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A Children's Treasury of CPAC Stupidity: the Final Chapter

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Today was probably our last day at CPAC, an awful concentration camp of concentrated awfulness. But every winding Ron Paul book-signing line has to end somewhere, and we're sure these folks are glad to be rid of us too. So here's the last account of this crap, starring George Allen, Pam Geller, and a Joe Biden sex toy.

Here is what was in those bags on the table: A squishy Joe Biden. Why does this exist? Must be some sort of hate-masturbation sex toy, one that's easy on old orifices.

We asked George Allen which he preferred: democracy or Israel. "Both," he said. But if you could have just one? "Both."

Here's Pam Geller in the middle of a GZ Mosk tirade. We gave her a list of seven religions and asked her to rank them from the one she would most like to see have a community center somewhat close to Ground Zero to the least. She refused, so the terrorists lost.

The Mosk panel had a spread of nachos, soft pretzels, soda, and candy bars, because it would be indecent to let a vegetable hummus platter get near family members of 9/11 victims. Here's the optimal eating strategy: a tower of pretzels in a river of cheese, a tower knocked down by a Muslim-hater EATING IT ALIVE.

Because if Fair Tax hasn't been successful all these years, a tube of lip balm will certainly turn things around.

We were handed this book. We suspect it is aimed perfectly at the reading level of most of these attendees.

See you at CPAC next year! Just kidding, none of you are interested in gouging your eyes out.

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Tough week for Suzanne Israel Tufts, the nice Trump campaign lady with no experience doing investigations who was almost appointed to oversee, or at least overlook, the Interior Department's four ongoing investigations into Ryan Zinke's "ethics," for want of a better word. Not only did she not get that nice job as acting inspector general after the media got hold of the story and everyone said it stank to high heaven, but Tufts, who had been employed at the Department of Housing and Urban Development, suddenly up and quit that job too late Friday. Pour out a 40 (gallon barrel of industrial waste, into a poor community's water source) for her, won't you?

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Once again, the Trump administration is coming after birth control. Specifically, they are looking to issue rules that would roll back the Affordable Care Act mandate that requires that most employers provide insurance that covers it, which would leave god knows how many women across the country without access. The administration had previously attempted to eliminate this mandate last year, but said attempt was blocked by two federal judges on the grounds that doing so would cause "serious and irreparable harm."

But now they're trying again, because forcing people to have unwanted children just seems like a really fantastic time to them, I guess. If these rules manage to get passed, and if the Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade as it is expected to, the Right will soon be closer than ever to the future filled with barefoot and pregnant women making them sandwiches that they have always dreamed of. For the rest of us, it will be a pretty shitty time.

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