Americans Pretty Much All Gay Now, According To Science

Out of the mouths of babes.

Good news for all you gays and gay-loving humans out there! According to science, basically all the U.S. Americans are Doing The Gay now, having completely abandoned God-Fearing Christian Morality for the much greener grass of "It's just skin, baby, it's just skin." Okay, maybe we are exaggerating when we say "basically all the U.S. Americans," but according to a new YouGov poll, ALMOST A THIRD of American youngs say they're not totally hetero, which means that hot straight man or man-lady you've always had that secret crush on? The one you've always been like, "Oh whatever, he is mostly straight, but I suspect that given the right combination of alcohol and spontaneity could get me RIGHT in those pants"? It's probably true:

Overall 78% of Americans say that they are completely heterosexual while 4% say that they are completely homosexual. 16% of American adults say that they fall somewhere in between. In this group the bulk (10%) say that they are more heterosexual than homosexual while 3% put themselves in the middle and another 3% say that they are predominantly homosexual.

Younger Americans are noticeably less likely than their elders to put themselves in a firm category. While 80% of all Americans say that they are completely heterosexual or homosexual only 66% of under-30s say the same. 29% of under-30s put themselves somewhere on the category of bisexuality.

LIKE WHOA. BRB, gotta go do sex to so many guys.

Now, the religious right is probably like "SEE? They're recruiting!" And that is not true, and never has been, WE'VE TRIED. But the more honester truth of the matter is that the real sexuality spectrum has ALWAYS been more complicated than "most people think gay is ew." That's how society used to be. And now it's not anymore -- at least it's a lot less that way -- so more ladies and gentle-ladies are feeling free to say, "Oh fun, this person has parts like I have, but DIFFERENT AND EXOTIC!"

A recent poll in the United Kingdom, ALSO done by YouGov, found basically the same results, but we didn't tell you it because "Britishes" or whatever. It's not real science until 31 percent of full-blooded all-American dudebros are willing to sample the D at their leisure, that's what we say, because American Exceptionalism.

But it's all fine now, because the American survey said the same thing, so everybody is free to have a real good time Doing Gayness or Doing Straightness or whatever else to each other, for Jesus, for America and for the Constitution, hurray!

Okay now, for real, BRB.

[YouGov viaJoeMyGod]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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