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A Full Report On Andrew Breitbart Touching Boys At the 9/12 Death Picnic

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We have been trying to suppress our memories of the recent 9/12 FreedomWorks death picnic, but you know what they say, if you don't come out and talk about it, one day you'll just snap. So we have transcribed some of our timestamped notes ("live-blogging on paper") and uploaded a few pics. Let the healing begin, maybe.


12:13 - At least 1,000,000 people here already. Probably even more. Press check-in people did not even ask for ID. What if we were secretly Maureen Dowd? They would never know.

12:16 - LaRouchies arrive with their usual Obama Hitler 'stache flag. Nothing to see here ...

12:17 - Fat man with a megaphone chanting U-S-A, U-S-A. Wow he is fat.

12:18 - The mob is marching in, singing O-Bama, O-Bama, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye. Oh dear.

12:19 - Oh look the famous FreedomWorks sign WE WANT LESS, LESS IS MORE. We're glad that showed up.

12:20 - Crazy old man shouts every ten seconds, "Obama makes Carter look smarter!" Gets a few laughs but needs a new act.

12:24 - Lady notices your Wonkette correspondent's press credentials. Wrongly assumes we are "writing for FreedomWorks." Close?

12:27 - Man dressed like Ben Franklin in drag shoves a teapot in our face and screams, "You want some stimulus? HA HA HA!" Monsters.

12:30 - We are now trolling the VIP Section, a special roped-off pig pen for the people on scooters. This is also the section for the VIP cardboard signs: "Hey Obama -- Looks like you could use a good cup of Shut The Hell Up"; "What's in YOUR wallet? Wait a sec ... That's MY wallet!"

12:31 - More chants of U-S-A, this time accompanied by a Teabagger War Bongo. Needs more cowbell.

12:33 - New favorite sign: "Push all the Democrats off the cliff in 2010!" What?

12:33 - Another: "Americans WON'T shut up and get out of the way." What?

12:36 - And another: "Obamacare is PAINFUL." This one is decorated with a syringe, and glitter.

12:37 - We are feeling very uncomfortable. Some old lady just gave us the stink eye and yelped, "That's right, honey." Please leave us alone.

12:38 - There is a fraud in the crowd. His sign says "Obama is a gay alien," and he has infiltrated this rally so that the Media will report that these freedom-loving Americans are actually homophobic against UFOs. A fat man wants your Wonkette correspondent to "expose" this infiltrator. Okay!

12:46 - Oh wow the FreedomWorks DJ just turned on his iTunes. We are now listening to John Mellencamp's "R.O.C.K. in The U.S.A." People are actually dancing to this crap.

12:50 - Dude is still screeching, "Obama makes Carter look smarter." He probably spent all day thinking that one up, and just can't let go.

12:55 - Southern Gentleman approaches us. "Y'all the Press? Who you with?" "Wonkette." "Wonkette?" "It's an Al Jazeera politics blog." "Al Jazeera? Al Jazeera?"

12:56 - Sweet, sweet Jeebus. There is an ARMY of Colonial Williamsburg people, huddled around their tea kettles and muskets. The man with the fanciest tricorn hat belches, "Here's to our women, our wives and lovers! MAY THEY NEVER MEET!" Immense laughter from Molly Pitcher and the other Revolutionaries. What does that have to do with anything?

1:02 - We have retreated. A small child is carrying around a giant stuffed leopard.

1:07 - Now the MC is playing "Born in the U.S.A.," on his turntable. There are two giant HD teevees advertising Dick Armey's new tell-all sex memoir.

1:14 - Oh this Teabagger has string warts.

1:15 - Now the teevees are displaying Public Service announcements about Restrooms, Family Reunification Centers, Metro Stops.

... Uh, let's skip ahead ...

1:43 - Some lady gets up on the FreedomWorks stage and announces We have lost a Mom. Sue Taft? Where are you? Please report to Family Reunification. Your son is very worried about you.

1:48 - New Favorite Sign Alert: "I would rather be a conservative nut job than a liberal with no NUTS or JOB. CLINGING TO MY GUNS AND BIBLE!!!" You win the afternoon, sir. God bless you and your 12 gauge.

.....

2:10 - Midget Man [What does this note mean?]

.....

2:22 - Some monster is on stage, explaining how he won't apologize for believing in American Exceptionalism. And why does he have a guitar? Oh, because he is singing songs about white people. Obviously the crowd is lovin' it.

Our notes abruptly end here. But so much more happened.

Mostly: Andrew Breitbart attacked us. How did this happen? Oh, we asked Mr. Breitbart for a picture, and then he noticed our Press badge and asked us, "Who you with?" We could have said AndrewBreitbart.com, but we didn't. We told the truth.

"Wonkette? THE SARCASTIC WEBSITE? Oh no. Oh no!" But then something strange happened. Instead of punching us in the mouth and walking away, Andrew Breitbart proclaimed that he would "dry hump" your correspondent, because "that's what you people want, right?" No?

Oh well.

We also got a photo with our Christian friend Erick Erickson. Liz Glover lost it though, or something. Erick Erickson was actually a gentleman. There's a moral here, somewhere (why won't Andrew Breitbart accept Jesus into his heart?).

UPDATE: Liz Glover has unearthed this weird Erickson moment:

Many thanks (again) to photojournalist Jeff Malet (visit him on the World Wide Web right here) for the Breitbart pix. Also thank you to Liz Glover and her teevee people.

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Donald Trump held another great big slob picnic in Orlando, Florida, last night, where he "announced" the "start" of his 2020 campaign, which will be exactly like his 2016 campaign except for the minor detail that he's actually been in the White House since 2017, which is really a bummer, man. Still, it's no reason he can't run as an outsider who vows to protect everyday Americans who believe he's just like them. The rally was a mishmash of the same damn shit he's said a million times before, and the rubes loved almost every minute of it except for the boring parts when he talked about stuff he's supposedly achieved in office, because not even his supporters care about trade policy or tariffs. They want an enemy, and they want to be told they and Trump will destroy that enemy together because they are the real Americans. So that's what Trump gave them, again and again, a feast of fear and resentment designed to get them to the polls. It was enough in 2016, and Trump thinks it'll do the job in 2020.

If there was anything new in the speech -- which was mostly Trump reading from a teleprompter, plus the expected weirdass asides -- nobody has identified it. He complained about the press and the crowd chanted "CNN sucks," and he explained what a threat to the nation Hillary Clinton is -- in fact, he mentioned her eight times during the 80-minute rant.

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