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During his tenure in office, George Bush created more than a housing bubble: he also fostered an "employment bubble" for high-functioning idiots, who were awarded fancy jobs in his administration and have since departed in shame and ignominy. Exhibit A: the hapless cretin, unemployed loser, and only Bush administration toady not to get a zillion dollars for his tell-all autobiography, Alberto Gonzales.


In a SHOCKING INTERVIEW, Gonzales revealed that he is, in fact, capable of human emotions such as remorse and pity, so long as they're for himself.

During a lunch meeting two blocks from the White House, where he served under his longtime friend, President George W. Bush, Mr. Gonzales said that "for some reason, I am portrayed as the one who is evil in formulating policies that people disagree with. I consider myself a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror."

Truly, no mortal has suffered more than Al Gonzales, the human bag of dicks. He had to testify, before Congress, and they were so mean to him. Then he had to resign from his office and he didn't get even get a Medal of Freedom like all the other criminals. And now he is writing a book about his life as Handjobber in Chief, a book that absolutely zero people will ever read.

Alberto Gonzales ... said he is writing a book to set the record straight about his controversial tenure as a senior official in the Bush administration. [...] Mr. Gonzales, 53 years old, doesn't have a publisher for his book. He said he is writing it if only "for my sons, so at least they know the story."

Too bad there aren't any sexy parts, except for the bit where he and Andy Card went to the hospital to rape John Ashcroft while he was under sedation, wearing a paper dress. Nobody wants to read that, except Lynne Cheney.

Gonzales Defends Role in Antiterror Policies [Wall Street Journal]

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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...

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SCARED!

In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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