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Make Yourself Comfortable And Have Some Nice Things!

Pour yourself another cup of coffee, turn off the Sunday gab shows (we have someone to watch 'em for you!), and let's all take a break from the firehose of terrible news, shall we? We'll get back to all that soon enough. I'll do my best to round up the nice things for you, although I currently have a big purrbucket sprawled all over me getting in the way.

Can I call in catted today?

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Rick Perry Resigning To Spend More Time With His Subpoenas

Governor Goodhair is taking his mousse and going back to Texas. Bloomberg was first to report that Rick Perry tackled Donald Trump on Air Force One like a process server to drop his quitfire notice. Well, to be fair, Bloomberg was second, since the New York Times reported it two weeks ago, only to have Perry accuse them of Fake News.

But don't panic, guys. Donald Trump was quick to assure his fans in Texas that Perry's replacement WILL HAVE A PENIS, saying, "It's a man that we're going to be putting in Rick's place." Whew, glad we dodged that tampon, huh?

So why is Perry noping out now? Is he still moping about the failure of his plan to make it illegal to close coal plants because of "national security"? Or was this dash for the exit precipitated by Perry's realization that he is up to his SMRT glasses in impeachment shit? Because every day another damning detail of the administration's efforts to shake down Ukraine surfaces, and Rick Perry's idiot finger prints are all over it.

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Laura Ingraham: If Mick Mulvaney Were A Lawyer, Which He Is, He Could Avoid Confessing To All The Crimes

White House (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's press briefing Thursday lacked the confident professionalism of a dumpster fire. It was like the "West Wing" episode when Josh filled in for CJ. But Josh just admitted that the president had a secret plan to fight inflation (he didn't). Mulvaney admitted that the president held up funding to the Ukraine until he got dirt on his political enemies (he did).

Donald Trump reportedly "wasn't happy" that Mulvaney implicated him in multiple crimes. This is why the chief of staff is still temp to perm. Conservative media did their best to help Mulvaney out of the hole he'd dug and dumped bodies into on live TV. Wall Street Journal columnist Kim Strassel accused the press and Democrats of "moving the goal post" and claimed the Ukraine scandal is no different from the "Russia collusion fake story."

STRASSEL: Now, apparently, there is something inappropriate - or it is a quid pro quo for the president to say, we're not going to give you money until you tell us whether or not you meddled in our 2016 election. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but we just asked Bob Mueller to do the exact same thing for several years with regards to Russia. I mean, that's not a quid pro quo, that's a legitimate ask.

These fever dreams about Robert Mueller are a popular diversionary tactic from conservatives now. Trump is the true hero here. Mueller dithered around like a common Hamlet, but Trump isn't wasting time. He'll do whatever it takes to defend America from enemies foreign and domestic, who happen to have the names Clinton and Biden. Go figure. Strassel just released a new book, Resistance (At All Costs), about how "Trump Haters Are Breaking America" (that's the rest of the title). Trump tweeted a glowing review and expressed his appreciation for Strassel early this week. That's probably not quid pro quo either. She's just a hack who shamelessly defends Trump no matter how obviously criminally he behaves.

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Who You Gonna Believe? Mick Mulvaney Or That Dumb Liar Mick Mulvaney?

Good news, everyone, the crimes you thought happened at the White House did not actually happen at the White House, because (acting) White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney has released a statement to say Donald Trump did not commit the crimes Mick Mulvaney admitted Trump committed on live TV several hours before this statement right here, which is the truth.

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Nice Time

Make Yourself Comfortable And Have Some Nice Things!

It's Sunday. You may or may not need pants.

Pour yourself another cup of coffee, turn off the Sunday gab shows (we have someone to watch 'em for you!), and let's all take a break from the firehose of terrible news, shall we? We'll get back to all that soon enough. I'll do my best to round up the nice things for you, although I currently have a big purrbucket sprawled all over me getting in the way.

Can I call in catted today?

