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Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama's speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness. 

The President started off tugging at our Americana heartstrings, discussing teachers helping students, auto workers building cars, farmers making out like bankers in the new farm bill farming, and kids being able to get medicine because of health insurance. Nice little oblique reference to how Obamacare is working to start the night. Well done, Bamz. But of course he has to tell us how the state of the union is, knowing that ours was pretty drunk, even at the beginning of the speech. But Bamz brought it (all transcripts courtesy of The Washington Post):

Tonight this chamber speaks with one voice to the people we represent: It is you, our citizens, who make the state of our union strong.

We, you and us, make the union strong. Awwww. And we here at Wonket feel the same way about our readers -- you give us the strength to reach down into the tawdry depths of snark and make all the buttsechs jokes you can handle. SEEEEE -- Bamz is already making us better people.

Of course, then Obama had to highlight some of the greatness of the U.S. Americans under his reign:

  • The lowest unemployment rate in over five years;
  • A rebounding housing market
  • A manufacturing sector that's adding jobs for the first time since the 1990s
  • More oil produced -- more oil produced at home than we buy from the rest of the world, the first time that's happened in nearly twenty years
  • Our deficits cut by more than half;
  • For the first time in over a decade, business leaders around the world have declared that China is no longer the world's number one place to invest; America is.

Anyone else feel like jumping up and yelling, “America, Fuck Yeah!” Yeah, we did too, and almost spilled our whiskey, which is definitely a #SOTUfoul.

Obama then praised Congress for their one accomplishment in 2013, which was passing a budget.

Then, he started in on some red meat textured soy product for us liberals:

Today, after four years of economic growth, corporate profits and stock prices have rarely been higher, and those at the top have never done better. But average wages have barely budged. Inequality has deepened. Upward mobility has stalled. The cold, hard fact is that even in the midst of recovery, too many Americans are working more than ever just to get by; let alone to get ahead. And too many still aren't working at all.

Economic inequality, which sucks so hard. But the problem is that Congress also sucks so hard. If only there was something Obama could do on his own… sigh. Guess we’re screwed. BUT WAIT:

So wherever and whenever I can take steps without legislation to expand opportunity for more American families, that's what I'm going to do.

Hells yeah – Bamz is gonna totes ignore Congress and just do his own thang, which should be awesome! Wait a little and we get to see what that is.

Next, Obama embarrassed Speaker Boehner, noting that:

[H]ere in America, our success should depend not on accident of birth but the strength of our work ethic and the scope of our dreams. That's what drew our forebears here. It's how the daughter of a factory worker is CEO of America's largest automaker; how the son of a barkeeper is Speaker of the House…

Awww, isn’t that special. Of course, Obama went on to basically tear apart every Republican policy position known to man, but at least he did it with class.

He talked about making it easier for companies to insource jobs rather than outsource them.

And much to Snipy’s delight, he talked about patent reform, which sounds complicated but we have been assured that it is really important and so HOORAY OBAMA.

Next, he talked about energy. And while he noted that America’s fields are farting up plumes of natural gas, and we are drilling, baby, drilling, we are also going solar at record rates:

Every four minutes another American home or business goes solar, every panel pounded into place by a worker whose job can't be outsourced. Let's continue that progress with a smarter tax policy that stops giving $4 billion a year to fossil fuel industries that don't need it so we can invest more in fuels of the future that do.

Woo-hoo! That sounds like a good plan to us. But what about climate change? Will Obama not mention it, because he is Obipartisan? Hells no, motherfuckers -- remember, we have AwesomeBamz back:

But the debate is settled. Climate change is a fact. And when our children's children look us in the eye and ask if we did all we could to leave them a safer, more stable world, with new sources of energy, I want us to be able to say yes, we did.

And just to keep our multiple liberagasms going, Obama noted that we need immigration reform, so that all peoples can come to USA! USA! for good jobs and happinesses and all that. And then he called for unemployment insurance to be extended, and for more workforce training programs, and even better preschool programs for those kids that Nancy Pelosi didn’t personally abort in wombs across the country.

And then, Obama turned to the ladies. As if your libido could possibly be in check after all the goodness thus far, Bamz wanted you to know how very special you are. And by special, we mean that you should be treated like everyone else:

You know, today, women make up about half our workforce, but they still make 77 cents for every dollar a man earns. That is wrong, and in 2014, it's an embarrassment.

Women deserve equal pay for equal work.

