boner boner boner boner boner

Did Republican Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley make bone-sexes with a young adviser lady what was not his wife? MAYBE! Is he sorry for making the sex-boners, even though he says he did not have a "physical affair" with that woman? VERY TRULY MUCH SORRY!

Let's sex-splore:

Gov. Robert Bentley today admitted to making "inappropriate" remarks two years ago but denied he had "sexual activity" with an adviser.

Bentley made the admission just hours after the fired former Secretary of Alabama Law Enforcement claimed the governor was involved in an extramarital affair.

Spencer Collier, who was fired Tuesday, has come forward with claims that he heard a recording that indicates the governor had an improper personal relationship with political adviser Rebekah Mason, and that Bentley refused to end the relationship even though it cost him his marriage to Dianne Bentley.

UH OH SOUNDS LIKE SOME DICKERY POKERY! But he swore during his press conference Wednesday afternoon that he did not sex her with his penis, only with his mind:

I am truly sorry. I accept full responsibility. I want everyone to know, though, that I have never had a physical affair with Mrs. Mason. [...]

And at no time have I ever used the resources of my office to facilitate a relationship of any type.

So what DID happen, #GovernorFact? Who's this lady anyway? (NOTE: Our questions in the following section are dick-jokier versions of what actual reporters asked him):

She is my closest aide, or one of my aides, that is part of my leadership team. And she does an outstanding job. She has worked for me in various capacities. In fact, she has been with me the entire time -- before I was elected governor.

Okeydoke. You've been Not Boning for YEARS. Do you Not Bone your boy aides and say sexes to them about their tits 'n' ass?

I made a mistake. Two years ago, I made a mistake. I have rectified that. I have dealt with that. And we have moved on.

AND THAT MISTAKE WAS? Not a "physical relationship," of course. What it was, guv'nah?

I'm apologizing for the things that I said.


Whatever's been recorded.

Like maybe things about her vagina and nipples and how much he likes to Do Penises to them?

I'm just saying that I'm sure that I have -- at that time I said some inappropriate things, and I know that I did that. And I'm just apologizing for that to her, and I've apologized to my family and to the state of Alabama.

Does he love the lady he did not have physical bonetime with, just spiritually and mentally and pffffft it's already forgiven by Jesus so YOLO?

I love many members of my staff, in fact all the members of my staff. Do I love more than I do others, you know, some more than others? Absolutely.

We do not want to know the 50 ways he loves his staff, honestly.

One more thing: Did this REALLY have nothing to do with your divorce from one Ms. Dianne Bentley?

I don't have any comment on that.

[contextly_sidebar id="9iIAyDHOiFxpRGXMxGhIOtXZzQKSAWPb"]See? It's all good. No extra-marital funsies happened, nothing to see here, peace out. Guess this is why ol' Dianne got their beach house in the divorce, zing! (Also, maybe why Bentley was so excited about using BP oil spill moneys to renovate the official, hurricane-damaged Governor's Beach Mansion.)

So this Spencer Collier feller, what started the sexxxytime allegations train a-whistlin'. He says he was privy to sexts and audio recordings between the good guv'nah and Ms. Mason. This is the discussion he says he heard them have about one time they made southern fried fucksex to, on and about each other:

The tape, purportedly created by a Bentley family member hoping for an "intervention," left no doubt about the relationship, he said.

"'If we're gonna do what we did yesterday we're going to have to lock that door,'" Collier says Mason said.

The governor responded, Collier maintains, with improper comments about "her breasts and behind."

Collier says when he confronted Gov. Bentley about tilling Ms. Mason's Alabama Clay, that Bentley admitted it and was all, "Well I'll be, I'll stop doin' that, Scout's honor!" And Collier says he warned the governor that he would not lie for him too!

But the Gov says none of that happened, no boners about it, so BFD. At the end of Bentley's presser, he asked Alabama to forgive him for he hath sinned, but again, not with his penis:

You know, let me say this. I make mistakes. Even the most trusted person on earth makes mistakes. That's one of the great things in my life that I feel that, as a human being, I do make mistakes. The most wonderful thing that I have, that, in my life, is that I truly believe that the god who loves me loves me even through the mistakes. And He uses those. And He uses even difficult times in our lives, like I've been going through. And He's going to use those to make me better and to make other people around me better. And so that's how I look at it.

SO IN OTHER WORDS, the God he worships is a good and forgiving God, who knows how to turn the other cheek when the Alabama Republican governor unleashes a jizz whirlwind in the direction of young blonde lady staffers what are not his wife, ALLEGEDLY, like that even happened. Because it totally didn't!

Anyway, he is #SorryNotSorry for #FuckinNotFuckin that lady, for Thine is the Kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever, AMEN, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

[ / again]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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