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Adulterous Traitor Gen. David Petraeus Sorry For Sticking His State Secrets In His Girlfriend's Lady Hole

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This never gets old


We thought we'd heard the last of our own laughter at the disgraced former director of the CIA, all-the-stars Gen. David Petraeus, after he agreed to plead guilty in March of this year, in exchange for a little slap-and-tickle on the wrist. KINKY. What was it he was guilty of? Oh, that's right, side-banging his subordinate "biographer" girlfriend Paula Broadwell (not her porn name) and murmuring the secret launch codes into her ears. The kind of undermining of national security and betrayal of his oath of office to the United States of America that would land some ordinary jackass in prison, but since True American Patriots still believe Petraeus is a hero for winning the war in Iraq (good god, EYE ROLL SO HARD), and they pay dollars American to listen to him say words -- and some of them think maybe he was even framed! -- he was able to afford the fancy kind of lawyers to keep his sweet ass out of prison. How nice for him.

But lo! What is this? It is Gen. Petraeus, come out of hiding to give Hawt War Tips to the Senate Armed Services Committee. But first:

"I think it is appropriate to begin my remarks this morning with an apology ... one that I have offered before, but nonetheless one that I want to repeat to you and to the American people [...]

"Four years ago, I made a serious mistake," he said. "There is nothing I can to do to undo what I did. I can only say again how sorry I am to those I let down, and then strive to go forward with a greater sense of humility and purpose, and with gratitude to those who stood with me during a very difficult chapter in my life."

Awwww. So glad he's sorry about that, still. Quick question: Is there a statute of limitations on how long a guy has to apologize for betraying his own country, to get some extramarital strange? Does he get to stop being sorry after, say, five years? If so, maybe he can be the great savior of the Republican Party and swoop in to run for president, like Fox News dickhead Roger Ailes had planned all along! What timing!

Amazing, really, how despite his conviction, Petraeus remains a trusted adviser on How To Do War Stuff because of how, you know, TRAITOR. What's he going to recommend the Army do, team up with al Qaeda? Ha ha ha ha -- wait, what?

Members of al Qaeda’s branch in Syria have a surprising advocate in the corridors of American power: retired Army general and former CIA Director David Petraeus.

The former commander of U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan has been quietly urging U.S. officials to consider using so-called moderate members of al Qaeda’s Nusra Front to fight ISIS in Syria, four sources familiar with the conversations, including one person who spoke to Petraeus directly, told The Daily Beast.

Sure, why not? We've only spent the last 14 years Never Forgetting how al Qaeda is worse than Nazis, but maybe there are moderate al Qaeda terrorists, like how there were moderate Nazis, because hey, that's how the CIA used to do, in the old-timey days.

Good thing Petraeus is sorry for all that stuff so we can put it behind us and get back to thinking he's some kind of True American Hero instead of a criminal traitor to his country.

[CNN / Daily Beast]

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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