Wonkers, we're trapped in an episode of America's Dumbest Criminals! It would be hilarious if it weren't a fucking nightmare. Well, the Papadopoulos Plea is actual comedy gold in the best Boris and Natasha tradition.

Defendant Papadopoulos later learned that the Female Russian National was not in fact a relative of President Putin. In addition, while defendant Papadopoulos expected that the Professor and the Female Russian National would introduce him to the Russian Ambassador in London, they never did.

Dammit! What's with these Russian spies lying to some poor schlub who's never colluded before? UNFAIR!

But while we're on the subject of Lil Papi, check out this picture of Donald Trump meeting with his foreign policy advisors on March 31, 2016. Papadopoulos is the cutie in the middle, Trump is at one end of the table, and you can see Jeff Sessions's little, round elf head at the other.

Nice of Donald Trump to post this picture on Twitter for everyone to find. It confirms that the gang was all present and accounted for at that meeting where Lil Papi talked up his connections to the Russian government and promised to broker a meeting between Trump and Putin.

On or about March 31, 2016, defendant PAPADOPOULOS attended a "national security meeting" in Washington, D.C., with then-candidate Trump and other foreign policy advisors for the campaign. When defendant PAPADOPOULOS introduced himself to the group, he stated, in sum and substance, that he had connections that could help arrange a meeting between then-candidate Trump and President Putin.

UNPOSSIBLE! No one could be stupid enough to leave evidence online of a conspiracy to commit a crime.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! The day that Manafort gets arrested and Papadopoulos's plea is unsealed, Trump just happens to invite Jeff Sessions to lunch? THIS Jeff Sessions?

SEN. AL FRANKEN: "If there was any evidence that anyone affiliated with the Trump campaign communicated with the Russian government in the course of this (2016) campaign, what would you do?," the Minnesota Democrat asked.

SESSIONS: "I'm not aware of any of those activities. I have been called a surrogate at a time or two in that campaign and I did not have communications with the Russians."

(Reader, he did.)

Anyway, hope they got all the rice and cherry pie they could gobble, and that they're having just a TERRIBLE day! Countdown until Trump tweets, "Great lunch w/AG Sessions & VP Pence. Discussed strat to end FAKE NEWS Russia investigation. Signing Exec Ord to suspend Spec Pros Law. #MAGA." Watch for it!

We at Wonkette are old enough to remember when Loretta Lynch shot the shit on the tarmac with Bill Clinton for ten minutes and it triggered a Congressional investigation. But you fellas go right ahead and cook up a little more obstruction (ALLEGEDLY) in the Private Dining Room at the White House. We can't wait to hear your new plan to eighty-six Mueller's investigation. It's not like Trey Gowdy is going to hold hearings on his own party, right? IOKIYAR!

[Papadopoulos Plea]

Wonkers, give us money! The crazy train has left the station, and WE ARE ON IT!

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!


Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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