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Tonight We're Gonna Party Like It's Nice Things Ninety-Nine

Happy Sunday to you all! We hope you're holding up OK and staying safe; it's incredible to me that in all the stuff going on, my home state had a literal 6.5 magnitude earthquake Tuesday and somehow that was just a one-day story, though that's mostly due to the fact that it was in a remote area, and there was no serious damage or injuries. Also, no, it's not connected to the Yellowstone supervolcano or fracking. But that was a pretty interesting 15 seconds here in Boise.

And now, let us get on with the Nice Things!

Stuff To Read!

The New York Times has a pretty cool story on the medical illustrators who created the iconic image of the SARS-CoV-2 virus -- that spiky ball I've been photoshopping into all the pictures of Donald Trump. Alissa Eckert and Dan Higgins

were asked to create "an identity" for the virus. "Something to grab the public's attention," she said. Ms. Eckert expected that whatever they came up with might appear on a few cable news programs, as their creations had in the past.

Instead, as the pandemic spread and intensified, their rendering's reach did, too. "It started popping up around the world," she said.

Eckert also created an illustration of "a cluster of Neisseria gonorrhoeae, the bacteria that cause gonorrhea," for a 2019 report on antibiotic-resistant bugs. The Times says,

In her portrayal, the bacteria float like jellyfish, their tentacle-like pili intertwined. The aim was to "make them look like they're really alive," she said, "so you know to be aware of them."

True enough. But the Times was too polite to say the image also makes our inner 12-year-old say, wow, they LOOK LIKE NARDS!

Beyond our puerile smirking, the article is a really nice look at a professional who brings the tools of art to scientific communication — the kind of "how they do it" stuff I'm a complete sucker for.

Also pretty cool is this interview at Electric Literature with science fiction writer Ted Chiang, who helps explain what kind of disaster novel we're living in right now:

While there has been plenty of fiction written about pandemics, I think the biggest difference between those scenarios and our reality is how poorly our government has handled it. If your goal is to dramatize the threat posed by an unknown virus, there's no advantage in depicting the officials responding as incompetent, because that minimizes the threat; it leads the reader to conclude that the virus wouldn't be dangerous if competent people were on the job. A pandemic story like that would be similar to what's known as an "idiot plot," a plot that would be resolved very quickly if your protagonist weren't an idiot. What we're living through is only partly a disaster novel; it's also—and perhaps mostly—a grotesque political satire.

Idiot plot. That sounds about right.

Update On Our Invasion Of The Slog's Book Club

This scene's much funnier with John Cleese and Eric Idle

Kids, I really let you down last week: Tuesday, we were gonna invade The Slog's Quarantine Club, which is discussing Albert Camus's The Plague, but right around the time their discussion of Part Three of the novel went up, Boise went and had a earthquake and I was kind of useless for the rest of the evening. And I just couldn't kick myself in the pants to go say anything about that section of the novel the rest of the week, either. (It's probably the most depressing part, which didn't help, either.) But I was happy to see that at least one Wonkette reader did show up to add their two cents, and it was a good comment, too.

So, in the spirit of Boxer the horse, I Will Work Harder, and this Tuesday, April 7, when the discussion of Part Four of the book goes up, I will be there. So hey, let's try this again and see how it goes, shall we? To get a sense of where their discussion has been, supplement your reading with their discussions of Part One, Part Two, and Part Three of the novel, and we'll be all ready to go when the post on Part Four goes up, in the late afternoon. Bring cakes we like!

The reading schedule for the rest of the book is:

  • Part Four: Tuesday, April 7
  • Part Five: Tuesday, April 14
And if Camus's story of living through the end of a world is too dark for your tastes, we promise to glom on to the next book the Slog tackles, too!

Bring On The Twitter Stuff, Will Ya Dok?

OK! I shall.As you might expect, the usual cute animals were supplemented by bored humans at home this week. Like Patti LuPone, who knows how to do April 1 right: not so much a prank as just flat out fabulousness.


Stupid Human Tricks! Don't try this at home. Unless you record it.

Some people use their quarantine for crafts. Others are members of my karass.


Echidna pals!


Well yes, I had to follow this account, of course I did:

Pareidolia, it'll troll ya.




The Pairi Daiza zoo in Domaine du Cambron, Belgium, has a family of Asian small-clawed otters living along the little stream that flows through its orangutan enclosure. It's part of the zoo's goal of keeping the great apes "entertained, occupied, challenged and kept busy mentally, emotionally and physically at all times," as a zoo spokesperson put it. The otters and the orangs seem to like the arrangement.


Plus, it's a heck of a good setup for a D&D joke from fantasy/horror writer Sam Sykes, who you should of course follow.

"Fine, I cast detect canned clams"

"YOU MONSTER."


You may have heard about the goats that have taken over that town in Wales now that there's practically no traffic. They're ready to rumble with the 5 to 6 feral hogs in Italy that have done likewise.


