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Allen West Does Hilarious Allen West Impression, Will Murder U.N. With Bald Eagle Of Death

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Oh, man, Allen West gave us one helluva knee-slapper yesterday. The president addressed the United Nations, so logically West had to address Facebook. And he decided to give us a treat! Not only did he offer some commentary on the speech, but he also did a rip-roaring impression of himself that is such a good joke we only need to give it to you.


Allen West's proposed revision to Obama's U.N. address:

“The future does not belong to those who attack our Embassies and Consulates and kill our Ambassadors. The Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle will visit you and wreak havoc and destruction upon your existence.”

Take THAT, diplomacy!

For all you folks who say West should be president, this is surely only the tip of the humor iceberg that he would unleash from the Oval Office — good call! West managed to nail a pretty spot-on impression of a maniacal war-monger with the strength of a 100-megaton bomb powered by justice and the Old Testament: Just the kind of person who could literally destroy the world if given power and a microphone that isn't owned by Mark Zuckerberg.

Luckily, West is obviously not serious, and takes the hilarious fake Tea Party idiot satire a step further, lampooning the paranoid Beck devotees scared of the big, bad United Nations:

I shall not be tolerant of the intolerant. I know about the UN Resolution 1618 which would make any statement deemed by the Organization of Islamic Countries (OIC) “offensive’ to Islam a crime…..NOT ON MY WATCH FELLAS!

Har har har NOT ON HIS WATCH. He's protecting us, you see? He has special insight into UN resolutions that the rest of us don't know about.

Except, well, we do know about them, because the U.N. is a pretty together group of cats, and they put their resolutions On The Internet, where one with the proper satellite dinky-do can access it. It's cleverly hidden on the United Nations website and, believe it or not, you can read it for your very self! The thing that before we linked you to it, was known only to Allen West.

If you give it a once-over, mayhaps you could explain to us what West's "quotation marks" mean, because the term "offensive" that he cites doesn't appear in the document, and neither does the Organization of Islamic Countries.

To be fair, the omission of the Organization of Islamic Countries is probably only attributable to that not being an organization that exists in real life, anywhere, unless that is secret Allen West knowledge too.

And how about this ominous secret document that is on the interblags? It says the Human Rights Council is "Deeply concerned about incidents of intolerance, discrimination and violence against persons based on their religion or belief in all regions of the world," which doesn't sound so evil, and the group also:

expresses deep concern at the continued serious instances of derogatory stereotyping, negative profiling and stigmatization of persons based on their religion or belief, as well as programmes and agendas pursued by extremist organizations and groups aimed at creating and perpetuating negative stereotypes about religious groups, in particular when condoned by Governments.

This sounds deceptively like the opposite of the thing West said, which might be part of his big jest to mock politicians who run campaigns based only on fear and ignorance. But let's keep going...

Ah, here it is: They say states should be "adopting measures to criminalize incitement to imminent violence based on religion or belief."

MUSLIMS! SHARIA LAW! GROUND ZERO MOSQUE! THERE IT IS! It's our First Amendment right to say anything at all, and we'll kill anybody who says otherwise with angels of death!

What's that? Incitement to violence isn't actually covered by the First Amendment? So that part is, like, already part of our laws?

Oh well. That's probably part of the joke.

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Surprise, everybody! As we suspected, the Trump administration knew about the horrifying family domestic abuse stories in Patrick Shanahan's history, and they were trying to push through his Defense Secretary nomination anyway. We didn't assume they knew because the Trump administration is so very good at vetting people -- it clearly isn't. But, considering the enormity of the story, the question that kept bothering us yesterday when the Shanahan news broke was HOW IN THE HELL DID THEY THINK THIS WOULD STAY SECRET?

CBS News reports:

President Trump said as he departed for Florida Tuesday that he had only learned of Shanahan's family issues for the first time "yesterday."

But that is apparently a lie, or at least we should assume it's a lie, because we should always assume Trump is lying about each and every thing he says, in general. Anyway, whether El Dipshit was personally told, Trump admin people say ayup, they knew all about it:

One senior administration official told CBS News the White House was aware of the incident involving Shanahan's son, but didn't know about the 2010 confrontation. Another official said the White House knew about the 2011 incident dating back to when Bill Shine was White House communications director.

In case you need a quick refresher, the "2010 confrontation" is alleged domestic violence between Shanahan and his ex-wife, whose name is now Kimberley Jordinson, which was detailed in their divorce papers. (The ex-wife was arrested, not Shanahan.) The "2011 incident" is the one where Shanahan's 17-year-old son beat the shit out of his mom -- that same ex-wife -- with a baseball bat and left her in a pool of her own blood, and Daddy appears to have gone to great lengths to cover it up.

As CBS reports, some senators have been very curious as to why they were never informed of this way back in 2017, when Shanahan was nominated to be the deputy secretary of Defense. (He was confirmed.) Did the White House know then? Did Shanahan conceal it from everybody? Is that where the White House vetting process -- which is, again, just awesome, obviously -- went all wrong?

Or does the Trump administration just not think the nominee getting mutually fisticuffy with his wife, and trying to mount a coverup for his son when that son bludgeoned that wife with a baseball bat, is so bad, especially when you are trying to staff your administration with The Best People?

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