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Michael Cohen, You Are GUILTY! GO THE FUCK TO JAIL (WITH PAUL MANAFORT)!

OH, WHAT A FUCKING AFTERNOON!

Oh hi! Michael Cohen is going to jail, because he is guilty! Just like Paul Manafort is guilty and GO THE FUCK TO JAIL! WHERE HE ALREADY WAS! (Read up on that here!) And all this news came out in the same hour, somehow, because we live in the dumbest fucking episode of "Law & Order" Dick Wolf ever threw on the cutting room floor, on account of how it was too stupid for words.

However, Cohen avoided a big nasty trial (or series of trials, like Manafort opted for) by just cold pleading guilty to a buncha fuckin' crimes, like a crimer who does a buncha fuckin' crimes all the time. And he implicated Donald Trump in a couple of them!

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Paul Manafort, YOU ARE GUILTY! GO THE FUCK TO JAIL!

Manafort convicted on eight counts, jury hopelessly deadlocked on the other 10!

HOLY FUCK this afternoon! Michael Cohen just finished a hearing in a New York courtroom where he said, "DURRRR I AM SO GUILTY," but this post is not about that. This post is about how Paul Manafort verdict has just come out! He has been found guilty on eight of the 18 charges he faced in the Eastern District of Virginia (EDVA). The jury is hopelessly deadlocked on the other 10, and so a mistrial will be declared on those and Paul Manafort may get to be retried on them, in addition to his next trial over conspiracies against the United States and witness tampering, which starts next month in Washington DC. Maybe the government will decide Manafort is going to die in jail anyway, and play hooky from retrying those other counts. They probably need a vacay, don't you think?

Trump really does hire the best people!

NBC News's Ken Dilanian broke the news that Manafort has been convicted on five counts of tax fraud, one count of failing to report a foreign bank account on an IRS form, and two charges of bank fraud. The short version of that is that he is guilty of EIGHT FEDERAL FELONIES (so far) and he is going to jail for EIGHT MILLION YEARS for each count. (OK, that is probably not completely accurate. But still, welcome to prison, Paul Manafort!)

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Welcome To Silkwood, Don McGahn

Poor, sad Don McGahn just wants his old life back. He wants to go back to his job at a fancy law firm where he commands the respect and salary that is the birthright of every tall, weak-chinned white guy in good standing with the Federalist Society. He wants to engage in a little partisan ratfuckery, safe in the knowledge that he can go to Whole Foods without some lady in a diamond tennis bracelet -- someone who looks just like him -- yelling that he's destroying the country. And most of all, he'd like to be free of the nagging fear that the whole edifice is going to come crumbling down on top of him, and he'll be hauled in front of Congress for Watergate-style hearings, remembered forever for his role in the scandal that brought down the Republican party.

Sorry, Don! You pays your money, and you takes your chances.

McGahn is currently trying to thread the world's tiniest needle, loudly proclaiming his loyalty to a vindictive loon who lashes out at perceived enemies, while simultaneously telegraphing to Mueller that he himself was not involved in anything illegal. And would it be too much to ask if he could just come out of this without the radioactive taint that forces him to spend the rest of his professional life in the conservative welfare ghetto? (Spoiler alert: LOL, good luck with that.) So when you read some puff piece quoting "sources close to McGahn" saying that the poor guy is just trying to be a loyal soldier while keeping his nose clean, you can take that with several large grains of salt.

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QAnon Geniuses Ready To Sue 'The MSM' For Making Them Look Stupid :(

Over the past month or so, there have been a plethora of QAnon explainers in the "mainstream media" (of course, if you read Wonkette, you have been hep to this bullshit since April, at least). Explainers, which, by explaining what the QAnon people actually believe, make them look like idiots.

As a result, when these people tell their friends and family about how they are getting special transmissions from a secret government agent through 8chan -- a site notorious for both trolls and child pornography -- about the secret war Donald Trump is waging against underground Satanic pedophile rings that harvest the blood and adrenal glands of children in order to make adrenochrome, a substance that can also be made by letting an Epi-pen expire or by oxidizing epinephrine in a lab, those people kind of think they are bonkers. Whereas, surely, this would all seem very normal to everyone, had it not been for that pesky mainstream media making it seem ridiculous.