Keep reading... Show less
Feminininism

Court Rules That Anti-Choice 'Sidewalk Counselors' Can Annoy Anyone Trying To Get An Abortion In Pittsburgh

But on the bright side, they also upheld a buffer zone law keeping protestors 15 feet away.

If there is a more enraging term in the English language than "sidewalk counseling," I cannot think of it. Just reading it makes my blood boil, and not just because the practice itself entails rudely walking up to people trying to get an abortion and annoying them with anti-choice bullshit, though that is appalling. It's also the unbelievably smug and delusional-sounding term in and of itself. It takes a whole lot of gall to call what they do "counseling." Last time I checked, counseling an adult person who does not wish for you to counsel them usually involves a court order of some kind, and it does not occur on a sidewalk. Surely, if anyone walking into an abortion clinic wanted to be "counseled" by some anti-choice freak of nature, they would go and do that instead of walking into an abortion clinic.

Thus, I thought it was pretty darned awesome when the city of Pittsburgh enacted a law requiring forced birth enthusiasts to stay 15 feet away from abortion clinics during their protests.

And on Friday, the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals upheld that law, which was great, but with an exception, which was very, very bad. While protestors must stay 15 feet away from abortion clinics, the court found that this cannot apply to so-called "sidewalk counselors," and that not allowing them to annoy people trying to get a common medical procedure would violate their First Amendment rights.

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Gay Stuff

Chik-Fil-A Lasts A Grand Total Of 8 Days In The U.K. After LGBTQ Groups Tell Them to 'Cluck Off'

Jolly good job!

Chik-Fil-A is known for two things: chicken sandwiches and ardent homophobia. Reportedly, their chicken sandwiches are very good (I would not know), which is probably why they have managed to continue selling them even in parts of the US that one would generally consider rather inhospitable to CEO Dan Cathy's views and habit of donating money to anti-gay organizations. There are at least three of them right here in Chicago. I don't know who is buying them, or why, when we have so many other quality chicken options here (I mean... Harold's exists and they deliver. So does Popeye's if you are looking for a fast food option), but someone is.

But you know where they are damn well not buying any homophobic chicken sandwiches? The U.K.!

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2020 democratic primary

Meghan McCain And Tulsi Gabbard Join Hands In Spirit Of Bipartisan Annoyance

It’s another Ellen moment!

Democratic presidential candidate and local crackpot Tulsi Gabbard has a brand new BFF. Yesterday, after Hillary Clinton implied (correctly) that Vladimir Putin picked her from a Sears catalog of spoiler candidates, Meghan McCain rushed to Gabbard's defense on Twitter:

McCain suggests Gabbard "threatens" people instead of simply annoying them so much that they don't want to vote for her or give her money. "The View" host isn't a Democrat, yet Gabbard's lack of popularity among Democrats "baffles" her. McCain also couldn't resist dinging Clinton again for her 2016 comment about Trump supporters. I'm going to repeat it here in full because I'm tired of Republicans carrying this cross.

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Healthcare

Big Pharma Paid 700 Doctors Over A Million Bucks Each. Tell Us Again How Single-Payer Is Too Pricey?

None dare call it legalized bribery. OK, plenty do.

One of the quiet scandals of US America's for-profit healthcare "system" is the routine bribery of doctors by pharmaceutical companies. We're not talking the free pens and notepads with drug logos, but generous funding for travel, "consulting," and speaking fees to "educate" other doctors at conferences. A new ProPublica report found that the amount of money the industry pays to doctors hasn't changed, despite efforts to call attention to the potential conflicts of interest. And some doctors are really making out like bandits, while prescription drug prices continue to go through the roof.

That's not a mixed metaphor, that's American healthcare today: a bandit house with holes in the roof.

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Impeachment

Torture Cheerleader John Yoo Is Back To Lie About The Constitution

He's claiming the Founders did not believe in impeachment, which they did.

Oh goodie. The torture guy has more wisdom to share with us.

War criminal John Yoo, George W. Bush's favorite waterboarding lawyer, is back to lecture us on the Constitution. Because irony, like God, is dead.

