Actual Live Human Being Emerges From Mommyblog Editrix's Abdomen
From Joanie: Cartoons for New Children, by G.B. Trudeau. Sheed and Ward, 1974. (VERY 1974)
Hey there, Donna Rose. We're awfully happy you're here. Like any number of Wonkette staff, you were just a tiny bit behind deadline, but close enough, and thank Crom you didn't churn out 1200 words that needed to be edited down to something more manageable. In fact, you're perfect -- no revisions needed. Once we slap a really SEO-refined headline on you, you'll be ready to go. And sorry, but we'll probably have to slot you in after some stupid 2016 presidential candidate whose name will be too obscure even for trivia games by the time you're old enough to vote.
Just look at you, being tiny, beautiful, and brand new!
Babies are terrific because they're all potential. Optimistic dummies that we are, we keep making the things, because we're fools enough to rationalize our biological need to procreate into a larger meaning for the ages. Oh, but when you're looking at that brand new little person, those grandiose hopes for the future don't feel like rationalizations at all. You're a little squirmy pooping bundle of potential, Donna Rose, and we can't wait to find out who you're going to be. And you'll be wonderful. Yes, even when you're fourteen and everything your mom and dad say is stupid and embarrassing. Feel free to roll your eyes, go to your room, and listen over and over to Willow Palin's retro-grunge anthem "My Mom's A Fucking Idiot" until you feel better.
I'm looking forward to meeting you from time to time. Would you believe your mom and dad asked me to click on a website and become a minister so I could pretend to marry them? That was mostly an act -- they'd already picked each other, and I was just there to fill in the picture. You'll want to get used to that sort of thing -- there's a lot of stuff you'll do in life that's a matter of playing pretend, like pledging allegiance to a flag, laughing at your parents' jokes even though you've heard them before, walking through your high school graduation, and remembering to call on Mother's Day (seriously, you forget that one and you'll be in big trouble). You might sometimes feel that voting falls into that category, too, but that one's worth taking at least somewhat seriously, even when the choices feel like bad jokes. Your Grandma definitely does. We're guessing your mom and dad will both have a lot of tips for you on the stuff that really matters, and the stuff that's just a formality. The main thing is to find the stuff that matters to you.
So as our favorite uncle (who we were never related to) said:
Hello Donna Rose. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, Donna, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, Donna -- "God damn it, you've got to be kind."
As we say, we're sure looking forward to meeting you. And feel free to chew on that book we sent you -- it was Kid Zoom's most-chewed book when he was little, which is about the best review a toddler can give.
Dok Zoom and all Yr other weird Wonkette aunts and uncles.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.