I've told you before you should follow Dick King-Smith, who wrote the story that became the movie Babe. Here's another reminder.

Alternate take:

King-Smith elicits the nicest replies, too!

The Atlantic' s Adam Serwer isn't just one of the sharpest political writers out there, he also has kitties and a baby.

This may well be the platonic ideal of baby pictures. The bright eyes. The knowing half-smile. The arm chubs. The polite hands. The curled toesies.



Blanket cats. I especially like Elsie's discovery of the obvious culprit: her tail.

Tough but accurate:

Yes, I still like the AI-generated cat pics, and no, I will not stop posting them.

Historian Kevin Gannon's doggos will get us all through this.


Ahem. Puppy Yoshi. I repeat, puppy Yoshi:

Foster fails (where you end up keeping the animal you were only going to have for a short while) are the BEST fails.




Stay home, be safe, wash your hands, don't wash your cats' hands, and have a good Sunday!

[NYT / Electric Lit / CNN / Guardian]

Jared Kushner MBAsplains Coronavirus To America's Governors. Guess We're All Gonna Die.

"The notion of the federal stockpile was it's supposed to be our stockpile," Jared Kushner said during yesterday's coronavirus MAGA rally. "It's not supposed to be states' stockpiles that they then use."

"WHO THE FUCK IS 'OUR'?" screamed America in unison. If it doesn't belong to the states, is the stockpile the property of DC, Guam, and Puerto Rico? Or does Jared think he and Vanky own the nation's stash of medical supplies and can dole them out as they see fit?

That's a joke, because, DUH, of course he does.

"The Strategic National Stockpile is the nation's largest supply of life-saving pharmaceuticals and medical supplies for use in a public health emergency severe enough to cause local supplies to run out," according to its website. "When state, local, tribal, and territorial responders request federal assistance to support their response efforts, the stockpile assures that the right medicines and supplies get to those who need them most during an emergency."

Oh, whoops! Looks like that's not the case anymore. Since Jared's star performance at yesterday's presser, that language has been removed from the web. Now it says that the president owns those ventilators and masks and can hand them out to red states that might vote for him in November, because, HELLO! read your Constitution, people!

Keep reading... Show less

Navy Captain Booted For Caring More About 4,000 Sailors' Lives Than About Trump's Sad F*cking Ego

You knew it was coming, even though the Navy's top officer, Admiral Michael Gilday, said on Wednesday that they certainly were not going to "shoot the messenger."

For some reason, US Navy Captain Brett Crozier felt the need to take a bold step to protect the 4,000 sailors on the USS Theodore Roosevelt aircraft carrier, the site of the US military's largest coronavirus outbreak (so far). So he wrote a four-page letter up the chain of command that might as well have said, "Hey, just do what I am fucking saying right now! Evacuate the ship! Ever tried to social distance on an aircraft carrier? IT IS NOT A THING. You don't even have to make a plan, because I made it for you! Fucking do it fucking do it fucking do it!" And that letter somehow made it to the San Francisco Chronicle, and PRESTO CHANGE-O, the Trump Navy finally said it would do what Crozier was saying, to protect those 4,000 sailors.

Shame works. But in the Trump administration, whistleblowers must be punished, for exposing the incompetence and/or criminality of the Trump administration, so they relieved Crozier of his command, because of course they did. Because he was trying to save his sailors' lives, which is fine according to the (acting) secretary of the Navy, except for he tried to save their lives the wrong way.

We need to point out something right now: We don't have a confirmed secretary of the Navy, because Trump fired that guy for refusing to follow an illegal order. Just feel like this news should be viewed through that lens.

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Wonkette Announces Reader Aid Slush Fund NOT Overseen By Donald Trump

Friends, Wonkers, Terrible Ones, slush up our fund!

I am getting more and more worried about our friends (NOT US, WE'RE FINE, WE'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE'RE NOT) who are alone and just got (more) broke, and don't have any idea what to do about their rents and bills.

Because we are liberals and we solve problems by throwing money at them (AND WASHING OUR HANDS and STAY THE FUCK HOME), and we all want to help but didn't quite know how, we've decided to gofundme up a Wonkette Nation Slush Fund for YOU to donate to and US to distribute (possibly to you).

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Self-care

Let's Do MORE Shopping At Our Readers' Stores!

Also this is your open thread!

Hello! And welcome to DAY 2 of our weekend "shopping spree" at the online stores of Wonkette readers! Yep! There are so many of you with great shops that we had to split it into two days. I still can't order anything until I'm not stuck in Florida anymore (don't worry, we're OK), but as soon as I'm out, I fully plan on going broke buying the cool stuff you guys make.

So if you're looking for a way to help your fellow Wonkette fans and also get some really cool stuff, check out some of these shops! Because honestly, we all deserve presents right now.

