By the time you see this, I will have had my first Crimmus!


Happy day after Christmas, Wonk-Wonks! Did Santa bring you all the dildos you asked for? Gee whiz, we hope so, but probably not, because you're reading this right now. Maybe you can find some at fire sale prices at the Big Lots after you do your Day After Christmas Wonkette Reading. Yes, we give you your top ten, even on little holiday weeks, because we love you.

Two things first, though: Have you subscribed to yr super-fast-like-lightning AD-FREE WONKETTE yet? YOU NEED TO. That way you can read your stories and look at your funny Wonkette pictures without it crashing your browser with ads for boobs. Click here to see how!

Another thing you can do is just throw us some general dollars, because you love us. So click here and give us $5, $10, or $25, as a special end of the year present, so we can start 2016 right. What's that? You need another new picture of Wonkette Baby, while you are searching your fanny pack for your wallet?

And we posted this one last week, but COME ON, it is Christmas Wonkette Baby. Look at it again!

Spare a few tuppence for her Santa hat, will ya?

CLUNK CLUNK, that is the sound of your money hitting us on our noses, WHICH HURTS. THROW PAPER CURRENCY.

Okay, here is your day-after-Christmas reading list, chosen as usual by the sciences:

1. For this week's Off The Menu, it was restaurant customers who REALLY, really (really really) weren't supposed to eat that.

2. Anna Duggar is pretty certain Jesus will keep Josh's Duggar Dick in his pants from now on. She's wrong, probably, but that's on her at this point.

3. Fox News: President Obama AGAIN proves how out of touch he is, by saying facts, and then being black again.

4. Bernie Sanders did a bad, will have to sue his way to the White House now. Except he won't anymore, because the Democrats kissed on the mouth and had make-up sex and everything is fine now.

5. Epic Comment Fight Of The Week: NO ONE IS SAFE! (Trigger warning, for trigger warnings.)

6. Mike Huckabee is very sad how everybody hates him so much now, including his Lord And Savior Jesus Christ.

7. According to a stupid white man, ALL OF AMERICA is boycotting the Sam's Club, because its CEO is so racist toward The Whites.

8. This Ted Cruz ad was just like a fake SNL ad, except for how it was bullshit and not funny.

9. Carly Fiorina admits she was wrong, which means she was right, IN YOUR FACE, SO THERE, SUCK IT.

10. And finally, OF COURSE Ted Cruz is That Guy who will spoil "Star Wars" forever, because he is an asshole.

So there you go, Wonkers. That's your assigned reading for Crimmus weekend.

Now you have one task left, and one task only. You should follow us on the FaceSpace, if you have a face and it is on The Space. It's one of the best ways to always be on top of what's going on at Wonkette, ooh we like it when you're on top.

Now get the fuck out of here and go buy those clearance dildos.

Love,

Wonket

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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