Apparently Some Jackholes Got Elected Somewhere, Or Nominated We Guess, Who Cares

Apparently Some Jackholes Got Elected Somewhere, Or Nominated We Guess, Who Cares

  • Remember two years ago when we pored over every single primary's results -- Jesus, we would, like, live-blog returns from gross states that we never even wanted to visit -- just to see who was up in the delegate count or how Hillary was doing among white men or whether Obama had the momentum or whatever? Well, it's not so much fun when nobody's running for president anymore, is it? Despite this lack of excitement, two -- no, wait, three, we guess -- states held primaries yesterday for Senate races that will probably turn out to be important somewhere down the line, but really, who can muster up the energy to be interested?

    So in Ohio the Democratic lieutenant governor beat some lady, and now will run against Rob Portman, who was Bush's budget director and yet still has some kind of political career. In Indiana some boring-ass Republican beat a couple of other losers, and now will run against a Democrat named "Brad" to replace Quitty McLoser Evan Bayh, in a rerun of a race you didn't care about when the same two guys were running for the House in 2006. And in North Carolina, nobody got more than 40 percent of the vote in the Democratic Senate primary, so everyone will have to vote again, as punishment. Even your pretend boyfriend Nate Silver couldn't get excited about this crap, so he had one of his minions do all the explaining for you.

  • You know who was inspired by Barack Obama's election by a majority white country? Black Republicans! There are a a bunch of them running for Congress this year, apparently, and they all claim that Obama showed them the way, even if, as one lady from Arkansas says, "I disagree fundamentally with all his views." (Really, Arkansas lady? All of his views? Even the ones about how puppies are nice and pie is tasty?) Non-Republican black person Donna Brazile is unimpressed, but they all still dream of being the first black Republican in Congress since J.C. Watts. Did you know that the "J.C." in J.C. Watts stood for "Julius Caesar"? Pretty rad, right?
  • Speaking of Republicans, Republicans in New York will probably not be able to take advantage of anti-incumbent sentiment and anger at the state's government stalemate because they're all incompetent nobodies who hate each other.

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