Anderson Cooper Ends Torrid Love Affair With Sanity

cooper.jpgPrecision-timed heart of a heartless world Anderson Cooper has lost his shit. His latest column, entitled "The Agony of Nail Biters," has all of us in peejay-land a little frightened, to be quite honest. Is this the downy white run-off that precedes the great avalanche of psychic undoing, or just temporary backlash-backlash following the San Francisco Chronicle's mean-spirited shark jump of the Coop? Whatever it is, it ain't pretty:

Doctors will tell you that nibbling nails is a sign of anxiety and insecurity, a nasty habit that can lead to infection.

I'm sure they're right. There are certainly plenty of less painful ways to deal with stress, but really, how many times a day can you masturbate?

Rhetorical question! Nothing to see here, folks... But wait -- there's more:

See, each nail breaks in a distinctive way; with time you begin to notice the pattern. It becomes something of a pleasurably familiar routine.

Where else do you see patterns, Anderson? It's okay to share. Fractals? Ever look at a nice, naturally reduplicative fractal? Like sand on the beach? Shhh. It's going to be all right. Promise.

I tried one lotion when I was a kid. It was really bitter, but after the first couple of licks I stopped noticing.

These days I try not to bite my nails in front of others. I'm not ashamed, but it's like videotaping yourself having sex: not something other people should really have to watch.

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

The Nuthatch Coop []

Sure, Anderson Cooper is cute and young, but get a grip [S.F. Chronicle]


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