Yoo, who once argued that the president could massacre entire villages and crush children's testicles if he wanted to, is back on the scene. But instead of torturing Muslims, this time he's here to torture American history.

So that's on-brand.

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News

Your Weekly Top Ten Is Too Tired To Write A Headline

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

TOP TEN, HEY!

Before we count down the top ten stories of the week, here is your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent, especially because of the pic of Wonkette toddler who has marked up her face like a ferocious tiger, RAWR.

Also, have you been to the Wonkette Flea Market lately, in order to find some rare finds? We have all kinds of merches, like t-shirts and coffee cups featuring your favorite candidates, and also just Wonkette-branded swag. Maybe there is some you do not have! GO FIND OUT.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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Russia

Hillary Clinton Said True Thing About Tulsi Gabbard, Everybody Sh*t Your Pants!

Nothing about this is incorrect or remotely controversial.

Well! Well well well! Hillary Clinton dared to speak in public again, where the fuck does she get off, hasn't she heard that some people on Twitter have determined that she is no longer allowed to do that, HAAAARRRRRUMPH GRRR ARGH? It's not like she was the Democratic Party's presidential nominee in 2016 and won the popular vote by almost three million, only "losing" the Electoral College because of a bizarre fluke-y confluence of events involving an FBI director gone rogue and a "sweeping and systematic" attack on our election by Russia, as Republican former FBI director/special counsel Robert Mueller put it in his report, to hurt her candidacy and (successfully) install the Kremlin's chosen asset, Donald Trump, in the American presidency.

God, what a horrible bitch Hillary Clinton is, for TALKING LIKE A COMMON PERSON WHO TALKS, UGGGGGGGH GO AWAY.

Some people are doing their best impression of Kyle's mom on "South Park" saying "WHAwhaWHATTTTTTT?!" because Clinton did a podcast and said a couple of very obviously true things about the Democratic primary, and Tulsi Gabbard in particular. If you are one of those people who thinks it's fashionable to lose your shit every time Hillary Clinton deigns to share her thoughts, you're gonna want to get your inhaler real quick:

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Media/Entertainment

Mark Zuckerberg: Facebook Is The Frederick Douglass Of Martin Luther Kings

Lies and racism are fine as long as you sign your real name.

At Georgetown University yesterday, Facebook bossman Mark Zuckerberg gave a great big speech about free speech to explain why he won't do anything about false political ads, even when they included demonstrable lies, not just shadings of opinion. He was a regular John Stuart Mill on digital media's great power to let the people be heard, and insisted that the beauty of Free Speech is that it brought us the Civil Rights Movement, not to mention all the anime porn you can download. And he didn't say anything new at all, except that it was coming from the guy whose company's mistakes involving what reaches readers can be a matter of life and death, like when Facebook literally helped spread genocidal messaging in Burma. But he's very sorry about that, and has installed a patch that should reduce genocides quite a bit.

There really wasn't anything all that new in his argument: The best answer to offensive speech is more speech, and the marketplace of ideas will make sure the truth is known, and please never mind that those with the most money can extend their speech farther and louder while Facebook makes huge profits.

Zuck certainly sparked some negative engagement, however, when he suggested Facebook somehow embodies the ideals of civil rights heroes, who were fighting for the right to be treated as full human beings under the law, not for the beauty of unregulated expression.

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Media/Entertainment

New York Times Shows Softer Side Of Hungarian Authoritarianism

Why NOT have a Holocaust revisionist write an op-ed praising Viktor Orban?

In 2013, the Hungarian government announced its intention to establish a museum called the House of Fates, which was meant to memorialize the country's experience during the Holocaust. Although it was initially slated to open in 2014 — the 70th anniversary of the Holocaust — it did not open until last year, as a result of a torrent of controversy that eventually led to the Hungarian government transferring ownership of the museum to the United Hungarian Jewish Congregation (EMIH). The controversy was the fact that one Dr. Maria Schmidt had been tapped to run it.

