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BREAKING NEWS, everyone, but wingnut conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, a pal of Donald Trump's, is one weird fuckin' goober. This is not news to Americans who read internet dot com on the regular, but Germany's Der Spiegel magazine did a profile of Jones, and there is indeed interesting new information in it! No, it is not about how Alex Jones believes Barack Obama did 9/11 with chemtrails or thinks Sandy Hook was a false flag mass shooting (he literally believes that), because again, American readers already know that!

Now we want to be clear, before we share this, that it was printed first in Der Spiegel, because as we all know, Wonkette's reputation suffered a near-fatal blow when Alex Jones labeled us as fake news. WE ARE NOT THE ORIGINATORS OF THIS STORY. Now feast on Alex Jones's Texas BBQ-flavored nipples, because this is a thing the nice German journalist had to experience at Jones's studios in Austin:

It's afternoon, and Jones is walking through the studio, his adrenaline level high and his blood sugar low. He needs to get something to eat. Platters of BBQ - chicken, beef and sausages - are set out on a table in the conference room. "Good barbecue," says Jones. "You tasted it already?"

Texas BBQ sucks, SCIENCE FACT.

He piles up food onto a plastic plate, and then he suddenly takes off his shirt without explanation. With his bare torso, he sits there and shovels meat into his mouth, a caricature of manliness, but also a show of power to the reporter sitting in front of him. He can do as he pleases.

That is not even a "caricature" of manly. That is a chunky conspiracy theorist guy sitting around naked with BBQ chicken and beef and sausage dribbling through the sea of fur that covers his shoulders, his nipple parts, and his love handles. He probably does that every night in bed too.

Then Jones gets up and holds out a sausage. "Wanna suck?" he asks.

Oh for Christ's sake, which sausage did he hold up? Was it HIS sausage or one of the sausages from the plate? No, we don't want to #FakeNews that thought into your head, surely he just wanted the nice German journalist to suck one of the sausages on the plate, because that's a normal interaction with a journalist!

There are other things in the Der Spiegel story, but you don't care, because you're busy throwing up right now.

If Wonkette didn't search the internet and find these stories for you, you wouldn't even be THINKING about Alex Jones's sticky naked body right now. THANK US, WITH A DONATION!

[Der Spiegel]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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