A Poll Has Closed, But A Lifetime's Worth Of Comedy Magic Has Begun!


So voters in our poll overwhelmingly thought that Sen. George Allen is an ignorant ass:

We were rooting for option three, actually: a rebirth of old-time radio greats Burns and Allen. Come on, remember when The Fat Boys reinvented the Three Stooges in Disorderlies? That was great! Why would this be any different?

To that end, we present Episode 1 of "The New Adventures of Burns and Allen: A Day At The United Nations." Read it after the jump.


The new Burns and Allen

Setting: The Secretary General's office inside the United Nations building in New York. SEC-GEN KOFI ANNAN opens the door and walks in with two men, CONRAD BURNS and GEORGE ALLEN.

ANNAN: Well, Senators, glad you could stop by today. It's a pleasure to finally meet you both.

ALLEN: And it's a pleasure to meet you, Bulongu. Welcome to America.

ANNAN: Excuse me?

ALLEN: Bulongu. I was referring to your bangs. That's what the Allen family calls bangs.

ANNAN: But I don't have --

BURNS: Let's cut the crap, buddy. Frankly, the Senate thinks you're doing a piss-poor job with this place. Piss-poor!

ANNAN: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but the United States isn't the only nation with a say here, you know.

BURNS: What's that supposed to mean? We got jurisdiction over you, pal. You might be based in New York, but federal law trumps state law.

ANNAN: Actually, the United Nations enjoys extranational status. Like an embassy.

ALLEN: Extranational? No no no. You're in America now, Shabubu. Welcome to America.

ANNAN: Shabubu? Senator, I -

ALLEN: Your shoes, Mr. Secretary. I was complimenting your taste in footwear.

The door opens and in walks KENZO OSHIMA, Japan's ambassador to the United Nations.

OSHIMA: Mr Secretary, I -- Oh! Sorry to interrupt!

ALLEN: No, come on in, Bip Bap. Come on in, and welcome. Welcome to America.

ANNAN (a little annoyed): Allow me to introduce Senators George Allen and Conrad Burns.

OSHIMA: Greetings! What are you gentlemen doing here?

BURNS: The question is what you guys are doing here, shithead. I got the answer: Not a thing! You're not doing a goddammed thing!

ANNAN: Mr. Senator, I have to ask you to control your temper. This is a place for diplomacy

BURNS: Aw, horseshit. There's fires all over the world and you guys aren't putting out any of them! You're just a bunch of lazy firefighters!

ALLEN (to Oshima): Here's the thing, Ping Pong...

OSHIMA (to Annan): Ping Pong?

ANNAN (to Oshima): Don't ask. (to Burns and Allen) Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure meeting you, but I'm afraid I have to cut our visit short. We've got a lot to do tonight.

BURNS: Listen, fella. I'm the one wearing the cowboy hat here. I get to say when the meeting is over.

ALLEN: He's right, Nanoomu. That's the way it works in America. Welcome to America.

An aggravated ANNAN storms over to the door and opens it wide.

ANNAN: That is it. Goodnight, gentlemen.

BURNS: Aw, horseshit. (pause) Well, say goodnight, Georgie.

ALLEN: Ooga booga, Mr. Secretary. A grand and glorious ooga booga to you, and to the world.

The set goes dark. The end.


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