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America's New Boyfriend Randy Weber Likes Long Walks, Snuggling, And Calling Obama A Socialist -- Just Like You!

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Sorry, were you feeling left out because we told you that Cathy McMorris Rodgers was America's New Sweetheart, but your sweetheart tastes do not run towards ladies, thankyewverymuch? Never fear. We are all-inclusive in our sweetheart finding and loving and praising here at Wonkette, and we have found you a delightful male counterpart to Chatty Cathy. Ladies and Gentlemen who prefer Gentlemen, we give you America's New Sweetheart, Boy-Flavored Edition: Rep. Randy Weber.


Randy was already on our radar thanks to his tireless devotion to making sure that he shall never have to endure the spectre of a gay marriage right there in front of his good Christian eyes. Dammit. We're sorry if this is going to make it awkward for you boy types that were hoping to someday join in holy matrimony with your new crush object Randy, but at this point, we are limited to two new sweethearts. Think of them like a really malevolent prom king and queen. But enough about your pathetic search for love. Let's learn about Randy!

Randy turned pro last night during the State of the Union by kicking his Twitter feed into high gear with the sort of snotty tweets usually reserved for people with egg avatars and zero followers.

Those are some thigh slappers, aren't they? America, your new boyfriend is a HOOT. And congrats to Randy for coming on strong. It takes a big confident man to go right to "Kommandant-in-Chief" right off the bat.

Don't you wish you knew a little bit more about him? His favorite foods, whether he likes to spoon, if he'll be there for you or just go off and play basketball instead of bringing you ice cream when you don't feel good. Good news! Your boy sweetheart makes it to his job MUCH more often than America's lady love so you know he will always be there.

He's working so hard to earn your love, America, because he knows that you really miss the man who once had his job. Yes, the 14th Congressional District of Texas was once Ron Paul's (RON PAUL'S!!!1!), but he retired and the district got redrawn and times change and let's move on and can't you learn to love again, with Randy?? He loves banning abortions, just like you! He does not want to pay lazy federal government workers one cent more, just like you! He wants to make sure you don't give up precious American freedoms to other sovereigns like some kind of UN NGO Agenda 21 slut. See? He wants what you wants and you want him.

Take a chance and learn to love again, America. Your sexxxy new boyfriend Randy Weber awaits.

[GovTrack/Ballotpedia/Vote Smart]

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