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America's Last Hope: Become a Nation of Whores

News

Yeah, we still remember the only thing you're famous for, Spitzer. (And it ain't 'Parker Spitzer.')In this third year of the Great Recession, it's starting to set in for a lot of people that the rest of their lives will be, at best, a grim struggle. From early forced retirement for people who have no financial cushion to retire upon to the tens of millions of jobless younger adults still living with mom and (occasionally) dad, for all but the top 5%, it's just a long hard slog from here on out. That's why more and more new "Internet companies" are based on the model of the whorehouse: Are you a reasonably attractive poor woman who doesn't yet look "used up"? Then you can rent (with your pre-paid Visa card) a dingy room with a twin mattress and a sink from the virtual madam, and then hopefully entice one of America's rich men into banging you for a small fee, until he gets bored and moves on and you, inevitably, die poor and alone.


A website called "Sugar Sugar" keeps sending us these increasingly pathetic/desperate PR emails. For a while, we just grimaced to ourselves and deleted them. Then we sent one to our favorite lady-comedy blog, because WTF. But now, we are forced to bring this "leading economic indicator" to Wonkette, because we're pretty sure this isn't just another vulgar stop on our cultural descent but an actual prediction of American Life for the vast majority of U.S. females during their "reasonably hot years" (12-15) before the industrial-chemical-media-complex diet of Kardashian reality shows, corn syrup feeding tubes, E!, off-brand cigarettes, rendered pork/chicken fat, Abandoned Storage Unit Auction Queens weekday marathons, tattoo ink, Huffington Post celebrity slideshows, DUIs, GEDs and family court appearances transform them into Hoveround-bound SSI recipients.

Because during that brief and crucial window when a morally empty kleptocrat might want to sodomize you in a motel for a few weekends, the important thing to remember is that millions of other young ladies are desperately seeking this income opportunity, too:

2. Learn to say “NO”

Say “NO” more times than you say “yes”—I’m serious babies… Nothing says “cheap whore” better than a cheap whore does. If you become a yes-woman, you become a loose goose… am I right or am I right?

3. Put yourself in the way.

Whether you “accidentally” stand in the path of some unbeknownst sugar daddy warmly smiling with an apology when he bumps into you, or stop a SD somewhere to ask him if you met before, if you cause a SD to pause and really look at you, there’s a better ‘chance’ of that leading into more conversation.

4. Get out of the way.

I know I know, it seems as if I’m contradicting myself, but If you want to win the heart of a married sugar daddy, DO NOT INTERFERE with his ‘other’ life—the risk of him losing his family is enough to lose your number, trust me. He will respect and appreciate the space you give him, usually causing an influx of adoration and attention.

"SD" doesn't refer to "Sexually-transmitted Disease" here, but to "Sugar Daddy."

8. Enjoy any time spent with your SD.

Needs are not met by demands and expectations. If you do not make the most out of and enjoy your time with your SD, it shows that you don’t really value him or his time, and you will get nothing little girl. The best SD relationships have NO DEMANDS, EXPECTATIONS, and are not TAKEN FOR GRANTED. (Note: For every generous SD is a line of bitches behind you who would gladly take your spot for a few hours)

9. Quell that “desperation” devil within you.

Have you ever seen a desperate SB? Not cute.

10. Live like it’s the last day of your life!

Nobody likes a Debbie-downer! Traveling to new places, experimenting with different cuisines, and experiencing non-vanilla sex are all part of living an exciting life. Be open to the next unexpected moment, you just never know where it may take you!

That's right! A lot of times, when he's choking you, you will regain consciousness later! And if not, you probably believe in God or whatever, so consider it a short-cut to heaven. And if you live? He'll give you some money for food and rent. [We aren't linking to this site]

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Fox News has been LI'L BIT CONFUSED about how to cover Donald Trump's treason meeting with Vladimir Putin. There was a lot of tut-tutting from Fox's daytime journalists (the "real" ones) on Monday, but then it was Double Dipshit Time on Monday night as Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity took over the commentary. Carlson found the real election hackers (brown Mexican people who either move to America and become legal citizens who vote or brown Mexican people who are just born here, as if THAT is allowed!) and declared that Russian meddling is like number 115 on the list of things that threaten America. (The other 114 are the blacks and the Mexicans and the gypsies, because Tucker Carlson is a white supremacist.) Meanwhile, Hannity hosted Donald Trump for some kind of mutual lick-off session where Trump said that Putin had informed him that there was NO COLLUSION. It's good to have a KGB handler who remembers stuff like that!

But even then, there was a hopeful moment! Fox News's Chris Wallace committed an actual act of journalism Monday night when he interviewed Vladimir Putin, going so far as to stick Robert Mueller's indictments in the Russian leader's stupid fucking face and dare him to read them. He even asked Putin why he constantly murders people with poison. GO GET HIM, CHRIS WALLACE!

Usually the next morning's "Fox & Friends" is like Carlson and Hannity's afterbirth, but Tuesday morning was a little bit different! For some reason, Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade and Abby Huntsman were not 100% pleased with Dear Leader's behavior in Helsinki! So they put on their Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski masks and did their best impression of a more dumber version of "Morning Joe," and oh my god it was SO WEIRD. Like, they would be outraged for a second, but then they would immediately compliment him and reassure him that he is a Very Good Boy who won that presidential election fair and square.

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Image by Mariordo, Wikimedia Commons

In what seems like a perfectly logical move where corporations are people, MGM International Resorts is suing all the victims of the Las Vegas massacre in federal court. But don't worry -- at least the company isn't seeking damages from them for its own corporate pain and suffering! Instead, the lawsuit is a maneuver to head off liability claims related to the mass shooting last October 1, as is only right and just. All they want is what's coming to them, like immunity from damages and some ill will from consumers, which will no doubt blow over eventually.

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