contempt of Congress to keep it hidden.

The Trump administration has issued its daily FUCK YOU to Congress, just as it has done every one of the 970 days since January 20, 2017. Acting Director of National Intelligence (DNI) Joseph McGuire informed the House Intelligence Committee that he intends neither to follow the law nor to produce documents or appear in response to a congressional subpoena. Which is pretty goddamn ballsy, since he's the one personally risking a contempt of Congress charge.

Here's our coverage from Monday, but in a nutshell, the law says that intelligence community whistleblowers can report a "serious or flagrant problem, abuse, violation of law or Executive order, or deficiency relating to the funding, administration, or operation of an intelligence activity within the responsibility and authority of the Director of National Intelligence involving classified information" to the Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG), who then has 14 days to evaluate their complaints. If the ICIG finds a complaint to be both "credible" and "urgent," he forwards it to the DNI, who "shall, within 7 calendar days of such receipt, forward such transmittal to the congressional intelligence committees, together with any comments the Director considers appropriate."

And yet, despite the clear, mandatory "shall" in this statute, the DNI did fuck all to comply with the law when confronted with damning information about a "higher authority" within the Executive Branch. The DNI is a cabinet official, so we're going to guess that a "higher authority" means someone in the White House pretty close to the president. Gambling at Rick's, et cetera.

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Environment

Trump To MAKE CALIFORNIA SMOGGY AGAIN!

Probably outlaw your catalytic converters too.

The Trump administration is expected to announce today that it's revoking California's ability to set tougher fuel efficiency standards than the federal government, because sweet Jesus that man hates California and he really wants to own the libs. The move is part of the administration's wider rollback of any vestige of federal action aimed at curbing greenhouse gas emissions, because Fox News told Donald Trump science is a hoax, and that eliminating Barack Obama's regulations on CO2 will bring American industry roaring back to life. Get ready for a raft of lawsuits, since California's authority to set its own air quality standards was built right into the 1970 Clean Air Act, and has been repeatedly renewed by Congress.

Oh, yes, and the move will add an extra frisson of uncertainty to the auto market, as vehicle makers are already coping with Trump's trade war with China and his repeated threats to impose tariffs on Mexico, both major sources of parts for US automakers. No big, it's only a major economic sector, why should that worry anyone? Blame Democrats for failing to give up their silly obsession with "doing something" about global warming.

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Right Wing Extremism

Super Normal Right-Wing Talk Show Discusses Killing Antifascists In Their Sleep

Because red-flag laws are ... bad? Sure why not.

Last week, Lars Larson, the host of the nationally syndicated right-wing talk show "The Lars Larson Show," brought on a guest by the name of Shane Kohlfield. Kohlfield, a former Marine, made the news late last month after having all of his guns taken away. Why? Because he stood in front of the house of the mayor of Portland and explained, in great detail, his plan to murder all of the anti-fascists in their sleep.

Kohlfield claims that this plan is merely a "nuclear deterrent," just in case Antifa starts going around murdering people, which, as we all know, is the step right after throwing a milkshake at someone's head (there is a joke in there somewhere about The Cherry Sisters). He will probably be waiting a heck of a long time for this to occur, because killing people to achieve political ends is primarily a right-wing thing these days. I could be wrong, but I think the last time an organized Leftist group actually killed anyone in America, a young Patty Hearst was involved. That was a while ago!

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Culture

Help! We Live In A World Where 'Governor Zack Morris' Is An Entirely Plausible Scenario!

Even in our fantasy worlds, we can't get Governor Jessie Spano.

In a move meant to tickle the ever-nostalgic heartstrings of elder millennials like myself, NBC has announced that "Saved By The Bell" will finally be getting its very own long-anticipated reboot. You know, other than "Saved By The Bell: The College Years" and "Saved By The Bell: The New Class" (which, by the way, starred both eternal teenager Bianca Lawson and Sarah Lancaster, who later played Chuck's annoying sister on "Chuck"). Rather than airing on Saturday mornings or literally every afternoon from 4-5 for the next decade, the series will be on NBC's new Peacock streaming service, alongside a reboot of "Punky Brewster" that is making me extremely nervous as a very dedicated fan of "Punky Brewster."

Normally, a reboot of a television series would not exactly be Wonkette territory, but get a load of the description here:

The new Saved By the Bell features Zack Morris as governor of California, and when Governor Morris gets into hot water for closing too many low-income high schools, he proposes they send affected students to the highest performing schools in the state, including Bayside High. The influx of new students gives the privileged Bayside kids a dose of reality.

