ABC Reports: Fifth, Possibly Sixth Seal Opened
ABC's investigative team, headed by Brian Ross and his Giant Cordless Phone of Importance, has a very important, not-fear-mongering-at-all story on how terrorists may or may not have added "mass chaos" to their Google Calendar agendas for tomorrow, a date calculated to cause the greatest psychological blow possible to Westerners. That's right: Bill Parcells' birthday. You may strike our cities, terrorists, but when you fuck with America's Team, you open up a world of hurt.
COWER IN FEAR AT THE SHOCKING EVIDENCE:
Internet websites have been full of speculation that it could be a target date for terrorists in commemoration of the return of the 12th imam, a supposed day of reckoning for Shiites.
Internet Websites! Speculation! Look, Brian Ross is talking to a high-level intelligence official on that giant phone as we speak -- and these officials can't confirm or deny that YOU SHOULD BE FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.
We, though, aren't worrying. Because there's no way Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wouldn't update his blog* before he unleashed the fury of a dying sun on the decadent West.
Is Tomorrow Doomsday? [ABC]
*If you are in Israel and use IE, don't click that link. Sorry.