A Belated 'Alt-Right' Valentine From Your Boyfriend Mike Cernovich And His Magic Sperm


Mike Cernovich is primarily known as a purveyor of "alt-right" bullshit and as a fervent supporter of Donald Trump. You may remember him from the time he cried and cried because he sold so many tickets to his "Deploraball" at a restaurant he had not actually booked, and then the restaurant refused to host it. Or the time he tried to Pizzagate a comedian on Twitter. Or the time he tried to convince America that Hillary Clinton was probably dying. Of something.

But did you know that he is also THE GREATEST RELATIONSHIP EXPERT ON THE WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET? He is. He does not know anyone who knows more about relationships than he does. He is a relationship prodigy. He is the Little Man Tate of human interactions. He has tried to think of people who might know more about relationships than he does, and just comes up empty. He simply cannot fathom it.

This is likely why he is considered a major heart throb to women across the country. That and his sexy, sexy voice. Is there anything that is more of a turn-on for heterosexual women than a dude who sounds like Baby Huey, if Baby Huey just swallowed a balloon full of helium? Maybe whining about women writing about video games, but not much else.

Also his sperm has magical properties that make women addicted to it. He calls it his "super serum."

And he has a special Valentine's Day episode for you, in which he gives you all the romantic advice you will ever need.

Important things to note here!

Apparently, it is a SCIENTIFIC FACT that every time a woman has sex with a man, it reduces her ability to love and "pair bond" with another man. So, while Cernovich says a woman can ask a man out, she cannot ask him to "hang," because that "Netflix and Chill" life will ruin any chance she has in finding true love.

"You gotta remember as a woman -- remember this rule. The iron law of women. Every man you have sex with makes it that much harder to ever fall in love. The more partners a woman has, the harder it is to pair bond with any given partner. So you should avoid that Netflix and Chill life."

Also, men can't read "signals" anymore, because they are afraid that if they read signals wrong, they are then rapists or women will think they are creepy.

"There are so many mixed signals, and if you, as a man, read a signal wrong, you're a rapist. [...] One false move means that you're going to be labeled a creeper, a stalker or a rapist. [...] It's just.. it's a mess out there. It takes away the romance. It takes away the animal lust, the aggression."

Maybe try not relying entirely on your psychic abilities to determine if a woman wants to bang you? That might be a good idea! It is actually not that hard or unsexy to do, and it is quite easy to pull off if you are not, in fact, a creep or a rapist! Also, if you are not an entirely self-centered person, it is very easy to tell whether or not someone wants to be talking to you. People have consensual sex literally all the time, it is not that hard to figure out, and if you can't figure out a way to know for sure that someone is consenting to have sex with you, if you can't even muster the words "Wanna fuck?" then you are not mature enough to even be having sex and should keep your "super serum" in Kleenex where it belongs.

This is also darling:

"Women should date up on status and success, and men should date up on beauty and looks. That is a good way to ensure happiness."

Oh, should they now?

It is at this point that Mike starts taking calls, about relationship questions. In response to a question about how he met his wife, he explains that he did this through his "gorilla game" and just "pulled her in." HOWEVER, he explains that this only works for guys like him, because he is able to read women so very well, and not every guy is able to do that. He can do that though, because he is very in tune with our auras. And stuff.

As part of a response to another question about whether or not unhealthy men are worth dating, Cernovich explains that women say they want "real strong masculine males," and then get upset when their boyfriend snaps at one of their friends when she "pops off" at him or says something passive aggressive towards him. This is unfair! If you want a strong man, ladies, you need to be cool with him being shitty to your friends. The exact opposite of that Spice Girls song.

Of course, if your boyfriend is Mike Cernovich, your friends probably have a pretty good reason to "pop off" at him, or make passive aggressive comments. I would do that if you were my friend and you were dating Mike Cernovich. Also I would probably host an intervention.

Now, I am not a relationship expert like how Mike Cernovich is a relationship expert. But I am a heterosexual woman! And I can tell you right now that there is literally nothing that is at all sexy about Mike Cernovich. He reminds me of dudes who creep around 4 a.m. bars and are always trying to corner some poor girl who doesn't hang out there enough to know why every other woman in the bar is avoiding him like the plague, and then gets kicked out of said bar after getting mad when the woman tries to ditch him. I have known several of his kind.

Also, probably the worst thing to do, if you are trying to appeal to women, is to refer to your sperm as a "sacred serum" and suggest that it has magical, addictive properties. I'm just saying, there is no woman on earth who will not laugh at you if you do that. Probably the best dating tip I can possibly give you, in general, is to not be Mike Cernovich.

[YouTube | H/T EyesOnTheRight]

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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