Second-Hand Rad Vintage

I have honestly never seen a coffee cup like this before! Was this a thing at one time? Anyway, I am super klutzy and routinely knock things over, so it seems like a pretty good investment. Plus, Garfield.

Vintage Garfield Red Sports Car No-Spill Coffee Mug, $15

Hot Chocolate Balls

Some people only drink hot chocolate in the winter. I say those people are FOOLS. I drink it pretty much every day, though I don't have any fancy stuff like this. Just the regular old Swiss Miss. However, I do totally want to try these, the Aztec ones in particular, because they're chocolate and cinnamon flavored and that is my jam.

Aztec Hot Chocolate Balls, $18

Curry Cuts

This reader makes indie rock cover song compilations, available for download or on CD. They all seem pretty nifty, but I would have to go with the Bond movie song compilation — not because I have ever seen a Bond movie, but because I feel very importantly about Shirley Bassey.

Songs, Bond Songs: The Music of 007, $15

Chris Gwaltney

This is so pretty! I dig it!

Chapter 3, page 65

Stranded by Gwyn

I am always on the lookout for awesome, unique, big earrings and there are a TON of them here. And they're super well priced! No joke, as soon as I am able to get packages, I will be purchasing a ton of them because seriously $19 for handmade earrings is bonkers.

Southwestern Enamel and Crystal Earrings, $19

Erin Johnson Photography

So many pretty pictures it's hard to choose! But hey, I gotta stay on brand and go with the gondolas.

Gondolas In Black And White, $32

Rrruffler

I don't have a dog, but my parents do and he, like all dogs, obviously needs a tuxedo.

Tuxedo, $19.99

Frenchie's Soups by Frenchie Renard

You know what goes great with all of that sourdough you've been baking? SOUP!

$20

Art Stuff 1951

So much cool vintage surf stuff and Hawaiiana here! My fave is this book called THE SEX SURFERS. Are they surfers who have sex? Are they surfers who have sex while surfing? Is that a thing? What is it that they are doing on the cover? Having sex while surfing blindfolded? I must know more!

The Sex Surfers. $22

Anchorhold

Ahh! Look at the cute jellyfish!

Amigurumi jellyfish, $15

Knitgrrl Studio

OOH! So many knitting patterns and knitting books! I am generally a crocheter because I lack patience, but I go both ways and would very much like to be better at knitting. So far I've only ever knit extremely basic scarves. Maybe the pandemic will be what finally pushes me to attempt something more exciting?

But, perhaps because I grew up reading Sassy and thus love projects involving making things out of other things, my first purchase here is gonna have to be this $1 book with a bunch of cool alteration ideas.

Alter Nation, $1

Monet In The Attic

This is our very own Jamie's Etsy page, where she sells antique cameras and all kinds of other cool stuff — like this amazing shoe candle with a boat on it that we are going to have to figure out a way for me to buy because it is perfect and I love it so much.

Vintage Dee Bee Company Porcelain Shoe Kerosene Candle, $49.99

Miss Translated: A Benefit for the New Sanctuary Coalition by Elisa Catrina Chavez

Here's something to do while you're sheltering in place! Read some poetry! Proceeds from this pay-what-you-can chapbook go to the immigrant advocacy org run by the author's mother.

"You Set The Price"

Pinky and Da Gang

Toys for your pets and jewelry for you! Catnip crinkle pads are great and the only actual "cat toy" that my beloved Mr. Catface (RIP) was ever into, as he usually preferred straws and milk caps. I've been meaning to get one for Loretta, the new cat in my life for a while now! So yay!

Catnip Crinkle Pad, $21.50

GardenFundMe

So many pretty drawings of flowers!

$30-$45 each

2nd City Knits

Are you looking to be the most fashionable person at your next D&D game? Then maybe you need a fancy bag for your dice!

Knitted Dice Bag, $13

Neighborhood Comics

COVID-19 hit comic book shops especially hard. Diamond Comics Distributers suspended deliver of new comics as of April 1. Neighborhood Comics in Savannah, Georgia, is Wonkette's Stephen Robinson's favorite comics retailer and he's kept his 6 year old (and himself) from going stir crazy in quarantine with regular delivery of comic book care packages and toys. (SER has almost finished reading his son the entire run of New Teen Titans and his son will need more comics as this shutdown continues.)

Go shop your online hearts out! You can buy classic comics, gift cards for quarantined birthday celebrations, and even fun board games for when you eventually run out of Netflix shows to binge.

Neighborhood Comics owner Lee Heidel releases regular fun videos (filmed an appropriate six feet away) that reminds us of more pleasant times. His latest special guest star can violate social distancing guidelines because of the magic of puppetry.

Whelp! That's it for now! It's open thread time!

Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us! Also if you are buying stuff on Amazon, click this link!

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Nice Time

Tonight We're Gonna Party Like It's Nice Things Ninety-Nine

Also a couple things to read.

