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America's Drug Czar Enters Drug Treatment Center

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“Drug czar” Gil Kerlikowske is the saddest man in America. First he can’t wage a write-in campaign for U.S. Senate in Alaska because his name is even more difficult to spell than that of Lisa Murkowski. And now, on his watch, we’re legalizing Mary Jane! Poor guy has apparently been driven off the wagon. The pressure, oh, the horror, that 51 percent of Californians are potheads (now that tobacco is illegal there, it’s the only way the workin’ man can mask the scent of his Marlboros: by rolling them with Humboldt skunk weed so the health cops will leave him alone) and they’re about to free da weed, and Czar Kerlikowske is having a breakdown. How do we know this?


Because the Associated Press told us so:

Director of National Drug Control Policy Gil Kerlikowske (kur-lih-KOW'-skee) is in Southern California on Wednesday for a visit to a drug treatment center.

Yup. He went west to campaign against Proposition 19 but immediately checked into a drug treatment center. AP’s stylebook never lies! He was last heard singing, from his straightjacket, “You say I gotta go to rehab, please vote no, no, no!” [AP]

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's first days in Congress have been a doozie. She's been "mistaken" for an intern or a spouse on multiple occasions, everyone's making up pretend fights that she's getting in with people she's not actually getting into fights with, and she's still somehow not performing poverty well enough to convince Fox News and other conservatives that she is not a secret billionaire.

On Wednesday, Fox News published an exposé on AOC and her vast riches -- showing that even though she said that it was going to be tough to afford an apartment in DC for the three months before she'd receive a salary, she was actually a fifteen thousandaire.

If she converted that $15K into pennies, she could probably swim in them, just like her fellow rich person Scrooge McDuck.

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This is the third time this week we've covered the mixed up files of Mrs. Cindy Hyde-Smith. I'm as happy about it as you are, but the US Senator from Mississippi has a bad habit of confessing to bad things in front of cameras. She's clearly a politician best suited for a simpler, more racist time, or at least an alternate reality where cameras weren't invented. Even the most detailed sketch of her saying stupid stuff wouldn't have the same impact.

Hyde-Smith faces Democrat Mike Espy in a runoff election on Nov. 27. Video surfaced Thursday of her at a recent campaign stop in Starkville, Mississippi, promoting the practical benefits of voter disenfranchisement.

"And then they remind me that there's a lot of liberal folks in those other schools who ... maybe we don't want to vote," Hyde-Smith is heard saying. "Maybe we want to make it just a little more difficult. And I think that's a great idea."
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