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Adorable Republican Tots Will Replace Failed Leaders In The Fall!

Want to PINCH the CHEEKSWhen the Republicans lose virtually every election they run in this November, they will take about two minutes to do some "somber soul-searching" before they elect a whole new generation of corrupt swine to replace the shameful failed old guard. But wait for the shocking twist: the new Republican leadership will have a least a few members who aren't ancient or gay. Meet your new Republican overlords, after the jump!


Virginia Rep. Eric Cantor: Chief deputy whip, contributes heavily to Republican candidates, made of an amalgam of wood chips and pine tar.

Florida Rep. Adam Putnam: Just 33 years old, mostly potty trained, Jim Newell's Bizarro twin.

Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan: Politico calls him "affable," which we assume means "slutty" or "mildly retarded."

California Rep. Kevin O. McCarthy: A mythical unicorn beast with 16 testicles and a California driver's license.

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Here's the kind of weird election year 2018 is: Democrat Tammy Baldwin, among the most progressive of the ten Democratic US senators from states won by Donald Trump, introduced a "Made in America Act" bill earlier this month. It would require federal infrastructure projects to use US-made steel, iron and other products, and Donald Trump is an enthusiastic supporter. Even says he'll sign it. But both of the Republican Senate candidates from Wisconsin -- who otherwise insist they love, love, love Trump the most -- have staked out positions against the bill, because, um, well, a Democrat introduced it, so populist made-in-America legislation is probably secret socialism. America Not First if it's a demmycrat idea!

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You know what? It has been a LONG week, and I think we all need and deserve something cheerful for our Saturday open thread! Right? Right.

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