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Trump Will Fire Robert Mueller, Replace Him With 'Himself'

Pappy's bugfuck crazy again! After doing his normal Sunday and Monday routine of lying on his ass and tweet-whining about his grievances, the president of the United States, who has the emotional maturity of a four-year-old who's a bit behind all the other kids in Mother's Day Out, decided to invite the Reuters reporters into the Oval Office, so he could whine at them in person.

As usual when Trump is allowed to speak to reporters freely, it went well.

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lawsplainer

Welcome To Silkwood, Don McGahn

You'll be setting off Geiger counters for the rest of your miserable life.

Poor, sad Don McGahn just wants his old life back. He wants to go back to his job at a fancy law firm where he commands the respect and salary that is the birthright of every tall, weak-chinned white guy in good standing with the Federalist Society. He wants to engage in a little partisan ratfuckery, safe in the knowledge that he can go to Whole Foods without some lady in a diamond tennis bracelet -- someone who looks just like him -- yelling that he's destroying the country. And most of all, he'd like to be free of the nagging fear that the whole edifice is going to come crumbling down on top of him, and he'll be hauled in front of Congress for Watergate-style hearings, remembered forever for his role in the scandal that brought down the Republican party.

Sorry, Don! You pays your money, and you takes your chances.

McGahn is currently trying to thread the world's tiniest needle, loudly proclaiming his loyalty to a vindictive loon who lashes out at perceived enemies, while simultaneously telegraphing to Mueller that he himself was not involved in anything illegal. And would it be too much to ask if he could just come out of this without the radioactive taint that forces him to spend the rest of his professional life in the conservative welfare ghetto? (Spoiler alert: LOL, good luck with that.) So when you read some puff piece quoting "sources close to McGahn" saying that the poor guy is just trying to be a loyal soldier while keeping his nose clean, you can take that with several large grains of salt.

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Environment

Trump's Dirty Energy Plan Will SHOCK YOU! Like With Electricity, Until You Are Dead.

Good news: Most of those who'll die didn't vote for Trump!

After announcing it would kill Barack Obama's Clean Power Plan last fall, the Trump Administration is finally rolling out its own replacement regulations, cleverly titled the "Affordable Clean Energy" rule, which is obviously much better because it is affordable, because it has Affordable right there in the name. (This is different from health care, and the Affordable Care Act, which is named Obamacare and therefore does not have Affordable in its name.) The biggest upshot of the new rules is that where Obama's plan would have reduced US greenhouse gas emissions by 19 percent by 2030, the new rules hope market forces will reduce greenhouse emissions by somewhere between 0.7 percent and 1.5 percent, according to the EPA's estimates. Bummer for polar bears, not to mention other large mammals like Donald Trump, you, and me.

Say, have you happened to look at the sky lately? Oh, you can't because it is blocked by smoke. Womp womp.

But look at the upside! By keeping old dirty coal plants in service much, much longer, the power generation sector will save $400 million a year, and coal CEOs will make out like bandits. And the only cost will be to people breathing dirty air -- as the New York Times reports, Trump's EPA acknowledges, in the fine print, the additional pollution from burning all that coal will also cause between 470 and 1,400 additional deaths per year, plus untold medical bills from lung disease, plus more particulate matter to heat up the planet more. Fortunately, we'll all be so busy celebrating how great we are, nobody will notice.

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News

'10 Things I Want To Know About Bill Clinton's Penis': A Story By Brett Kavanaugh

How many licks does it take to get to the center of Bill Clinton's dick?

Did you hear the one about how, on top of everything else, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh is gross? No, we don't mean how he doesn't have a chin but does have three thousand foreheads. But that's a thing. And we don't mean how he just hates Roe v. Wade and Obergefell but loves Antonin Scalia's dissents, because to him, the Constitution is more dead than Antonin Scalia after a pillow accident. But that's a thing. And we aren't talking about how he has such a Daddy Issues view of presidential power that he doesn't even think presidents should be investigated. But this is related to that!

You see, he doesn't think presidents should be investigated anymore. He used to be totally DTF for a good presidential investigation, though, especially when he was working with Kenneth Starr on examining the rings on Bill Clinton's penis to see if he had sex with that lady, Monica Lewinsky.

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Culture Wars

QAnon Geniuses Ready To Sue 'The MSM' For Making Them Look Stupid :(

Send lawsuits to Mainstream Media, P.O. Box 666, Pueblo, CO 81005

Over the past month or so, there have been a plethora of QAnon explainers in the "mainstream media" (of course, if you read Wonkette, you have been hep to this bullshit since April, at least). Explainers, which, by explaining what the QAnon people actually believe, make them look like idiots.