Schmidt, a government-appointed historian and long-time acolyte of Hungary's strong man Prime Minister Viktor Orbán, is known to have a penchant for rewriting the Holocaust. Like many right-wing Hungarians these days, Schmidt has been known to diminish Hungary's complicity in the persecution of Hungarian Jews, portraying the country as an innocent victim. This, obviously, runs contrary to the experiences of the Hungarian Jews who were actually alive during the Holocaust and clearly remember being persecuted by Hungarians. These groups were already pretty upset about a statue erected by the Hungarian government (pictured above), which Schmidt endorsed, in which Germany is portrayed as an eagle attacking an angel representing Hungary. When it was announced that Schmidt would be in charge of the museum, Jewish groups protested and refused to be involved if she was going to have anything to do with it.

Yesterday, The New York Times ran an op-ed by this same woman, extolling the virtues of Orbán's neo-fascist regime, as though she were some kind of normal person.

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Impeachment

SEAL Commander Who Killed Bin Laden Just Saying The Republic Is Under Attack, From Donald Trump

IMPEACH THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY.

Admiral William McRaven, who commanded the SEAL team that killed Osama bin Laden, has not been shy about criticizing Donald Trump when he sees fit. This sets him apart from, say, former Defense secretary Jim Mattis, who did the Al Smith dinner last night and LARFED LIKE A CLOWN at Trump calling him overrated, saying he guesses he is the "Meryl Streep of generals," hahahahahaha funny joke, Jim Mattis, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING SPEAK OUT RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

Last time we visited Bill McRaven, he was all up in the newspaper when Trump was threatening to take security clearances from former CIA director John Brennan and others, saying if you're going to rip the security clearance from those patriots, please take his too, sir, as it would be a motherfucking honor coming from a shithole president such as Trump. (Not his exact words.)

Unsurprisingly, McRaven is back this week with a blistering op-ed (yes, it's blistering!) in the New York Times, which explicitly says America is under attack from within, by our criminal president Donald Trump. He's just saying. The decorated admiral who led the SEAL team that killed Bin Laden. Says America is under attack. And that the invading power is Donald Trump.

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Nice Time

Rep. Elijah Cummings Goes Out Swinging

American hero sticks it to Trump as last official act.

The late Elijah Cummings was a hero and champion. This isn't the normal hyperbole we extend to politicians in the days after their death. It's supported by his deeds. In one of his last official acts as chairman of the House Oversight and Reform Committee, Cummings worked to help stop Donald Trump's latest bit of cruelty toward immigrants. The administration was willing to deport children with grave medical conditions regardless of whether they could receive adequate treatment outside the US. Hours before his death, Cummings signed two subpoenas for documents related to a temporary end to a policy change no Trump staffer could adequately explain.

According to a Democratic aide, Cummings "felt so strongly about the children, that he was going to fight until the end." This is because, unlike Trump, Cummings possessed a human soul and a heart. Whatever pain he might've suffered toward the end of his life didn't diminish the concern he had for others. That's why he entered politics -- not for power or his own self-aggrandizement -- but to help people.

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popular

Chicago's Teachers Are Mad As Hell

It's not about the money, it's about the kids!

Yesterday 32,500 Chicago teachers and support staff went on strike. Organizers in the Chicago Teachers Union estimate between 10,000 and 15,000 teachers, staff, students, and supporters showed up to march, demanding the city cough up money it always seems to find under a couch cushion whenever wealthy, tourist-friendly areas need stadiums, amphitheaters, or condos.

For years teachers have been demanding an increase in the funding of school services, and every time the city replies, "Maybe next time." After her historic election earlier this year, many Chicagoans had high hopes for the new mayor, Lori Lightfoot, thanks to lofty promises during a contentious election. Lightfoot had promised to increase the number of support staff (like guidance counselors, social workers, and special education workers) at schools throughout the city ahead of the CTU's expiring contract with the city. Teachers say the mayor walked away from her promises, while the mayor argues the city doesn't have enough in its $7.7 billion budget.

