Adorable Republican Tots Will Replace Failed Leaders In The Fall!
When the Republicans lose virtually every election they run in this November, they will take about two minutes to do some "somber soul-searching" before they elect a whole new generation of corrupt swine to replace the shameful failed old guard. But wait for the shocking twist: the new Republican leadership will have a least a few members who aren't ancient or gay. Meet your new Republican overlords, after the jump!
Virginia Rep. Eric Cantor: Chief deputy whip, contributes heavily to Republican candidates, made of an amalgam of wood chips and pine tar.
Florida Rep. Adam Putnam: Just 33 years old, mostly potty trained, Jim Newell's Bizarro twin.
Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan: Politico calls him "affable," which we assume means "slutty" or "mildly retarded."
California Rep. Kevin O. McCarthy: A mythical unicorn beast with 16 testicles and a California driver's license.