Happy Sunday to you all! We hope you're holding up OK and staying safe; it's incredible to me that in all the stuff going on, my home state had a literal 6.5 magnitude earthquake Tuesday and somehow that was just a one-day story, though that's mostly due to the fact that it was in a remote area, and there was no serious damage or injuries. Also, no, it's not connected to the Yellowstone supervolcano or fracking. But that was a pretty interesting 15 seconds here in Boise.

And now, let us get on with the Nice Things!

Stuff To Read!

The New York Times has a pretty cool story on the medical illustrators who created the iconic image of the SARS-CoV-2 virus -- that spiky ball I've been photoshopping into all the pictures of Donald Trump. Alissa Eckert and Dan Higgins

were asked to create "an identity" for the virus. "Something to grab the public's attention," she said. Ms. Eckert expected that whatever they came up with might appear on a few cable news programs, as their creations had in the past.

Instead, as the pandemic spread and intensified, their rendering's reach did, too. "It started popping up around the world," she said.

Eckert also created an illustration of "a cluster of Neisseria gonorrhoeae, the bacteria that cause gonorrhea," for a 2019 report on antibiotic-resistant bugs. The Times says,

In her portrayal, the bacteria float like jellyfish, their tentacle-like pili intertwined. The aim was to "make them look like they're really alive," she said, "so you know to be aware of them."

True enough. But the Times was too polite to say the image also makes our inner 12-year-old say, wow, they LOOK LIKE NARDS!

Beyond our puerile smirking, the article is a really nice look at a professional who brings the tools of art to scientific communication — the kind of "how they do it" stuff I'm a complete sucker for.

Also pretty cool is this interview at Electric Literature with science fiction writer Ted Chiang, who helps explain what kind of disaster novel we're living in right now:

While there has been plenty of fiction written about pandemics, I think the biggest difference between those scenarios and our reality is how poorly our government has handled it. If your goal is to dramatize the threat posed by an unknown virus, there's no advantage in depicting the officials responding as incompetent, because that minimizes the threat; it leads the reader to conclude that the virus wouldn't be dangerous if competent people were on the job. A pandemic story like that would be similar to what's known as an "idiot plot," a plot that would be resolved very quickly if your protagonist weren't an idiot. What we're living through is only partly a disaster novel; it's also—and perhaps mostly—a grotesque political satire.

Idiot plot. That sounds about right.

Update On Our Invasion Of The Slog's Book Club

This scene's much funnier with John Cleese and Eric Idle

Kids, I really let you down last week: Tuesday, we were gonna invade The Slog's Quarantine Club, which is discussing Albert Camus's The Plague, but right around the time their discussion of Part Three of the novel went up, Boise went and had a earthquake and I was kind of useless for the rest of the evening. And I just couldn't kick myself in the pants to go say anything about that section of the novel the rest of the week, either. (It's probably the most depressing part, which didn't help, either.) But I was happy to see that at least one Wonkette reader did show up to add their two cents, and it was a good comment, too.

So, in the spirit of Boxer the horse, I Will Work Harder, and this Tuesday, April 7, when the discussion of Part Four of the book goes up, I will be there. So hey, let's try this again and see how it goes, shall we? To get a sense of where their discussion has been, supplement your reading with their discussions of Part One, Part Two, and Part Three of the novel, and we'll be all ready to go when the post on Part Four goes up, in the late afternoon. Bring cakes we like!

The reading schedule for the rest of the book is:

  • Part Four: Tuesday, April 7
  • Part Five: Tuesday, April 14
And if Camus's story of living through the end of a world is too dark for your tastes, we promise to glom on to the next book the Slog tackles, too!

Bring On The Twitter Stuff, Will Ya Dok?

OK! I shall.As you might expect, the usual cute animals were supplemented by bored humans at home this week. Like Patti LuPone, who knows how to do April 1 right: not so much a prank as just flat out fabulousness.


Stupid Human Tricks! Don't try this at home. Unless you record it.

Some people use their quarantine for crafts. Others are members of my karass.


Echidna pals!


Well yes, I had to follow this account, of course I did:

Pareidolia, it'll troll ya.




The Pairi Daiza zoo in Domaine du Cambron, Belgium, has a family of Asian small-clawed otters living along the little stream that flows through its orangutan enclosure. It's part of the zoo's goal of keeping the great apes "entertained, occupied, challenged and kept busy mentally, emotionally and physically at all times," as a zoo spokesperson put it. The otters and the orangs seem to like the arrangement.


Plus, it's a heck of a good setup for a D&D joke from fantasy/horror writer Sam Sykes, who you should of course follow.

"Fine, I cast detect canned clams"

"YOU MONSTER."


You may have heard about the goats that have taken over that town in Wales now that there's practically no traffic. They're ready to rumble with the 5 to 6 feral hogs in Italy that have done likewise.


