A Children's Treasury Of Cartoons Featuring Rod Blagojevich's Hair
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Let's just get it out there: Rod "Blago" Blagojevich has awesome hair. Sure, it may be a sign of some crippling psychological disorder, but it's a symbol of Rod "The Blag Man" Blagojevich's virility and stature, and we all have to respect it. Rod "Blagger Of The Year" Blagojevich dreamed of bringing his hair onto the national stage someday so that all of America could enjoy it. And that fond wish of his has now been fulfilled, though he probably had hopes that it would appear on front pages across America in photographs, not courtroom drawings.
Today, we salute the great boon that Rod "Prisoner of Blagistan" Blagojevich's hair has brought to our cartooning classes. Like our Lord God Himself, Rod "He Has A Funny Ethnic Name, You See" Blagojevich's hair has many different aspects, and can be many things to many people. In this week's Cartoon Violence, we examine a number of cartoons, and see which of the many hilarious characteristics of the gov's coif each focuses on.
Click on the cartoons to make them SO MUCH LARGER.
Important hair characteristic: Partedness.
Here's an important thing about Rod "Henceforth In This Columns To Be Referred To By His Proper Illinois Abbreviation 'Blago'" Blagojevich's hair: It is not some inky black undifferentiated mass sitting atop his head. No, it has a part in it. A very distinct part. This part was first established by extensive blasting and tunneling work, and is maintained by a team of wranglers with three hours of work every morning. As you can see in this depiction, that effort definitely has its rewards, as Blago's hair is neatly sectioned off into two asymmetrical lobes.
Important hair characteristic: Bigness.
Blago always wanted to be a "big man." And what is one way to increase the volume one occupies with almost no effort? Why, by never cutting one's hair, but rather letting it grow into a larger and larger mass, until, as you can see here, its own gravitational pull causes it to collapse into a vaguely spherical shape, perched atop your head. Blago's hair enrages Santa because the so-called jolly old elf's own hairstyle choices are limited, due to the hat.
Important hair characteristic: Fuzziness.
One thing to keep in mind about Blago is that even though he has ascended to the almost God-like height of governor of a decaying Rust Belt state, he is still an ordinary human like you and me. He still puts his pants on one leg at a time, and he still requires a six-figure no-show job for his wife, so he can continue to afford pants made out of solid gold for him to put on one leg at a time. Thus, his hair is not some perfect Platonic ideal that can be described by a clean and elegant mathematical formula as a curved and unbroken surface wrapped around his head; rather, there are numerous tiny hairs frizzing out from the top of his 'do, each one a reminder of his essential, flawed humanity (that and the corruption).
Important hair characteristic: Resemblance to the hairdo worn by beloved 1960s Dr. Who star Patrick Troughton.
Ooops! This appears to actually be a drawing of beloved 1960s Dr. Who star Patrick Troughton, repurposed for a Blago cartoon, for some reason. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Important hair characteristic: Imperviousness.
You must always remember that Blago is a working-class man of the people. You fancy types, all you need is a hairdo that can survive cocktail parties and meetings where you stack up huge piles of gold coins and count them while giggling foppishly. But our Blago needs to take his hair out and engage in the sort of activities that ordinary Chicagoans enjoy -- like, for instance, going down to the old watering hole and frolicking in an enormous pool of feces. Throughout it all, his hair must remain unmussed -- and that's the sort of endurance that it displays in this cartoon.
Important hair characteristic: Gelatinous unity.
As already noted, Blago's hair is massive enough to generate a gravitational field detectable at a macrospatial level. But what are the larger cosmological implications of this? After his hair has assumed a spherical shape, the individual fibers will begin to break down, the hair molecules intermingling into a single semi-solid body kept in place only by its mutual attraction, resulting a huge, planetoid wobbling (see the motion lines!) at the crown of good governor's skull! In the next logical step, the hair will begin attracting extraneous matter into its gravity well, eventually creating a Hair Black Hole that will destroy us all. We must isolate him in a gravity-free containment cell before it is too late!
OK, this one isn't about Blago's hair at all (and deserves some kind of Medal of Restraint for that decision). And sure, it's all fun and games to depict the sinister governor in handcuffs, but we need to ask: Did so much attention really need to be spent on the way his pants bunch up around his ass? With that, I wish you a happy weekend of thinking about Blago's buttocks!