Ah yes, "Saved By The Bell" is definitely the appropriate vehicle for tackling heavy issues like poverty and busing and caffeine pill addiction. How is this going to even work? These aren't exactly issues that can be handled in the same way one would handle accidentally scheduling two dates on the same night. Whoops! Zack accidentally closed all of the schools that poor kids went to — hijinks ensue!

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News

Dear Democrats: THIS Is How You Handle A Full-Of-Sh*t Clownshow Liar Like Corey Lewandowski

Every hearing from this day forward should star Barry Berke, AT THE BEGINNING, GODDAMMIT.

Tuesday, after one million Democratic congressmen and slightly fewer Republicans had finished volleying back and forth five-minute segments questioning Corey Lewandowski, a piece of shit who behaved so rancidly in his testimony he could have been jailed on the spot, a fight broke out among leadership on the House Judiciary Committee. GOP ranking member Doug Collins was furious furious I SAY I SAY I SAY, FURIOUS that Democrats passed a rules change last week allowing committee staff to question witnesses after members of Congress were finished. He took particular issue with the fact that attorney Barry Berke, who was technically a consultant but who according to committee chair Jerry Nadler fit the definition of "staff," would be allowed 30 minutes to #lawyer Lewandowski. Indeed, every Republican congressman in the room at that moment turned the hearing into an absolute fuckin' clownshow, as they stalled and hurled their own freeze-dried poo at each other. Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz played with a lot of poo, as you'd expect.

The entire tantrum was previewed in this video from Doug Collins, which actually came much earlier in the hearing. We can't transcribe it, because we don't think that's humanly possible, so you'll just have to watch it:

We can now see why Collins and the Republicans were upset about what was about to happen to the witness they were trying to protect.

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Congress

Ayanna Pressley Wants to Impeach Brett Kavanaugh & We're Bringing The Torches & Pitchforks

We're done playing nice with Republicans.

Rep. Ayanna Pressley filed a resolution Tuesday to open an impeachment inquiry into Justice Brett Kavanaugh. A survivor of sexual assault herself, Pressley doesn't believe an alleged attempted rapist belongs on the Supreme Court. There are only nine justices. It's not too much to ask that none of them have any credible rape accusations against them.

PRESSLEY: Sexual predators do not deserve a seat on the nation's highest court and Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation process set a dangerous precedent. We must demand justice for survivors and hold Kavanaugh accountable for his actions.

Elizabeth Warren approves of this plan, but not every Democrat is on board. Jerry Nadler, who chairs the House Judiciary Committee, claims they're too busy never actually impeaching Donald Trump to waste time never actually impeaching Kavanaugh. Republicans would've made this a big talking point with a President Clinton: "OMG, there's just so much crime and corruption! But we'll rack up the overtime ... for America."

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popular

Trump Announces Exciting Plan To Turn Armed Forces Into Whores With Guns

Nobody gets it for free.

So long Semper Fi, hello Show Me the Money. Donald Trump has an exciting new plan to monetize the US military BIGLY. Any idiot could figure out how to goose his hotel bookings by getting on the preferred list for Air Force layovers. It takes a real innovator to turn the entire US Armed Forces into a band of mercenaries for hire. Did you peons think the president was outsourcing American foreign policy to the murderous dictator of Saudi Arabia when he said we were "waiting to hear from the Kingdom as to who they believe was the cause of this attack, and under what terms we would proceed"?

HA! That was Arty McDeals working his magic. He's playing hardball, refusing to fully commit to blaming Iran for this weekend's massive attack on a Saudi oil facility -- or as the US Special Representative for Iran put it, "their 9/11." YES, FOR REAL.

And leaving aside that nauseating irony, Donald Trump's response to that "tragedy" is to tell Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad that he needs to start ponying up some cash pronto. Just how no one on earth did when the US was attacked on 9/11. But that was when we had a president who was merely terrible. Today it's all about the Benjamins, baby, and we're not bombing anyone without gettin' paid.

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Trump

Donald Trump Wants The Hispanics To Vote For Him, Even The Ones Who Look Norwegian

He loves his Hispanics!

Donald Trump traveled to New Mexico Monday night to do a campaign rally in the Albuquerque suburb of Rio Rancho, in hopes of maybe flipping the state where he lost by eight points in 2016. In among the usual stew of lies, Trump offered his own unique pitch to the Latinx voters of the Land of Enchantment: He just LOVES the Hispanics, and they love him! Even the ones who look like white people, such as CNN commentator Steve Cortes, a member of the Trump campaign's Hispanic Advisory Council.