I've told you before you should follow Dick King-Smith, who wrote the story that became the movie Babe. Here's another reminder.

Alternate take:

King-Smith elicits the nicest replies, too!

The Atlantic' s Adam Serwer isn't just one of the sharpest political writers out there, he also has kitties and a baby.

This may well be the platonic ideal of baby pictures. The bright eyes. The knowing half-smile. The arm chubs. The polite hands. The curled toesies.



Blanket cats. I especially like Elsie's discovery of the obvious culprit: her tail.

Tough but accurate:

Yes, I still like the AI-generated cat pics, and no, I will not stop posting them.

Historian Kevin Gannon's doggos will get us all through this.


Ahem. Puppy Yoshi. I repeat, puppy Yoshi:

Foster fails (where you end up keeping the animal you were only going to have for a short while) are the BEST fails.




Stay home, be safe, wash your hands, don't wash your cats' hands, and have a good Sunday!

[NYT / Electric Lit / CNN / Guardian]

coronavirus

Yes, Gov. McMaster, South Carolina Is ‘Unique’ But Everyone Still Needs To Stay The F**K Home

First to secede, last to shelter in place isn’t the best bumper sticker.

South Carolina is where I was born and raised, but don't hold that against the otherwise charming state. Please also don't be the kind of liberal who trash-talks South Carolina as full of backwards rednecks and klansmen who somehow deserve their fate. My family, who is black, lives there. A lot of black people live in South Carolina, as Bernie Sanders, Pete Buttigieg, and Amy Klobuchar apparently discovered the day before the state's Democratic primary. I also grew up with a lot of so-called “rednecks," who are often grossly called “trailer trash" because many self-proclaimed liberals still hate poor people. Yeah, some of those folks were racist and unpleasant, but so were a lot of the country club bigots I met outside the South. There are a lot of really great people of all races and income levels in my home state, and they are currently at the mercy of idiots.

Despite COVID-19 getting its General Sherman on throughout the southeast, South Carolina is the only state that doesn't have a stay-at-home order in place, which is strange because it was the first Southern state to issue a stay-at-home order for its enslaved residents before the Civil War. Gov. Henry McMaster argues that the state is “unique," and I agree. That's why I don't want everyone choking to death in the streets like in The Omega Man.

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Self-care

Let's Go Shopping At YOUR Online Shops!

Also this is your open thread.

This week, because we all want to support each other during this time as much as we can, Rebecca asked you guys to send her links to your online shops — and boy did you deliver! While she linked to the shops in tabs, we decided it was worth it to do a whole post featuring some of the great items you guys are selling. Of course, there are a ton of them, so I'm doing about half today and half tomorrow. Damn you all for being so creative.

I gotta tell you, this is very dangerous for me. Frankly, the only reason I am even allowing myself on Etsy or any other site right now is that I am in no position to have things shipped to me at the moment (I am still in Florida but we have a flight out of here next week.). Otherwise, I would be spending a stupid amount of money on weird shit to glue onto my nails and clothing from Bulgaria. That is actually not a joke! I regularly spend hours poring through Bulgarian Etsy shops and have bought most of my favorite things from them. (HOT TIP: this coat is the single greatest purchase of my life. I have had it for like five years and it is still my favorite thing.)

But I digress! Let's take a look at some of the super cool Etsy shops run by YOU, and also the things I would buy from them!

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Impeachment

Trump Firing Intelligence IG For Doing His Job? Sure, Why Not?

It's just the way things are now.

Late Friday night, among a slew of other announcements, Donald Trump announced that he would be firing intelligence community inspector general Michael Atkinson, whose decision to tell lawmakers about a whistleblower's assertions about Trump's dealings with Ukraine resulted in Trump getting impeached. Of course, as an independent watchdog, this was literally an example of Atkinson doing his actual job, but the Trump administration has always been much bigger on loyalty than on people doing their actual jobs.

In a letter, Trump (or someone writing for him, as is more likely the case) explained that he needs to have the "fullest confidence" in his inspectors general, and that as long as he has the power to fire those he does not have "confidence" in, he will do so.

Via New York Times:

"As is the case with regard to other positions where I, as president, have the power of appointment, by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, it is vital that I have the fullest confidence in the appointees serving as inspectors general," Mr. Trump wrote. "That is no longer the case with regard to this inspector general."

The president has long discussed his desire to fire several inspectors general, and he has been talking to aides about his desire to oust Mr. Atkinson since last fall, tarring the inspector general as disloyal because he sought to share information with Congress about the president's efforts to pressure Ukraine into delivering him personal political benefits.

Mr. Atkinson's fate was sealed after the trial on impeachment charges ended, said one Trump administration official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss a delicate matter.


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coronavirus

Republican Governors Explain, Poorly, Why They Are Being Coronavirus Idiots

Stop. Just stop.

