Affirmative Inaction

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn't. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.

This week: where are the prudes and minorities? Also, stripping.

So, are all lobbyists fag hags, or just the really slutty ones?

This is actually kind of a tough question, because I'm not sure it breaks down in terms of slutty/not slutty. I mean, I doubt the super right-wing anti-gay-marriage "sodomites are going to hell" kind of lobbyists are all having brunch at Perry's and making nice with the friends of Dorothy, but that doesn't mean they're not shagging their little Republican (and other male Republicans') brains out on Saturday nights, either. Some of the super-religious ones, maybe, but even those you've got a 50-50 shot with at a minimum, if the LNS boards are anything to go by.

As for the non-slutty lobbyists... Wait, there are lobbyists who aren't (or, at least weren't prior to marriage) at least a little slutty? Um, I can think of a couple I guess, but it's hurting my head to think that hard. I don't know if they hang with tons of gay men because, when I am hanging out with my gay friends we tend to think we're the center of the universe. Presumably there are some nice, quiet, unassuming, non-slutty but open-minded girl-lobbyist types around that have lots of nice, quiet gay friends, but I don't really know those kinds of people socially.

Is it really a white man's world on Capitol Hill? What is the percentage of minorities working as lobbyists? How does an Asian American male survive in that white man's lobbyist world?

If you want to know if Capitol Hill is "really" a white man's world, look at this picture of Congress being sworn in back in January or, I don't know, visit Capitol Hill, and then ask me another stupid/obvious question.

And, what, do lobbying disclosure forms now come with an ethnicity section? Do I like math? I have no idea what the percentage of non-white lobbyists is in Washington. Let's just say: it's low, obviously. Like every other major employer in this great Chocolate City, if you visit any lobbying firm in town, you'll likely be greeted at reception by a person of African descent, a striking percentage of administrative staff you'll encounter will be African-American, and hardly any of a firm's professional/managerial staff will be anything but lily-white.

And, as for how an Asian-American man survives being a lobbyist in a white man's world, it's not like they all go out hunting down the minorities and hazing them or something. There are some around, sure, and they act like the rest of us and get their jobs done, like minorities everywhere else in this county. Surviving's not the problem, hon, it's getting the job in the first place.

So, I used to want to be a stripper when I grew up, until I realized that I am uncoordinated, have little patience for gropey old men and didn't like other strippers. Now I've decided to become a lobbyist, but I have no idea how to go about that. Help, me, please. I don't want to be just the clumsy, antisocial stripper again.

I can't really help you. If you don't like gropey old men, this is probably not the career for you. I mean, lots of lobbyists hate the other lobbyists and/or staffers and/or the Members, and we're all truly nerdy (which often equates to being uncoordinated), but if the thought of old men staring at your tits gives you the heebie-jeebies, then you need to buy yourself a minimizer, get a shitload of turtlenecks and get yourself a job in insurance claims processing.

When my brother began at OMB, he assumed that he would have an easy move to a lobbying job, having also worked for a Senator, but now realizes that now is not the best time to make that move. My question is: how long do you think he will have to wait before he might be able to get a lobbying job? Or, is he just screwed? What is a government appointee to do if not turn around and lobby?

Well, sorry to say, your brother is pretty much hosed. The secret to administration gigs is getting in early and then getting out while the getting is good, or else getting in and just riding that gravy train until the end of the term and getting the hell out of Dodge when the next President comes in. The problem with a lot of appointees in this administration is that they drank a ton of Karl's Kool Aid (or else, naturally, they wouldn't have gotten appointed in the first place, because only the rabid believers got to come to this particular party) so, in their minds, the Republican majority was solid, Democrats were incompetents and getting out was the ultimate disloyalty. Suckers.

As for what he should do, I have no idea. Isn't he just supposed to resign to spend more time with his family, walk off to near-oblivion and then suck it walking precincts for some idiot Congressional candidate to help Karl take back "his" majority? I thought everyone got the same script these days.


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