America Plays Fuck/Marry/Kill With Trump, Robert Mueller And Jeff Sessions And Sessions Gets ... LAID?
Everyone knows the traditional Christian vacation Bible school game "Fuck/Marry/Kill." It is when somebody names three people, places or things, and you have to choose who you'd fuck, who you'd marry, and who you'd kill. It is not literally a plan to murder! Jesus Christ, drunk Lindsey Graham played it one time with Dana Bash. (He changed it to "Date/Marry/Disappear Forever" because he is a dork, and he married Carly Fiorina for her money like a common Melania.)
There is a new ABC News-Washington Post poll that can just as easily be read as a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill, and guys, Donald Trump did not fare well. He is always saying he is "your favorite president (I hope!)" and that his stable genius approval ratings are very stable, but this is actually not the case, because his approval rating is down to 36 percent, with a full 60 percent disapproving. It gets even worse when you look at how strongly respondents feel about their feelings about Trump, because a full 53 percent mega-disapprove of Trump. Meanwhile, only two thirds (24 percent overall) of the 36 percent who approve of Trump feel that strongly in their hearts and in their pants. The rest of them are like "Meh, guess I'd piss on him if he was on fire, but only if I really had to pee or I was about to go on a road trip and Mom and Dad said I better try to go 'cause we're NOT STOPPIN'."
Trump's approval is even slipping among Republicans, with only 78 percent backing him! And he only has 45 percent of the white people! America has clearly made its feelings known on President Crusty Grundle up there in the White House!
So that leaves "fuck" and marry," and the two other people in this poll we are talking about are Attorney General Jeff Sessions and special counsel Robert Mueller.
Mueller's approval rating is a whole 63 percent, and 64 percent say Trump shouldn't fire Jeff Sessions. Both very strong contenders for "fuck" and "marry"!
Now, you might be thinking, "Wait, I am having a hard time deciding whether to say Fuck or Marry for Robert Mueller." We understand your very valid concerns. Moreover, there is a 2009 Wonkette post that says if you pick "marry" you don't ever get to fuck them, and you are worried you'll never get to bone-zone Robert Mueller if you, America, take him as your one true husband. 2018 Wonkette is here to tell you that 2009 Wonkette's rule is fucking bullshit and Robert Mueller will be an attentive husband, for America, IN BED.
So now we're down to "fuck." Goddammit, Jeff Sessions, come over here, you big old gross racist cow!
We are not saying America actually wants to do country-fried fuckin' with Jefferson Butterscotch Sessions, because that is pee yew. What we are saying is that the reason a whole 64 percent of Americans don't want Sessions fired is that A) some Republicans still like him we guess, and B) a lot of Democrats understand that, despite his one million white supremacist faults, right now Sessions is one of the only things protecting the rule of law and the Robert Mueller investigation from Donald Trump. When we all wake up in the morning, we expect Jeff Sessions to put his pants on and go back to wherever he lives, and no we are not interested in morning cuddles. This is a one night stand, and America is only doing it because America is feeling kind of desperate right now.
OK, good FMK game, America!
In other bits 'n' pieces from this poll, we find that only 18 percent of Americans think Trump should pardon Paul Manafort, and fully 61 percent believe Trump is an unindicted co-conspirator just like Michael Cohen said.
Finally, 13 percent of Americans think corruption in Washington has decreased since Trump became president, so try not to get too close to those people this Labor Day weekend, lest you accidentally end up in the crossfire when they're playing with fireworks or something, or if they say "Hey, watch this!"
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