Golly, things sure do get better when Donald Trump opens his damn mouth.

The markets have actually rebounded a bit today, but Trump has decided it's time to declare a NATIONAL EMERGY over coronavirus. He probably should have done that weeks ago, but YOLO. And of course, he's an authoritarian incompetent shitbag, so god knows what this will accomplish and/or what special powers he thinks it'll give him.

Regardless, let's watch the shitshow together. Hold on to your dicks 401K's, we're goin' in!

YouTubewww.youtube.com

3:09: What, did you think he was going to be on time? PFFFFFFT.

If you want to read about somebody who is actually doing their job, Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced today that the House will be passing a coronavirus relief bill this afternoon, and if Republicans and Trump won't support it, well, that's on them.

3:22: Oh God, Donald, where the fuck are you? Taking a coronavirus test maybe? That would be smart.

3:31: Good, he has finally begun. Still time to tank the markets before close!

Trump starts by bragging about all the ways he's stopped coronavirus, and about the good things he said in his very bad speech WEdnesday.

He looks and sounds unwell, but then again he always does, so it's hard to tell.

3:32: Trump just said he's opening up $50 billion and "very importantly" and "very important" and "SNIFF" and wow, he is really slurring and stumbling over his words. Reading is hard, you guys. Anyway, NATIONAL EMERGY NATIONAL EMERGY NATIONAL EMERGY.

3:35: They are going to waive requirements for hospital stays and tele-health and some other things, this is all probably fine. Maybe some of it came from Jared's Facebook coronavirus research, on Facebook!

3:36: They don't want "everybody running out" and taking coronavirus tests, that would just be crazy, to test everybody! Only if you are showing "certain symptoms." That's cool. Neat.

Now he's thanking companies for helping him, thanking Google for making a good website to help people get tested, says Google will make very good website very fast, "unlike other websites of the past." You just KNOW that was a shithole swipe at the rollout of Obamacare, you just KNOW.

3:38: "This will pass! This will pass through!" We've learned a "tremendous amount"!

3:39: Now Dr. Deborah Birx, who's been on Trump's coronavirus "task force," such as it is, is talking. She starts by pretending one of the good ideas they have implemented came from Trump's brain. Gotta kiss the ring!

3:42: Birx says you couldn't see all the brilliance Trump's team was doing behind the scenes, but now you can, because they are finally telling you how awesome everything has been. She has a chart. This is the brilliance they have been working on that you couldn't see.

Look chart:

Now Dr. Tony Fauci is talks. He is the one who actually admitted that the Trump administration's testing regime has been an utter failure.

And now obviously it is time for Doug McMillon, the CEO of Walmart, to talk, Jesus Christ. Oh neat, you are going to get to do drive-thrus in the Walmart parking lot!

And the Walgreens CEO is here and oh boy, everybody is here!

3:46: Oh yay, guy from Target! And person from CVS!

WHAR BIG LOTS CEO, WHAT THEY GONNA DO?

3:49: It's good that all these corporations and CEOs are involved, since they've kind of already been leading the response in the absence of a functioning presidential administration.

3:53: Trump did arm bumps with one of the CEOs! Finally somebody got him to stop touching people with his stinky hands!

Mike Pence says today should be an "inspiration to every American" hahahahahahahahaha fuck off.

Pence is just licking Trump's ass now for his coronavirus response so far.

Trump also announced he's suspending interest on students loans and gonna buy a BONCHA oil, because it's cheap right now, FILL 'ER UP the strategic oil reserves!

3:54: Wow, even for Pence, this is PRIME asslicking.

By the way, Trump hasn't tanked the stock market yet, because he's not the only one talking and all these people smarter than him are serving as a buffer. Don't worry, he'll figure out a way to do it soon, probably on Twitter.

3:57: Mike Pence says we gotta take care of the Olds because they took care of us when we were younger and helped us with our homework and stuff, DON'T ABANDON NANA, OK?

And Seema Verma, that cartoon villain dickhead who oversees Medicare and Medicaid, is now going to talk more about nursing homes.

