A Poll Has Closed, But A Lifetime's Worth Of Comedy Magic Has Begun!
So voters in our poll overwhelmingly thought that Sen. George Allen is an ignorant ass:
We were rooting for option three, actually: a rebirth of old-time radio greats Burns and Allen. Come on, remember when The Fat Boys reinvented the Three Stooges in Disorderlies ? That was great! Why would this be any different?
To that end, we present Episode 1 of "The New Adventures of Burns and Allen: A Day At The United Nations." Read it after the jump.
The new Burns and Allen
Setting: The Secretary General's office inside the United Nations building in New York. SEC-GEN KOFI ANNAN opens the door and walks in with two men, CONRAD BURNS and GEORGE ALLEN.
ANNAN: Well, Senators, glad you could stop by today. It's a pleasure to finally meet you both.
ALLEN: And it's a pleasure to meet you , Bulongu. Welcome to America.
ANNAN: Excuse me?
ALLEN: Bulongu. I was referring to your bangs. That's what the Allen family calls bangs.
ANNAN: But I don't have --
BURNS: Let's cut the crap, buddy. Frankly, the Senate thinks you're doing a piss-poor job with this place. Piss-poor!
ANNAN: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but the United States isn't the only nation with a say here, you know.
BURNS: What's that supposed to mean? We got jurisdiction over you, pal. You might be based in New York, but federal law trumps state law.
ANNAN: Actually, the United Nations enjoys extranational status. Like an embassy.
ALLEN: Extranational ? No no no. You're in America now, Shabubu. Welcome to America.
ANNAN: Shabubu? Senator, I -
ALLEN: Your shoes, Mr. Secretary. I was complimenting your taste in footwear.
The door opens and in walks KENZO OSHIMA, Japan's ambassador to the United Nations.
OSHIMA: Mr Secretary, I -- Oh! Sorry to interrupt!
ALLEN: No, come on in, Bip Bap. Come on in, and welcome. Welcome to America.
ANNAN ( a little annoyed ): Allow me to introduce Senators George Allen and Conrad Burns.
OSHIMA: Greetings! What are you gentlemen doing here?
BURNS: The question is what you guys are doing here, shithead. I got the answer: Not a thing! You're not doing a goddammed thing!
ANNAN: Mr. Senator, I have to ask you to control your temper. This is a place for diplomacy
BURNS: Aw, horseshit. There's fires all over the world and you guys aren't putting out any of them! You're just a bunch of lazy firefighters!
ALLEN (to Oshima): Here's the thing, Ping Pong...
OSHIMA (to Annan): Ping Pong?
ANNAN (to Oshima): Don't ask. (to Burns and Allen) Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure meeting you, but I'm afraid I have to cut our visit short. We've got a lot to do tonight.
BURNS: Listen, fella. I'm the one wearing the cowboy hat here. I get to say when the meeting is over.
ALLEN: He's right, Nanoomu. That's the way it works in America. Welcome to America.
An aggravated ANNAN storms over to the door and opens it wide .
ANNAN: That is it. Good night , gentlemen.
BURNS: Aw, horseshit. (pause) Well, say goodnight, Georgie.
ALLEN: Ooga booga, Mr. Secretary. A grand and glorious ooga booga to you, and to the world.
The set goes dark. The end.