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Adulterous Traitor Gen. David Petraeus Sorry For Sticking His State Secrets In His Girlfriend's Lady Hole

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This never gets old


We thought we'd heard the last of our own laughter at the disgraced former director of the CIA, all-the-stars Gen. David Petraeus, after he agreed to plead guilty in March of this year, in exchange for a little slap-and-tickle on the wrist. KINKY. What was it he was guilty of? Oh, that's right, side-banging his subordinate "biographer" girlfriend Paula Broadwell (not her porn name) and murmuring the secret launch codes into her ears. The kind of undermining of national security and betrayal of his oath of office to the United States of America that would land some ordinary jackass in prison, but since True American Patriots still believe Petraeus is a hero for winning the war in Iraq (good god, EYE ROLL SO HARD), and they pay dollars American to listen to him say words -- and some of them think maybe he was even framed! -- he was able to afford the fancy kind of lawyers to keep his sweet ass out of prison. How nice for him.

But lo! What is this? It is Gen. Petraeus, come out of hiding to give Hawt War Tips to the Senate Armed Services Committee. But first:

"I think it is appropriate to begin my remarks this morning with an apology ... one that I have offered before, but nonetheless one that I want to repeat to you and to the American people [...]

"Four years ago, I made a serious mistake," he said. "There is nothing I can to do to undo what I did. I can only say again how sorry I am to those I let down, and then strive to go forward with a greater sense of humility and purpose, and with gratitude to those who stood with me during a very difficult chapter in my life."

Awwww. So glad he's sorry about that, still. Quick question: Is there a statute of limitations on how long a guy has to apologize for betraying his own country, to get some extramarital strange? Does he get to stop being sorry after, say, five years? If so, maybe he can be the great savior of the Republican Party and swoop in to run for president, like Fox News dickhead Roger Ailes had planned all along! What timing!

Amazing, really, how despite his conviction, Petraeus remains a trusted adviser on How To Do War Stuff because of how, you know, TRAITOR. What's he going to recommend the Army do, team up with al Qaeda? Ha ha ha ha -- wait, what?

Members of al Qaeda’s branch in Syria have a surprising advocate in the corridors of American power: retired Army general and former CIA Director David Petraeus.

The former commander of U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan has been quietly urging U.S. officials to consider using so-called moderate members of al Qaeda’s Nusra Front to fight ISIS in Syria, four sources familiar with the conversations, including one person who spoke to Petraeus directly, told The Daily Beast.

Sure, why not? We've only spent the last 14 years Never Forgetting how al Qaeda is worse than Nazis, but maybe there are moderate al Qaeda terrorists, like how there were moderate Nazis, because hey, that's how the CIA used to do, in the old-timey days.

Good thing Petraeus is sorry for all that stuff so we can put it behind us and get back to thinking he's some kind of True American Hero instead of a criminal traitor to his country.

[CNN / Daily Beast]

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