We told you this week was going to be bad. We want you to take a moment to relax and breathe. NOT ON UNCLE BUBBA, IT'S NOT SAFE TO BREATHE ON HIM RIGHT NOW, GO WASH YOUR HANDS!

You OK? Good.

Brian Klaas wrote in the Washington Post the other day that coronavirus isn't Trump's Katrina but rather Trump's Chernobyl, and oh boy, was he correct. Of course, because it's Trump's Chernobyl, that means the president is waddling around the nuclear control room pressing random buttons and only afterward asking "Hey, what does this one do? What about this one? What about this one?" Buttons is fun!

Donald Trump addressed the nation last night from the Oval Office, in a pathetic bid to appear presidential and reassure the American people that he's got this under control. Even if he hadn't been wrong about pretty much everything he said, including the policies of his own administration he was announcing -- even though all he had to do was (attempt to) read words from the Teleprompter, and even if the White House hadn't had to spend the rest of the night cleaning up after the president taking yet another OOPS! shit right on the living room floor -- it would have been bad.

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We're not going to transcribe Trump's words, as they are in and of themselves a public health risk, and we don't want somebody to accidentally read them and misinterpret them as the truth.

Trump spoke and sniffed and mumbled and stumbled for nine minutes, blowing dogwhistles as he called coronavirus a "foreign virus" and bitched that the European Union hadn't done a very awesome job of containing it. This, he explained, is why he's immediately instituting a travel ban on Europe for the next 30 days.

But not the UK. Obviously not the UK. Why? No reason. It's not because they don't have a shit-ton of coronavirus or that their health minister hasn't been diagnosed with it. He said the ban would also apply to "trade and cargo" and also other "various things." This was all bullshit. (More on that in a second.)

Trump bragged about how awesome it is that his early travel bans really helped the coronavirus situation in America (factcheck no) and bragged about the economy (LOL), but we guess he forgot to talk about how his administration has really fucked up testing for coronavirus and how they're going to fix that ASAP.

Trump said the medical insurance companies would be waiving co-pays for coronavirus treatments, and that was also untrue, as it's just for the tests.

He said the Small Business Adminstration was going to give everybody a bunch of loans, which is definitely how you stop the spread of viruses. With small business loans! Oh, and payroll tax cuts! Could Congress please do him a solid and make some payroll tax cuts, preferably until around November, once Russia has a chance to try to re-elect him? (He didn't say the "Russia" part. It's just implied.)

As he continued to sniff and mumble, Trump told America (falsely) that the risk of contracting coronavirus is "very, very low," but allowed that Olds get it and gave some advice to the Olds on how to keep safe. Also he said that only you can prevent forest fires, by washing your hands and cleaning your surfaces and covering your mouth if you cough. Thanks, President Doctor Oz!

He ended by blathering some horseshit about unity and dropping the partisanship, even though he is the least credible person in America to be delivering that message.

And with that, the address was over. Coronavirus solved, right?

Trump sure seemed to think so, as he took his mic off but didn't realize the cameras were still running, letting out a weird high-pitched "OKKKKKKKKKKKK!" like he was relieved he'd finished Doing the President Thing, and was ready for an aide to throw a mini Big Mac into his mouth as a treat.

Before his very comforting address, Trump was caught on a hot mic letting out an "Oh fuck!" because he had a "pen mark."

He is a very serious person who cares about America. Yep.

Aren't You Feeling Better Now?

After Trump's speech, Dow futures tanked over 1,000 points, triggering the circuit breaker that makes the futures trading stop. We guess investors didn't see it as a perfect speech.

To be fair, the only announcement Trump could have made that would have actually calmed people and markets would have been, "I resign, and Mike Pence is fucking right on outta here too."

Markets opened down 1,642 points, and trading soon was automatically halted again, as the sell-off for the second time in a week almost immediately hit a seven-percent loss. At press time, the markets continue to be fucked.

And as we mentioned above, the White House spent the entire night correcting what Trump got wrong about the policies his own administration was announcing, which were literally written out for Trump to read on the Teleprompter. Or maybe they were trying to change the READ THE TRANSCRIPT! of what Trump had just said, because they saw the Dow futures sink into hell, and realized maybe Trump had just made things much worse, like he does every time he wakes up in the morning.

At the risk of being redundant, here are some things Trump got wrong/lied about in his pre-printed speech, according to ultimate factchecker Daniel Dale from CNN:

• He's not banning "tremendous trade and cargo" from Europe, which he explained after the speech on Twitter.
• He's not banning "all travel from Europe," and the UK isn't the only country that's exempt. The affected nations are those in the Schengen Area, 26 countries where you can cross borders without passports and such. Reporters have noticed that this notably excludes areas where Trump just so happens to own resorts. Also unaffected are Russia and Eastern Europe, where the Russian spies hang out a lot.
• And don't worry, US citizens and some other legal residents and their family members are free to come back from Europe, or go to Europe! You know, just whatever!
• But the bans do affect people who aren't even coming from the specified parts of Europe, but have been in the Schengen Area over the past two weeks.

Confused yet? Mike Pence says you are not confused.

But other than that!

Well, other than that, we noted that he completely fucked up the part about insurance companies waiving co-pays for treatment for coronavirus, when they are only doing that for testing.

But other than that!

We did have a guess last night on how he came up with his "Europe travel ban":

Guess we'll just have to wait to find out!

Literally Anybody Could Handle This Better Than Trump Is Handling This. SARAH FUCKING PALIN Could Do This Better Than Trump.

Unfortunately Sarah Palin was busy at the time, performing "Baby Got Back" on "The Masked Singer." Because of course she was.

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We live in hell.

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