As a result, when these people tell their friends and family about how they are getting special transmissions from a secret government agent through 8chan -- a site notorious for both trolls and child pornography -- about the secret war Donald Trump is waging against underground Satanic pedophile rings that harvest the blood and adrenal glands of children in order to make adrenochrome, a substance that can also be made by letting an Epi-pen expire or by oxidizing epinephrine in a lab, those people kind of think they are bonkers. Whereas, surely, this would all seem very normal to everyone, had it not been for that pesky mainstream media making it seem ridiculous.

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Culture

Oh No, Another Poor Defenseless Confederate Statue Toppled Like A Common Saddam Hussein!

Pro-slavery-statue lovers lament the passing of 'Silent Sam.'

If aliens visited the South 50 years after the Civil War, they'd be forgiven for assuming it was former slaves, and not the Confederacy, who had led the armed rebellion against the US, and slaves, not Confederate sympathizers, who had murdered Abraham Lincoln, the president Republicans always cling to so that they're not left with just Nixon, W., and Trump. Fiftyish years after the Civil War was also the period when "Silent Sam" -- a statue of a Confederate soldier that was toppled last night by a group of protesters who very unpatriotically don't even like slavery -- was unveiled before the all-white student body of University of North Carolina. (It would be another 40 years before black students could enroll.) UNC alum Julian Carr -- described (for real-like) as "an industrialist, philanthropist, and white supremacist" -- was invited to speak at Silent Sam's dedication.

First, [Carr] credited Confederate soldiers with saving "the very life of the Anglo Saxon race in the South," adding, "to-day, as a consequence the purest strain of the Anglo Saxon is to be found in the 13 Southern States — Praise God."

Then, he went on to tell a personal story.

"I trust I may be pardoned for one allusion, howbeit it is rather personal," Carr said. "One hundred yards from where we stand, less than ninety days perhaps after my return from Appomattox, I horse-whipped a negro wench until her skirts hung in shreds, because upon the streets of this quiet village she had publicly insulted and maligned a Southern lady, and then rushed for protection to these University buildings where was stationed a garrison of 100 Federal soldiers. I performed the pleasing duty in the immediate presence of the entire garrison, and for thirty nights afterwards slept with a double-barrel shot gun under my head."

"So, in conclusion, I'm evil. This statue is evil. And if you kids study hard and do well on your final exams, you'll all be evil too!"

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News

Get Ready, Afghanistan! Erik Prince Gonna Rambo Your Ass!

For only a few billion dollars, he'll make a big mess in another 'shithole' country.

Erik Prince has quietly surfaced from one of his underground lairs to try to convince Donald Trump to give him control of military operations in Afghanistan. US officials deny that anyone is taking the infamous soldier of fortune seriously, but Prince says he's dead set on extrajudicially killing and kidnapping people for for America's favorite God-emperor.

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Healthcare

Oh No, We Are All Broke From Tax Cuts! Better Cut Social Security!

Must be a day of the week with 'heavy drinking' in it.

Now that the Republicans have passed their Big Fat Tax Cuts for Rich Fuckwads, adding $1.5 trillion of debt, they've decided -- as they always do -- it's time for somebody to show some damn fiscal responsibility, damn it! And the somebodies who'll have to tighten their belts are the elderly and the disabled, because haven't they noticed their habit of inconsiderately needing medical care and basic subsistence is really putting a dent in the budget? Congressman Steve Stivers of Ohio sat down with CNBC's John Harwood to explain that it's darn well time to find a way for government to spend less, at least now that the GOP has thrown a trillion and a half dollars at its donor class.

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Russia

Trump Will Fire Robert Mueller, Replace Him With 'Himself'

This is just a really good Reuters interview.

Pappy's bugfuck crazy again! After doing his normal Sunday and Monday routine of lying on his ass and tweet-whining about his grievances, the president of the United States, who has the emotional maturity of a four-year-old who's a bit behind all the other kids in Mother's Day Out, decided to invite the Reuters reporters into the Oval Office, so he could whine at them in person.

As usual when Trump is allowed to speak to reporters freely, it went well.

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News

Trump Screwing Iraqi Translators Like They Were His Hotel Contractors

The Defense Department is piiiisssssed y'all.

