Analysis: Americans A Bunch Of Ungrateful Whiny-Pants
Recent polls show that the fat, oversatisfied inhabitants of the so-called greatest country on Earth are nothing more than a pack of petulant brats who do nothing all day but nag the hard-working elected officials who keep the country's trains running on time and try to protect the place from Canadian invasion.
Only 30 percent of American approve of the job that President Bush is doing, while only 25 percent give a thumbs-up to the Democratic Congress, presumably because five percent of Americans base their political likes and dislikes on the moronic "who would you rather have a beer with" test, and having a beer with 535 people at once would prove logistically difficult.
Because everyone is stupid, a majority of people think the Democrats should retain control of Congress even though they're doing a lousy job. 51 percent said they had a "favorable opinion" of the Democratic Party, and 36 percent said the same of the Republicans. Nobody bothered to ask about any other parties, since supporting them would involve a desire to actually change things instead of sitting on one's ass and bitching.
Even state governments, sometimes known as "democracy's petri dishes," irk this nation of malcontents. Pennsylvania recently tried the innovative step of shutting down its government altogether, prompting further bitching. "It's all grandstanding, and it's ridiculous," said one state resident as she wasted her life savings in a rigged game of chance.
Oh, hi, everybody! Josh Fruhlinger (AKA the Comics Curmudgeon) here, filling in for Alex for today. Can't imagine why he'd need the day off. This job sure makes you feel good about yourself and your country!