In a perfect world, there would be no partisan divide on a thing like coronavirus. We would all just listen to the experts, do what we were supposed to do, everyone would stay the fuck at home, and we would get over this together. Also, in a perfect world, or in any other country, we'd all have health care, paid sick leave and "just cause' terminations instead of at-will employment, which would make doing those things a whole lot easier for all of us.

But we do not live in a perfect world, we live in the United States. As such, not only do we have slews of private citizens insisting on being stupid, we also have elected officials who — either due to needing to appeal to their stupid constituents in order to keep their jobs, or being not too swift themselves — insist upon being stupid as well. Many of these are governors of entire states, willing to put those states at risk, on the off chance that being stupid will not work out as poorly as it very likely will.

Right now, there are 8 governors still holding out on issuing stay-at-home orders. They are all, unsurprisingly, Republicans who are more than willing to share their very bad "reasons' for not doing that.

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Weekly Top Ten

Is Wonkette's Weekly Top 10 WORKING HARD, Or HARDLY WORKING?

It is the first one, duh obvs.

Hello! Welcome to Saturday if you did not know it was Saturday, and why would you? We hope you're keeping safe, and as always, if you need a hand, email me at rebecca at wonkette dot com, and let us know what we can do for you. That includes cash money, if you need it! Or if you need an ear, like our Wonk pal whose husband, a contractor, could not get home from the Middle East and then this week HE GOT HOME FROM THE MIDDLE EAST!!!1! oh where was this sentence going, RIGHT, if you need an ear, I GOT TWO OF EM.

Oh, she wrote such a beautiful letter, keening with hope and grief, and NOW SHE IS BETTER! How happy I am!

Now, as we do around these parts on Saturdays (really I am typing on Friday night, and if it is Saturday, which it is, I am off for the day except for bookkeeping and thank you notes, and just Robyn is in charge and mining away in the wonk mines for terrible stories to delight and outrage you), we count down the TOP 10 WONKETTE STORIES OF THE WEEK! We do this so you will have something to comment near, actually. Did you know in the Before Days Wonkette didn't exist on weekends? That is a true thing I just remembered.

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Fuckin' A It's Not That Hard!

Prancercise In The Time Of Coronavirus

MOVE YOUR ASS.

Coronavirus is trying to fuck with my looks, and that is not cool.

I'm not just being vain just being vain, but I have to tell you something. After the election of Donald Trump, with the added stress of that, and with the sedentary nature of this job, and also with my own unhealthy choices, I gained some WEIGHT. Enough that I ended up with high blood pressure and was just generally #fat and #malaise. So I got on BookFace and scored multiple referrals to the celebrity doctor for celebrities here in town, and he's been kicking my ass and helping me fix it ever since. To date, I've hired a personal trainer, lost 40 pounds, gained a shit ton of muscle, and I am wearing clothes I have not worn since I was a young twinky gay boy who needed to eat a sandwich. Also my blood pressure is perfect.

And I've done this in the most boring-ass disappointing way possible: diet and exercise! (And no, there will be no before-and-after nakey pictures, fuck off.)

Anyway, then the gym closed because of the corona and oh my god, I have come too far to let some little pissant pandemic ruin all my hard work, fuck that.

Maybe you are in a similar situation. Maybe you exercised/worked out a lot! Maybe you exercised/worked out sometimes. Maybe you exercised/worked out not at all, but you've been totally thinking it would be a good idea to one day think about getting on YouTube and doing some searches for workout-type things you might want to do someday but not today.

NO JUDGY WUDGY! Wherever you are, I have been in the exact same place. And I am still new enough in my process that I find it literally fucking hilarious that I am the one writing you this article right now.

But I would encourage you to find time during this to move your ass. Because lemme tell you two other things I've struggled with in my life: sleep and depression. Guess what I do not struggle with anymore, for the most part? That stuff. I am pretty sure move your ass is a big part of why I'm doing OK on those fronts.

So, after a few or 96 weeks of quarantine, I lost count, I am going to tell you what I've found to replace what I was doing at the gym before (two sessions a week with the trainer, an extra strength training session on my own, and about three cumulative hours of hard cardio). You could get on the internet and buy a bunch of shit -- my best friend took the opportunity to set up an entire home gym in his spare bedroom -- but I ain't doin' that, at least not yet. All of my recs are for stuff you can do with little to no equipment at all.

I'm trying to do each of the following things about three times a week. My schedule isn't exact yet, but I'm sure after another 167 weeks of corn'tine, I'll have it perfect.

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State/Local Politics

Jobless Floridians Will Starve Because Rick Scott Spent $77 Million On A Crappy Unemployment Website

It’s a shame lynch mobs violate social distancing guidelines.

Donald Trump's re-election prospects are grim and growing grimmer. He absolutely must win Florida and the state's 29 electoral votes to remain in the White House, stinking up the joint. That's hard to do when his bungling response to the coronavirus is leaving a pile of bodies across the sunshine state.

