bad brain

This story will bring you JOY, and after that maybe a moment of "Really? The White House's cyber security is this bad?" But then you'll careen right back into JOY, because an internet troll guy from the UK shared VERY FANCY fake email relationships with half the idiots in the White House, including Anthony Scaramucci and Jared Kushner, and no one was the wiser until Eric Trump, known genius, figured out the person on the other side of the email was not actually his big brother Donald Jr.

CNN reports that Mr. British Guy, who says he was just funnin' around, pretended to be Jared Kushner in an email to the GUY AT THE WHITE HOUSE WHO DOES CYBER SECURITY. It worked:

"Tom, we are arranging a bit of a soirée towards the end of August," the fake Jared Kushner on an Outlook account wrote to the official White House email account of Homeland Security Adviser Tom Bossert. "It would be great if you could make it, I promise food of at least comparible (sic) quality to that which we ate in Iraq. Should be a great evening."

Bossert wrote back: "Thanks, Jared. With a promise like that, I can't refuse. Also, if you ever need it, my personal email is" (redacted).

Wow, just wow.

Here's that email:

OK, that's hilarious. But it wasn't the best "get" for our merry prankster, who tweets as @SINON_REBORN. The best was when he became part of the palace drama surrounding the untimely departures of former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus and his archnemesis, vanquished rage harpy Anthony Scaramucci.

As CNN explains, on Saturday, the day after Reince Priebus was quit-fired, Mister Silly Emails put on his Reince Priebus robe and wizard hat and dropped Scaramucci a line:

"I had promised myself I would leave my hands mud free," wrote the fake Priebus, "but after reading your tweet today which stated how; 'soon we will learn who in the media who has class, and who hasn't', has pushed me to this. That tweet was breathtakingly hypocritical, even for you. At no stage have you acted in a way that's even remotely classy, yet you believe that's the standard by which everyone should behave towards you? General Kelly will do a fine job. I'll even admit he will do a better job than me. But the way in which that transition has come about has been diabolical. And hurtful. I don't expect a reply."

So dramatic! Also, there's no way in hell Reince Priebus's email syntax is anything like that. But, you know, fool Scaramucci once, can't get fooled again:

"You know what you did. We all do. Even today. But rest assured we were prepared. A Man would apologize."


Fake Reince emailed again and said Scaramucci was so shitty at Doing White House that he left "upset in his wake," and Scaramucci, STILL NOT REALIZING he was emailing with a British who wasn't even trying to Sound 'Murican, replied:

"Read Shakespeare. Particularly Othello. You are right there. My family is fine by the way and will thrive. I know what you did. No more replies from me."

Oh. My. God. Did we say this story would bring you joy? WERE WE CORRECT?

Obviously our prankster had a blast doing pen-pal time with Anthony Scaramucci, who clearly is as stupid as he seems/looks. Before he impersonated Priebus, he fake-mailed Scaramucci pretending to be former Utah governor Jon Huntsman, whom Donald Trump has nominated to be his placeholder ambassador in Russia. (Our real ambassador to Russia is whatever kompromat Vladimir Putin has on Trump. ALLEGEDLY.)

"Who's (sic) head should roll first?" the bogus Huntsman asked from a Gmail account on Friday, before the Priebus termination had been announced. "Maybe I can help things along somewhat."

"Both of them," responded the real Scaramucci, in an apparent reference to both Priebus and White House Senior Adviser Steve Bannon, about whom Scaramucci has been quite critical.

And they kept emailing and emailing and emailing, and finally Scaramucci told Fake Jon Huntsman that he really should go visit Moscow, because Trump people fucking LOVE Russia for some mysterious reason.

AND ALSO! (Yes, the Duke of Emails was not finished.) If Fake Jon Huntsman can trick Real Anthony Scaramucci, can Fake Eric Trump trick Real Jon Huntsman? YES. HE. CAN. Our impostor really captured Eric's spirit here, we think:

"Maybe we could have Dad sat (sic) on a horse, top off, giving the full Putin! He's in better shape than his suits suggest."

Dear Jon Huntsman: Don't feel bad! Wonkette probably would have pegged that for the real Eric Trump too.

As we alluded to above, it all fell apart when Eric Trump got some emails from his "brother":

BWHAHAHAHAHAHA WONKETTE MAKE JOKE. Those aren't fake emails at all, that's part of the REAL Russia conspiracy email chain Dumbfuck Don Jr. sent everybody and their sister last summer.

CNN doesn't report exactly what Fake Junior said to Real Eric that tipped him off -- maybe he accurately called their dad a weak and failing twat, which Don Jr. would NEVER SAY -- but indeed, Real Eric Trump solved this mystery.


Anyway, we feel the last words of this post should be BUT THEIR EMAILS, so ... BUT THEIR EMAILS!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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