"He happens to be Hispanic, but I never quite figured it out because he looks more like a WASP than I do," Trump said, which is a true statement because Donald Trump looks more like a mutant Oompa Loompa than a WASP.

Then, to top that, Trump asked Cortes if his ethnicity ever got in the way of his Americanism, because "America" and "The Hispanics" are wholly exclusive categories. Then Trump made his own very funny joke!

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popular

Liar, Liar. Wonkagenda For Wednesday, Sept., 18, 2019

Lewandowski's farce, red state worries, and new polls. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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2020 presidential election

Elizabeth Warren Is Not Afraid

Are you, punk?

Monday was a pretty big day for Elizabeth Warren! She was endorsed by the Working Families Party, which in 2016 had given its endorsement to Bernie Sanders; she released her plan to crack down on corruption in politics; and she gave a big speech in New York City's Washington Square Park, attended by roughly 20,000 people, according to her campaign. (The New York Times punctiliously notes "that estimate could not be independently verified.")

It was a pretty good speech! (In case the copied-from-C-SPAN version below gets pulled, her campaign has a version on the YouTubes, too, but you have to turn the audio way up to hear it.)

Senator Elizabeth Warren Speech in Washington Square Park youtu.be

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News

Corey Lewandowski And Impeachment Hearings? RIGHT NOW? Someone Should Have Mentioned! A Liveblog.

He's gonna act like the fucking clown he is.

We don't have time to get into all the details of why Never-Was-A-White-House-Employee Corey Lewandowski will probably be a fucking asshole and refuse to answer questions for the House Judiciary Committee today, but here is the White House telling Lewandowski that he, a private citizen, should not answer Congress's questions about his interactions with Donald Trump, beyond what's in the Mueller Report, based on well-known legal principles White House Counsel Pat Cipollone found inside his asshole:

The White House had already "blocked" Rick Dearborn and Rob Porter from testifying, and until a judge finally smacks down Trump's bullshit claims of "absolute immunity" -- as in, when we get the final ruling on Don McGahn's testimony -- we guess that will be that. But Corey's gonna show up! And act like a fucking clown, obviously.

If you'll remember, Corey Lewandowski is an important star of the Mueller Report because Trump tried to get Lewandowski -- a private citizen -- to help influence Jeff Sessions's handling of the Mueller investigation, which forms one of the key acts of criminal obstruction of justice Trump committed. Also he tried to get Lewandowski to help him fire Sessions. Because that's a thing private citizens do all the time, which is why Wonkette fires Bill Barr all the time, though he refuses to leave.

To quote from Wonkette's liveblog of the Mueller Report:

OK, as obstructive incidents go, the tick-tock that starts on page 90 is HOLYSHITDUMB. Trump calls Corey Lewandowski into the Oval Office on June 19, 2017, says "Corey will you please call the Justice Department and tell Jeff Sessions they're only allowed to investigate Russian election interference OF THE FUTURE?" Because obviously NO COLLUSION, so why would Mueller want to investigate what happened in 2016? So Corey silently told Trump to fuck off and didn't do it. (To be clear, though, he tried. He even set up a meeting with Sessions, and when that didn't work out, he tried to farm the job out to Rick Dearborn. He just didn't try very hard. Still, Corey Lewandowski is a fucking idiot, and also an accessory.)

ONE MONTH LATER, Trump is like "hey Corey, did you relay my very important and normal and smart request to Jeff Sessions?" He had not, but said he would. (He was not going to.)

This is the statement Trump dictated to Corey Lewandowski, of a speech Trump wanted Jeff Sessions to give:

Back to the Wonkette liveblog of the Mueller Report:

[A] month later was when Corey finally gave the notes to Rick [Dearborn], and it was Rick who really was like UM YEAH NO. So he told Corey the situation had been dealt with, when the truth was fuck you.

To be clear, part of this request to Corey and to Rick involved how Jeff Sessions should resign if he's not willing to give the very important and normal speech pasted above, about how Trump is a genius and Robert Mueller should not check the trunk for bodies, we mean investigate Russian interference in the 2016 election.

So basically Trump was trying to get Corey Lewandowski -- who didn't even work for the White House -- to fire Jeff Sessions for him. Did you know that private citizens are allowed to fire the attorney general? We didn't!

Riiiiiiiiight.

All refreshed now? We are!

This is going to be a shitshow, because of course it is. But it's also the first official hearing in the impeachment investigation into Donald Trump with the first fact witness from the Mueller Report. So let's liveblog it!

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