3:59: Trump says there is website for coronavirus and it is "very heavily used right now," he's gotta say, and he's just learned a lot about coronavirus lately, oh boy, he's gotta say, and he doesn't want people to get coronavirus, and it's just crazy what's happen with the sports, "so many of the great sports that we've gotten used to" aren't even playing right now, thank you to sports ...

We're back to gibberish.

4:03: Trump says things will get better, but maybe it will get worse! He says the doctors say coronavirus is going to "wash through, flow through," and he just thinks that's pretty scientifically accurate, the washing, and also the flowing.

4:05: Oh good, we are staying for reporter questions.

REPORTER: Hey, the fuck is going on with the House bill Pelosi is literally passing this afternoon?

TRUMP: They're not giving enough! They're just not giving enough!

We bet.

4:06: REPORTER: Bolsonaro has the corona. Lindsey Graham is in quarantine. Where have your hands been?

TRUMP: I'm fine, I'm immortal, I'm almost too skinny, I grabbed Bolsonaro's coronavirus by the pussy but I didn't get there, it's cool.

4:08: NBC'S KRISTIN WELKER: Dr. Fauci literally said America's testing so far has been a failure. Do you take responsibility for that?

TRUMP: No.

WELKER: When can people actually get tests?

Dr. Fauci takes over to try to clean up the mess.

4:09: Oh here we go, Trump's gonna bitch about swine flu, because blaming Obama for this is his new thing. We knew the real Trump would come out. "Ask 'em how they did with the swine flu, it was a disaster!" That's right, reporters, get the dumb fucker MAD.

4:10: REPORTER: So your whole travel ban that excludes the UK was basically for your own personal benefit, probably?

TRUMP: Words that are not really an answer.

4:13: REPORTER: So Rick Scott and the Miami mayor were exposed the same way you are, are you saying they should not be self-quarantining?

TRUMP: NO NO NO NO CORONA! NO NO NO NO CORONA! I am skeered the test will hurt.

4:18: REPORTER: How long we have to stay inside, Dr. Fauci?

FAUCI: I don't know. Weeks, months, depends on how good these punks behind me do shit WINK WINK ABANDON HOPE.

BIRX: If you average China's situation with South Korea's situation and divide by Donald Trump, WINK WINK ABANDON HOPE.

We are fooling, they did not even wink.

4:21: Trump ordered some extra respirators, y'all, it's fine.

4:22: REPORTER: Do we know why this affects Olds?

FAUCI: DOY DOY DOY DOY DOY, DID YOU EVEN TAKE IMMUNE SYSTEM CLASS IN MEDICAL SCHOOL?

4:24: YAMICHE ALCINDOR: You said you don't take responsibility, but you literally killed the office in the administration that deals with this shit.

TRUMP: Nasty woman!

4:28: REPORTER: Please give us some science advice on whether Americans should travel domestically. Also again, you've been exposed, what the fuuuuuuck?

TRUMP: I did hundreds of pictures that night! And then I sat with Bolsonaro for two hours! I could have infected everyone! But I didn't because I am skeered the test will hurt, and also I am very healthy and can identify "camel."

DIFFERENT REPORTER: Dr. Fauci literally said if you stood next to somebody with coronavirus you need to be tested, but you're saying the White House doctor says something different? WTF?

TRUMP: People say I was in a picture, but I haven't seen the picture, NO CORONAS! People shouldn't just get tested because they want to, but probably I will get tested, I don't know.

MIKE PENCE: My turn to talk, but quick nobody mention how I was also exposed.

4:35: These people are absolute fucking clowns.

4:36: Trump says he has a good relationship with California Governor Gavin Newsom, because Newsom complimented his very stable genius response to coronavirus.

4:37: REPORTER, TO CEOS: WHAR TOILET PAPER? WHAR PURELL?

CEO: We'll get some when we get it!

REPORTER: Seriously?

Trump also answers a question about the cruise inDUSTry, because that's how he says it. InDUSTry. Nobody has ever told him that's not how you fucking say it, and he doesn't speak good English.

4:39: Now all the coronavirus task force is taking turns saying "wash your hands." Awesome. HHS Secretary Azar clarifies that you use hot water and soap.

4:42: And now we are finished! Remember to tip your bartenders, Wonkette is only funded by you!

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