Alabama Sends Roy Moore Back To Mall-Cruising Duty
Mall-cruising pervert and racist creep Roy Moore will not have his desired rematch with Sen. Doug Jones. Alabama Republicans soundly rejected Moore, who is projected to come in a distant fourth in Tuesday's Senate primary. This is a blow to Democrats who believed Jones's best shot at keeping his seat was Republicans being dumb enough to nominate Moore again.
It's not yet decided who Jones will face in November. Trump's former attorney general and favorite punching bag, Jeff Sessions, tried to get his old job back, but he placed second behind former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville. The upside for Sessions is that six other candidates were running and they weren't all Roy Moore. Tuberville was unable to win a majority, so Sessions will advance with him to a runoff election later this month. Trump won Alabama by 27 points. He's still incredibly popular in a state that occasionally makes Roy Moore its Republican nominee for Senate. Four years ago, Sessions snubbed Ted Cruz and endorsed Trump just before Super Tuesday, but Trump doesn't remember (or pay) his debts. He only harbors grudges. Sessions wouldn't serve as his personal lawyer, like a common Bill Barr, so Trump will continue to publicly humiliate Sessions whenever it's convenient. This morning was very convenient.
We guess Trump's saying Sessions should not count on his endorsement. He's tap danced for Trump's pleasure during this race, hoping the president at the very least wouldn't openly sabotage his political comeback. It was embarrassing. You could almost feel sorry for Sessions if you're the kind of person who pities tiny racists. That ain't me. I'm laughing my ass off.
Sessions represented Alabama in the Senate for 20 years, but none of that matters in a primary race that's all about how much the candidates love Donald Trump. Sessions claimed last week that he was Trump's "No. 1 supporter," which is a problem when Trump obviously disagrees and says so all the time. Sessions also vows to serve as a "Warrior for Truth." That's just asking for trouble. He might as well just say he'd have voted to convict Trump during his impeachment trial. The modern GOP is only interested in "Warriors for Trump."
Tuberville dropped campaign spots that sounded like truck ads. The "Christian conservative" proclaimed that "God sent us Donald Trump," which, if you've read the Book of Job, does sound like something God might do for sick thrills.
TUBERVILLE: I'm gonna stand with President Donald Trump on building the wall. I'm not looking for a career. I'm looking to help save this country with Donald J. Trump.
Doug Jones won the Alabama special election for Senate by a little more than a percentage point. It was a miracle born in a shopping mall. Tuberville might happily polish Trump's ass until it shines, but the rivalry between Auburn University and the University of Alabama is huge. Jones rolled with the crimson tide, so maybe that will help some voters overlook that he's a Democrat who voted to remove Trump from office.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).