Florida currently has 9,585 confirmed coronavirus cases with 1,215 people hospitalized and 163 people dead. Republicans consider that a big problem because Republicans run the state. Gov. Ron DeSantis was trying to depict the virus as a New York problem just last week. But New York liberals didn't make him refuse to close the state's beaches or futz around before finally putting a stay-at-home order in effect Friday. That was his own dumb ass.

Unemployment is also hitting Florida hard, and thousands of jobless workers are struggling to apply for help through what passes for Florida's system. In fairness, this is an unprecedented surge in jobless claims that would tax even the most competent system, but Florida's system is grossly inadequate by design. An adviser to the governor calls it a “shit sandwich," and former Republican governor, Rick Scott, now their senator, is the turd chef.

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fox news

Dr. Fauci To 'Fox & Friends': F*CK YOUR FEELINGS.

And then the murders began.

"Fox & Friends" has been trending on Twitter today, as it often does. Usually we don't pay that much attention, because we figure Brian Kilmeade probably just somehow managed to accidentally get an opossum glued to his penis or something, and ain't nobody got time for that.

But today, it was because Dr. Anthony Fauci went on for an interview with the idiot couch, and oh boy, did he make them uncomfortable.

Fox News idiots have been pushing the malaria drug hydroxychloroquine as a miracle cure for the novel coronavirus for a while now, because Donald Trump has been pushing it as a miracle cure, while acknowledging that maybe it won't work. This led a couple in Arizona to eat fish tank cleaner with a similar name, and the husband died. The FDA has approved hydroxychloroquine and chloroquine to treat coronavirus, but not in the "this is the cure!" kind of way. What they approved was prescribing it "off label," which means it's a drug that's approved for something else (in this case it's an anti-malarial that's already been proven effective for rheumatoid arthritis and lupus), but they're saying it's OK for doctors to try it to treat coronavirus.

Which brings us to this morning's "Fox & Friends." The "Steve Doocy" dipshit referenced a "worldwide study" that found "37 percent of doctors" believed hydroxychloroquine was "THE most effective treatment against COVID-19." And just an hour ago, Doocy said, Dr. Oz was on "Fox & Friends," and let's play a clip of known World's Best Doctor Dr. Oz asking Dr. Fauci to say his opinion about a Chinese study on the wonder drug!

Fauci asked with a straight face, "You want my response to that?" OH YES HE DID. Because really, you want Dr. Fauci to respond to a medical question from Dr. Oz? Goddamn.

And then the murders began.

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Feminininism

'Transformed Wife' Hopes Coronavirus Will Make Ladies Stay Home And Bake Bread FOREVER

Well, we knew this was coming.

One thing COVID-19 is doing, other than killing people and otherwise making life pretty heinous, is inspiring a lot of really bad and really predictable takes. Conspiracy theorists are coming up with conspiracy theories, snake oil salesmen are telling people to drink bleach and colloidal silver, racists are using it as an excuse to get extra racist, and anti-feminists are finding a way to make all of this about them and their sad, stupid dreams for the world.

In a post on her blog this week, our old friend Lori Alexander, AKA The Transformed Wife, shared a comment she described as having "a LOT of truth in it," from a reader on Facebook who suggested that once the COVID-19 pandemic is over, women should be forced to continue staying at home, because of how that was probably what God was hoping for when he cursed us with this. Yes. God started a pandemic, which so far has killed over 52,000 people, because he was tired of all these career ladies going around having jobs instead of being stay-at-home-mothers like he wanted. Way to rip off Margaret Atwood, a woman who works, God!

"Women should be required to stay home permanently after this. Give their jobs, that they now don't have, to some fathers and husbands who need them. God finally forced what is natural because women won't choose to do it. And they are all finding out they don't HAVE to work. Yank the money away and they are still surviving on one income. No more excuses."

NO MORE EXCUSES!

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Conspiracy Theories

LOOKS LIKE 8Kun/8Chan Owner Scamming The Hell Out Of QAnon Idiots On His Site

His QAnon PAC is running ads on 8Kun.

Jim Watkins is a middle-aged veteran who runs a pig farm in the Philippines. He is also the current owner of 8kun, formerly 8chan, home of mass shooter manifestos and the world's stupidest conspiracy theory, QAnon. Earlier this year, Watkins went and helped to start Disarm The Deep State, a QAnon PAC meant to identify candidates sympathetic to "The Great Awakening" and support them. Conveniently, the website for this PAC lists all of these politicians so that we can all know who not to support. Or, rather, which candidates to make fun of, because they're all Republicans so obviously we wouldn't be supporting them anyway.

Aside from believing in the QAnon bullshit, the PAC believes in getting rid of the Deep State, instituting term limits, getting rid of the Deep State, more government transparency, and getting rid of the Deep State. Mostly just getting rid of the Deep State, which they are very opposed to. How they plan to do that with "the Deep State" not really being a real thing, no one can tell.