Years of segregation, mismanagement, budget cuts, school closures and the usual big shoulder-shrugging from now-former city officials have left Chicago's schools desperate to keep even the most basic support staff, like nurses and librarians, while class sizes continue to swell. A majority of Chicago's public schools serve low-income families. Parents and teachers argue that they've been carrying the weight of the city's exhaustive list of budget problems, and that instead of building an unwanted $6 billion amphitheater or a new police academy, or repeatedly shelling out multi-million dollar settlements every time a cop "accidentally" kills a kid, maybe we could invest something into the fucking schools.

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Ukraine

Rick Perry Resigning To Spend More Time With His Subpoenas

BOY BYE.

Governor Goodhair is taking his mousse and going back to Texas. Bloomberg was first to report that Rick Perry tackled Donald Trump on Air Force One like a process server to drop his quitfire notice. Well, to be fair, Bloomberg was second, since the New York Times reported it two weeks ago, only to have Perry accuse them of Fake News.

But don't panic, guys. Donald Trump was quick to assure his fans in Texas that Perry's replacement WILL HAVE A PENIS, saying, "It's a man that we're going to be putting in Rick's place." Whew, glad we dodged that tampon, huh?

So why is Perry noping out now? Is he still moping about the failure of his plan to make it illegal to close coal plants because of "national security"? Or was this dash for the exit precipitated by Perry's realization that he is up to his SMRT glasses in impeachment shit? Because every day another damning detail of the administration's efforts to shake down Ukraine surfaces, and Rick Perry's idiot finger prints are all over it.

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Trump

Trump Appoints Illuminati Mind Power Warrior Magic Expert To Education Board

His pen name may or may not be 'Magus Incognito'.

We can no longer say that Donald Trump has never done anything for us. Why? Because he has given us the gift of appointing one George Mentz to the Commission on Presidential Scholars, a board that selects and honors 161 Presidential Scholars from across the country.

Why is this such a beautiful gift, you ask? Well, I think we all know that anyone Trump appoints is going to be terrible. He does not pick the best people, for anything. He picks the worst people, for everything. And you can be assured that George Mentz is, indeed, also the worst. But he is also a purveyor of some of the most hilarious batshittery I have ever seen in my life — and heck, if everyone Trump is going to appoint to everything is terrible, the least we can ask for is some quality entertainment.

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News

Laura Ingraham: If Mick Mulvaney Were A Lawyer, Which He Is, He Could Avoid Confessing To All The Crimes

You gotta give the press the old razzle dazzle!

White House (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's press briefing Thursday lacked the confident professionalism of a dumpster fire. It was like the "West Wing" episode when Josh filled in for CJ. But Josh just admitted that the president had a secret plan to fight inflation (he didn't). Mulvaney admitted that the president held up funding to the Ukraine until he got dirt on his political enemies (he did).

Donald Trump reportedly "wasn't happy" that Mulvaney implicated him in multiple crimes. This is why the chief of staff is still temp to perm. Conservative media did their best to help Mulvaney out of the hole he'd dug and dumped bodies into on live TV. Wall Street Journal columnist Kim Strassel accused the press and Democrats of "moving the goal post" and claimed the Ukraine scandal is no different from the "Russia collusion fake story."

STRASSEL: Now, apparently, there is something inappropriate - or it is a quid pro quo for the president to say, we're not going to give you money until you tell us whether or not you meddled in our 2016 election. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but we just asked Bob Mueller to do the exact same thing for several years with regards to Russia. I mean, that's not a quid pro quo, that's a legitimate ask.

These fever dreams about Robert Mueller are a popular diversionary tactic from conservatives now. Trump is the true hero here. Mueller dithered around like a common Hamlet, but Trump isn't wasting time. He'll do whatever it takes to defend America from enemies foreign and domestic, who happen to have the names Clinton and Biden. Go figure. Strassel just released a new book, Resistance (At All Costs), about how "Trump Haters Are Breaking America" (that's the rest of the title). Trump tweeted a glowing review and expressed his appreciation for Strassel early this week. That's probably not quid pro quo either. She's just a hack who shamelessly defends Trump no matter how obviously criminally he behaves.

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