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Al Qaeda Nearly Killed Us All With Sinister Salad Bar Plot

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  • Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula -- the same folks who brought you Printer Cartridge Bombs -- flirted briefly with the idea of POISONING SALAD BARS at hotels and restaurants, according to U.S. officials! Yes, this plot would have killed millions of diabetic, salad-loving Americans. Every motel lobby would have been littered with obese corpses, their mouth holes stuffed with tainted croutons and cyanide tomatoes. (This silly terrorist attack would have killed one or two bulimic vegans, and maybe a yoga instructor or something, tops.) Officials say this Threat is "months old, and that it was more in the nature of a discussion of 'tactics' than an actual plot," but you should definitely still be suspicious of salad and vegetables in general. Ergo, the safest place for you and your family to enjoy a nice Christmas meal is the IHOP Denny's minimart across the street from your foreclosed condo. [CNN]
  • Twenty-five percent of students who try to join the U.S. Army fail its entrance exam, according to "The Education Trust," which may or may not be a real trust. And now our shitty public schools are officially a "national security burden." Maybe this means public education will finally receive the money it so desperately needs? [AP]


  • California will be swept into the ocean by a giant mudslide. Stay safe, West Coast people! [AP/NYT]

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