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Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and you are probably thinking "ooh I just clicked on this post HARD because I want to know about the Brazilian pastor and his holy peen milk" and we hate to break it to you, but it's not true. The number two story of the week, FOR SOME REASON, was this thing we wrote in 2013, about a Brazilian pastor and his holy peen sperm milk, which turned out to be fakity fake fake, which NEVER HAPPENS AT WONKETTE. It just happened this one time, in 2013, because we do not speak Brazilianese and hey, nobody is perfect. But SOMEBODY posted it on Facebook this week, or on Tinder, we're not quite sure, and it got eleventy million page views, so, because this is an honest and ethical top ten list, we are being honest about how it was the number two story of the week. If you are the person who posted it, please come forward so Wonkette can give you a spanking right on your bottom.


Now, we will count down the top stories in a second, but first we need to ask you a very important question about whether you will give us money. Will you give us money, $5 to be exact? Because you love us and we love you and also every single Wonkette likes to eat food and live indoors, so help us continue doing all that! So won't you support our continued indoor living and food-eating, by throwing us $5? It is a bargain to love us so much.

WE WILL WAIT WHILE YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT.

(still waiting)

Okay, now that's out of the way, here are your top ten posts of the week, as chosen by science. If you've already read them, read them again!

1. That story about the nice white dad, Troy Goode, who mysteriously died in police custody in Southaven, Mississippi, clearly struck a nerve, and is the number one story of the week and one of the biggest Wonk stories of the year. We'll be talking about this more in coming days, but we've got a problem with the way police work is done in America, y'all. It didn't used to be this way.

2. Seriously. Brazilian peen milk. Hey, go give it more traffic, it was funny at least!

3.We can verify with 100% journalistic accuracy that the cast of "Fox & Friends" is stupid as all hell. Go watch them try to answer the question, "How do sharks work?"

4. Weird how military recruiters aren't enthused about being "protected" by militia types who accidentally shoot shit.

5. There's this new poll about how Republicans are starting to realize they suck really hard, and we were very surprised by how well this story did! Not that it wasn't beautiful and amazing, but wow, you guys really love posts about polls! We promise to remember and give you more posts like that.

6. The Duggars are real sad how God canceled their TV show. They thought they knew His plan! But they didn't, because He don't love them no more.

7. Editrix "Rebecca The Donkette" had to explain to Gawker the question, "Journalism. How does IT work?"

8. It was so surprising to find out that the Lafayette shooter was a teabaggin', gay-hatin', Hitler-lovin' crazy.

9. Rachel Maddow had to use itty bitty words to explain to Rick Santorum's dumb brain the question, "Civics? How do THEY work?"

10. The people who use the Ashley Madison website to do gross cheaty whore sex behind their spouses' backs might have their information exposed by hackers. Sad, we guess?

So there you go, Wonkers. We taught you very important things this week, and now you know how sharks, civics and journalism work, and you even got a healthy serving of fake Brazilian holy pastor peen milk to go with your Sunday brunch. DON'T SAY WE NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR YOU.

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette! While you're at it, you should follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.

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Oh, and you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are t-shirts and coffee cups, the Bernie Sanders t-shirt right below this paragraph, and even PANTIES WITH TEETH. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie! Editrix Rebecca would like to reassure everyone that, even though she has taken her maternity leave, she is still ready and willing to send you all of the things you decide to buy.

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more. We are not opposed to that!

Okay, now we are going to go cook food for our Mommy, for her birthday, because we love her very much, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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