America Wants Alan Keyes For President!

Now that people have actually looked at Fred Thompson and realized he's not Sam Watterson but is actually a lazy mumbler who marries strippers, the search is on for a candidate who is actually a reincarnated Reagan. And as last night's atrocious debate proved, none of those geeks will ever be president of anything.

Who, oh who will be the conservative dreamboat to right our ship of state -- because a boat could conceivably right a ship, right? How about Alan Keyes? Remember him? If not, here's a primer:

* Keyes is so stiff and pompous, he even creeps out Al Gore.

* If he gets the nomination, we could have a hilarious repeat of the 2004 race for the Illinois Senate seat.

* It was in that race that Keyes said that Jesus Christ totally wouldn't vote for Barry Obama, because Jesus hates black people.

* Keyes called Mary Cheney a "gross slut" on the radio.

* Earned Michael Moore's endorsement by jumping into a mosh pit at a Rage Against the Machine show.

* Was roomies with Bill Kristol at Harvard.

* Has lost every race he's ever run, including two campaigns for the GOP nomination!

* Often made Walnuts and Dubya look even crazier/dumber than they are during the 2000 Republican debates.

* Hey ladies, he's a "trained opera singer."

* Delighted audiences around the world with his role as a pompous would-be politician in the Borat movie. Also, Borat reportedly gave Keyes "a Jew's rib."

We Need Alan Keyes For President [Christian News Wire]

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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