Donate

A Intern's Guiding to Humping and Fishing

A Craigslist poster has generously, ahem, laid out a field guide to Washington fucks. Not Washington fuckers -- Diamond Cab drivers, John Bolton, Bill Thomas -- but actual fucks: Specific recommendations as to who a young intern might knock boots with and why. Senators, Congressmen, and lobbyists get a thumbs up (if the appropriate anatomical appendage of approval here), in that order.


Continued after the jump...

There are specific warnings against "staffers and other lower level bureaucrats," who can't help you in your career and fucking them will "ruin your chances with one of the big three since it shows such poor judgment to be shacking up with these losers." (Where was this guide when Jessica Cutler* needed it, eh?) Also: DO NOT CROSS THE LESBIANS: "If you try to blackmail them with the suggestion that they took advantage of you...you will quickly find that you just pissed on the third rail." For the boys, it comes as no surprise that one's career is best furthered by Republican gays, as "the pickings are slimmer and a lot of them have a very in-your-face attitude about paying for their sexual gratification."

It's an instructive if not comprehensive guide. We happen to notice, for instance, that a whole category of potential trysts are left off the list: Journalists. Now, it's understandable why someone looking to maximize future earning potential might overlook Washington's vast assortment of reporters -- many of them are unattractive, for instance. More importantly, they're usually so worried about their own jobs they are highly unlikely to even acknowledge you might want one of your own. But, who knows, you might find yourself at Stetson's at 2AM with no else left to lie to. They've got corporate cards, you could do worse. Here's how we break down this subspecies:

Wire reporters: Do it very fast, but at least five times a day.

Political magazine reporters: Bend to the right or left.

Newsmagazine types: Come too late, have sex on a seventh grade level.

Cable correspondents: Desperate for viewers.

Newspaper reporters: Drop their load right away; few, if any, actually bury the lead.

Talking heads: Lips never stop moving.

Network anchors: Biggest pricks in town.

* And no, we're not going to reading for "The Washingtonienne," but you all have fun now. Let us know if Brian Wilson shows.

A guide for interns -- you're welcome [Craigslist]

$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc