Ainsley Earhardt Worried Coronavirus Will Negatively Impact Her Beauty Regimen
"Fox & Friends" continued its gripping coverage today of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. The panel was literally discussing the 3.28 million new jobless claims filed this week, when the pride of Spartanburg, South Carolina, Ainsley Earhardt, broke in to make sure viewers weren't losing sight of what's truly important right now.
EARHARDT: All the bills that are stacking up at my apartment. We gotta think about that kind of thing.
Not really. Earhardt is still receiving her absurdly large salary. She didn't suddenly lose her job in the gibberish-making industry. Presumably, she can still pay her bills online. If she cared about the environment, she'd have gone paperless long before this.
EARHARDT: If you bought clothing before all this happened, if you want to return it. Are stores going to waive that 30-day period when you can get your money back if you need to return something?
Don't worry, some stores have extended their return dates. However, many others think you can just keep your coronavirus-infected blouse. A store clerk doesn't need to die because you had second thoughts.
Earhardt then shared with her co-hosts Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade the true horror show that awaits them. They're stuck in their houses for the next few months as their spouses slowly turn into The Fly. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
EARHARDT: People are staying home. Y'all don't think about this, guys, but — this is not a priority — women have to get their hair done. I saw someone tweet out, “You're gonna see what color our real hair is because our roots are gonna grow in."
Earhardt and I grew up roughly 30 miles from each other. I guess she didn't know any of the women in my neighborhood who had a home salon in the only bathroom in their house. I still remember the smell of the hot comb on the stove, and I knew enough to never mention the box of Dark and Lovely in the medicine cabinet.
EARHARDT: All my friends are saying — this is not a priority, people are dying and I realize that — but they can't get their nails done!
I think what people worry about during a global pandemic demonstrates their priorities. It's a bummer that well-off women can't have a relaxing afternoon at the beauty parlor, but it really sucks that all the people who work there can't make rent. Their roots are coming in gray, but a color touchup is only going to solve part of the problem.
Again, where I grew up, women filed and painted their own nails. How useless is Earhardt and all her friends if they can't just dig out a nail clipper and some Cutex?
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It probably violates social distancing protocols for Earhardt to keep using her Fox News-assigned personal stylist. I wonder if she's just proactively warning viewers that in a few weeks, it'll be hard to distinguish her from Kilmeade and Doocy. “Fox & Friends" will just shift to a podcast format. Meanwhile, working people are rationing ramen.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).