BUT WAIT – THERE’S MORE:

You know, she deserves to have a baby without sacrificing her job. A mother deserves a day off to care for a sick child or sick parent without running into hardship. And you know what, a father does too. It is time to do away with workplace policies that belong in a "Mad Men" episode…. Because I believe when women succeed, America succeeds.

SO GOOD.

Can you handle any more goodness? Can you really? Bamz thinks you can. Not only does he care about women, but he cares about people making minimum wage. And because Congress, as noted beforehand, sucks hard, Bamz is gonna go all Executive Order on their asses:

In the coming weeks I will issue an executive order requiring federal contractors to pay their federally-funded employees a fair wage of at least $10.10 an hour because if you cook our troops' meals or wash their dishes, you should not have to live in poverty.

And Bamz wants Congress to get in the game, too. And just to stick it to Herman Cain and his failed 9-9-9 plan, Obama notes:

And [Senator] Tom Harkin and [Representative] George Miller have a bill to fix that by lifting the minimum wage to $10.10. It's easy to remember: 10.10.

Haha, remember how bad Herman Cain sucks? Yeah, he really sucks.

Then, Obama wants to make sure that people making a decent wage can retire, so he wants to have something called a “MyRA,” which he described as a saving mechanism that “encourages folks to build a nest egg.” We are not retirement experts, and all we have saved for retirement are our good bottles of whiskey, but this sounds like it could be a good thing, if Congress wants to, you know, do something about it.

Finally, at 8 million words in, or about 1/3 of the way through, Bamz brings the hammer down with Obamacare. He talked about how no one can be denied because of pre-existing conditions, how 9 million -- NINE MILLION -- people now have health insurance because of Obamacare, and how Republicans need to fucking quit fighting old battles. And this is where he FUCKING BROUGHT IT:

But let's not have another 40- something votes to repeal a law that's already helping millions of Americans…The first 40 were plenty. We all owe it to the American people to say what we're for, not just what we're against.

Hear that, Eric Cantor? Teabagging fucknuts? Give up already, because Obama won and you lost and damn it feels good to be a gangster liberal.

Obama also wants to making voting easier, which is exactly the opposite of what Republicans want. He wants Congress to fix the gutted Voting Rights Act, and wants to make sure that voters wait no more than 30 minutes to vote, or your pizza is free, we guess.

And then, just to drive the wingnuts absolutely bonkers, Obama renewed his call for sensible gun control. Yes, he is coming for your guns, and no, we won’t say anything because fuck you and your motherfucking gun fetish because there has been a school shooting every other day this year and that’s fucking awful.

Then, Obama turned outward and talked about foreign policy. He praised the troops, to much applause. He talked about how al-Qaida is on the road to defeat, deciding not to #humblebrag about killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands. And then he noted that sometimes you can do foreign policy without bombs and blowing shit back to the stone age, and that he is using diplomacy, also, too because he is a fucking master of all the forms of statecraft. Like with Iran and keeping them from getting The Bomb through talky talky rather than an $8 trillion World War Three clusterfuck. He gave a passing reference to closing Gitmo, which we still hope will happen.

And one lone person in the Capitol clapped when he mentioned ending extreme poverty in Africa.

Then, Obama transformed into the Drum Major we all knew he could be, and led the nation in a pep rally for the U.S. Olympic team, which – and we are not making this up – got the entire chamber to chant USA! USA! USA! It was kinda surreal, but we think just "shows leadership."

He ended the night by pointing out a soldier who was sitting with Michelle Obama. Cory Remsburg was injured on his tenth deployment in Afghanistan. TEN FUCKING DEPLOYMENTS HOLY FUCK THAT SHOULD NEVER EVER HAPPEN. Cory was injured by a massive roadside bomb, and lay in a coma for months before waking up and working his ass off every day to get stronger. While still blind in one eye, he has learned to walk again and “Day by day, he's learned to speak again and stand again and walk again, and he's working toward the day when he can serve his country again.”

This guy could both kick you ass and pull your heartstrings at the same time, and you would be a better person for it. The chamber gave a rousing round of applause, which is literally the least that Cory deserves, because he is the definition of a hero.

At this point, we were all pretty drunk, and there may have been a tear or 3 million in the seekrit chatcave. See, Obama made us better people. And he can make you better people, too. Yes, indeedy, our 2008 Oboner made a triumphant comeback, and we hope to put it to good use.

[Washington Post]

DDM will give his SOTU response via Twitter (@Wonksplainer).

DDM
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