RNC Night Two: Chris Christie Persecutes, Er, Prosecutes The Witch

2016 Presidential Election

New Jersey's failed vice presidential candidate took his snub in stride (again) last night by pitching a fit at the Republican National Convention. Governor Chris Christie led the convention in a call and response speech that was designed to serve as a mock prosecution of Hillary Clinton -- the kind in which the helpful prosecutor is also judge and jury.

The internet seemed to take this (and the chants of GUILTY) as somehow inappropriate, as if it were some sort of witch trial. Where would they ever get an idea like that?

Christie's speech, much like every single GOP speech so far that wasn't written by Michelle Obama, started and ended with Benghazi and email because they have nothing of substance to talk about. Christie avoided Tuesday's theme, "Make America Work Again," and instead threw shade all over Hillary Clinton for 15 minutes, working the crowd into a rabid, star spangled frenzy until they started foaming at the mouth while screaming "Lock Her Up." At one point, he prosecuted Hillary Clinton for the kidnapping of the Nigerian schoolgirls.

Attacking Clinton on Benghazi, Christie called Clinton the "chief engineer of the disastrous overthrow of Qaddafi in Libya." He forgot to mention that time that Donald Trump almost rented his Seven Springs estate to Qaddafi in 2009 when Qaddafi was in New York to address the the U.N. Security Council.

Christie accused Clinton of defending Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, misquoting a statement Clinton made in early 2011, when she said she hoped Assad would be "a different kind of leader." In context, Clinton was contrasting Bashar al-Assad to his father, Hafez al-Assad, who ruthlessly held power in Syria for decades before passing power to his son, the seemingly benign Bashar, who was an ophthalmologist. Clinton's comments came during the height of the Arab Spring, back when everyone in the U.S. was cumming buckets full of freedom that the Arab world might actually just overthrow itself without the need to invade ANOTHER country. When the Assad regime began to crack down on protesters, Clinton and Obama called for sanctions, and ultimately his ousting.

Next came the Iranian nuclear deal, with the Hamburglar in Chief decrying that Clinton "launched the negotiations that brought about the worst nuclear deal in history...a deal that will lead to a nuclear Iran." While it's true that Clinton pushed for negotiations with Iran, in the end Iran agreed to give up 98 percent of its nuclear fuel and dismantle centrifuges and much of its nuclear infrastructure, and seems to be continuing to follow the terms of the agreement. Iran has been pushing the limits of the agreement, but they haven't violated it yet.

When Christie moved on to Russia, he said Clinton, "gave them that stupid, symbolic, reset button...[and] she deleted in four years the safety and security it took us to build in 40 years," he was still force feeding his blood-thirsty crowd chunks of red, meaty shit bits. (The reset button was stupid, though.) The Russian reset was a campaign promise by President Barry Bamz meant to ease mounting political tensions with Russia. Trump, on the other hand, successfully lobbied to change the GOP platform on Ukraine from “providing lethal defensive weapons” to "appropriate assistance." If it was Clinton's goal to, as Christie says, "strengthen Russia," then what the fuck is Trump's goal if his campaign manager is the same son of a bitch who helped orchestrate Putin's not-invasion of Ukraine?

Throughout Christie's long-winded political theater, he only actually mentioned Trump twice. If that sounds familiar, it's because he did the same petulant crap at the 2012 convention when he huffed, and he puffed and he refused to go on stage unless the RNC played his little self-aggrandizing jack-off tape. He was all bitching that Romney picked Ryan as his Veep, so Christie slapped his chum guzzler together for almost 30 minutes in protest.

Let's remember that Trump has his own potential criminal investigation looming due to repeated FEC violations, and consider the fact that Chris Christie has his own ethical scandal with Bridgegate, so he's probably one of the last people that should be making any sort of ethical indictment.

[NY Times / Politico ]

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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