Last week, we noted that ugly bag of mostly hate Stephen Miller had quietly placed allies in a number of key government jobs to help Donald Trump in his mission of keeping refugees out of the USA, because we no longer even pretend to be human any more. As it turns out, that war on refugees has been noticed by the Defense Department, and a lot of top brass are not at all happy about the exclusion of refugees from Iraq -- mostly translators and others who made it possible for US forces to do their mission in the country. Reuters reports military officials held a "closed-door White House meeting" last week to let the administration know promises were made. Unlike some developers who blithely stiff contractors, the military thinks it's important to fulfill promises to civilians who help it. Yes, even foreigns.

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lawsplainer

How Many Ways Can Rudy Giuliani Step On A Rake?

AOT, K!

In today's episode of All the President's Lawyers (Are Crazy), we ponder the deep questions. How can Rudy Giuliani be so bugfuck insane? Is there mercury in his denture adhesive? And will poor John Dowd ever recover his faculties, or will his service in Trumpland leave him permanently frozen in a state of slapstick incompetence? (Let's leave the latest foolishness in the McGahn fiasco for later today -- there's only so much WTF we can fit in one post.)

Like a kid set loose in nuclear plant, The Very Stable Genius spent yesterday bragging that he has THE POWER to push all the buttons. He's going to revoke security clearances for Bruce Ohr and Phil Mudd, just like he did for John Brennan, and you can't stop him so there!

And he hopes John Brennan does sue him for canceling his security clearance without due process, because then he's going to depose that guy SO HARD.

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Russia

'Go In' And 'Do Whatever.' Wonkagenda For Tues., Aug. 21, 2018

Trump has another crazy interview, ICE deports a Nazi, and Republicans are worried about November. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Post-Racial America

Trump Administration Fires White Nationalist Speechwriter. No, Not Stephen Miller.

Weird how so many racists want to work for Trump.

Employees in Donald Trump's White House have the career mortality rate of Bubonic plague victims and are less attractive to future employers. Adding to the body count is Darren Beattie, one of Trump's speechwriters who was fired on Friday. It's a hard gig trying to make the thing currently squatting in the Oval Office sound like a functioning human being. Just take a quick look at Trump's E. coli-infected word salad when removed from a sanity-boosting Twitter format.

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popular

Ex-Congressman Footie Pajamas So Mad Those #MeToo Ladies Ruined His Bright Career

And he would have gotten away with it too, if they hadn't made sexual harassment a BAD thing.

In April of this year, Blake Farenthold, the footie pajama-wearing Texas congressman who once lamented that he couldn't challenge Susan Collins to a duel on account of her not having a penis, resigned from office -- several months after news broke that he had used $84,000 in taxpayer money to settle a sexual harassment suit brought against him by Lauren Greene, his former communications director. In the suit, Greene alleged that the Congressman told her that he had "wet dreams" about her and also informed her that she could show him her nipples. Just, you know, normal stuff like that.

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Post-Racial America

ICE Goes Easy On Human Smugglers, Cracks Down On Smuggled Humans

Yeah, we're feeling SO MUCH safer now.

The Kansas City Star published a big investigative piece today about yet another fun wrinkle in ICE's endlessly creative fuckery toward immigration cases. You know how the Trump administration has been talking about Getting Tough on the Bad Hombres who make illegal immigration possible, the human smugglers who help migrants evade the Border Patrol and ICE? Turns out there's a ridiculously common practice in prosecutions of those particular human traffickers (or "coyotes" with the three-syllable Spanish pronunciation to sound super knowledgeable about border issues): to speed court cases along, the smugglers often get very light sentences, while the people they smuggle can spend years in detention, even after agreeing to testify against the smugglers.

Oh, sure, it gets worse: those migrants who agree to cooperate can end up being deported anyway, and marked for death by cartels because they snitched. Just checking: does this make us Great Again? By whose definition?

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lawsplainer

Is Michael Cohen In Big Trouble? Or Is The NYT Full Of Crap? (JK, It Is BOTH.)

What even is this shit?

GODDAMMIT, NEW YORK TIMES! You're breaking like nineteen scoops a day. Can we cut the shit already with these screaming nonsense headlines? Because everything is on fire right now, and we really don't need these distractions, thankyouverymuch!

You probably got an NYT push notification yesterday about Trump's longtime lawyer Michael Cohen being investigated for 'Bank Fraud in Excess of $20 Million!' ZOMGGGGG!!!1!! Does that mean Michael Cohen stoled $20 million dollars from the bank?

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