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coronavirus

Jared Kushner MBAsplains Coronavirus To America's Governors. Guess We're All Gonna Die.

Wake us up from this nightmare!

"The notion of the federal stockpile was it's supposed to be our stockpile," Jared Kushner said during yesterday's coronavirus MAGA rally. "It's not supposed to be states' stockpiles that they then use."

"WHO THE FUCK IS 'OUR'?" screamed America in unison. If it doesn't belong to the states, is the stockpile the property of DC, Guam, and Puerto Rico? Or does Jared think he and Vanky own the nation's stash of medical supplies and can dole them out as they see fit?

That's a joke, because, DUH, of course he does.

"The Strategic National Stockpile is the nation's largest supply of life-saving pharmaceuticals and medical supplies for use in a public health emergency severe enough to cause local supplies to run out," according to its website. "When state, local, tribal, and territorial responders request federal assistance to support their response efforts, the stockpile assures that the right medicines and supplies get to those who need them most during an emergency."

Oh, whoops! Looks like that's not the case anymore. Since Jared's star performance at yesterday's presser, that language has been removed from the web. Now it says that the president owns those ventilators and masks and can hand them out to red states that might vote for him in November, because, HELLO! read your Constitution, people!

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News

About Jared Kushner's Federal Stockpile ...

Trump can't do anything right or decently.

Presidential historians will likely agree that Donald Trump did fine work taunting his political enemies on Twitter, but he was less successful at the whole “leading the country" part of his job. The president's response to the coronavirus outbreak has only generated more chaos, a chief export of the Trump administration.

Governors are begging the federal government for much-needed help, and while Trump gets off on the begging, he's useless on the follow through. He thinks the states should fend for themselves. Instead of “The Buck Stops Here," his presidential motto is “Get Your Own Damn Ventilator."

From the New York Times:

"Respirators, ventilators, all of the equipment — try getting it yourselves," Mr. Trump told the governors during the conference call, a recording of which was shared with The New York Times. "We will be backing you, but try getting it yourselves. Point of sales, much better, much more direct if you can get it yourself."

That is not more direct. This is a national public health crisis, and it requires a coordinated response from the federal government. Forcing governors to mud wrestle for vital supplies isn't ideal. New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo described the situation as "being on eBay with 50 other states, bidding on a ventilator."

And now CBS says it's worse than we knew.

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coronavirus

GOP Missouri Gov. Will Protect Your God-Given Right To Shoot At Coronavirus, With Your Hidden Penis-Gun!

He's not gonna make you stay at home either.

Wonkette is taking a "Get To Know A Stupid Dumbass GOP Governor" tour of America this week!

Today, let's visit with Missouri Governor Mike Parson, who just does not think he should tell the state's residents to stay at home and try not to die of coronavirus:

Republican Gov. Mike Parson said he was not inclined to "make a blanket policy," adding, "It's going to come down to individual responsibilities."

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take some individual responsibility! What, you cannot do the bootstraps thing because you are coughing too hard of coronavirus? Oh well, hopefully some healing will trickle down upon you! Mike Parson does not fuckin' care.

The Missouri State Medical Association has been pleading with Parson for a statewide stay-at-home order. The pediatricians have been pleading. The nurses have been pleading. The mayors of the large cities have been pleading. But no dice yet. (They're reviewin' it, though! Maybe he will announce one late this afternoon at his briefing?)

On Thursday, Governor Parson did issue an executive order related to coronavirus. He just wanted to make sure that if your concealed-carry permit expires during this harrowing time, you will not get a fine for failing to renew it in a timely manner.

And people say GOP governors ain't on top of this!

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economics

Fate Of American Small Businesses Rests In Hands Of Donald Trump, Steve Mnunchin ... Oh CRAP!

Rollout of ‘Paycheck Protection Program’ expected to be a disaster.

Small businesses struggling to survive during the current economic crisis were promised relief through a $350 billion lending program, but like all promises that come from the Trump administration, you really need to check the fine print. Poor, put-upon banks are already sounding alarms that the "Paycheck Protection Program" (or is it the "Payroll Protection Program"?) is not dressed for success. The brain trust surrounding Donald Trump haven't come through with clear guidelines for the program and have set loan requirements that are simply “unworkable." (Having read the 31 pages of "guidance" from the SBA: They're actually not. All banks have to do, at the outside, is verify payroll reports for companies that have them, or revenues and expenses for sole proprietorships or self-employed people who don't. That's it. And they stand to make a killing.)

Ami Kassar, CEO of small business loan advisory firm MultiFunding, told CNBC Thursday that the banks just aren't ready for the program's launch on April 3, which is today.

KASSAR: I think it's going to be a mess for weeks.

JP Morgan Chase already informed customers Thursday that the bank "will most likely not be able to start accepting applications" on Friday. Get lost, deadbeats!

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