Are You A 'Republican Goddess?' If So, We Have Found Your Future Husband.
Finding true love is never easy. Or maybe sometimes it is, I don't know your lives. But clearly, it hasn't been easy for the Reverend William. Who is the Reverend William, you say? I'm not actually sure. Mostly he is a guy who seems like he'd be a vaguely spooky non-main character in a Stephen King movie — and he is going ALL OUT to find the "Republican Goddess" of his dreams. And by "all out," I mean handing out business cards and creating a janky looking website with 85,000 pictures of himself looking increasingly unhinged.
I came across this self-described "awesome gentleman" through a tweet from Vice's Anna Merlan, and boy — if there has been any time in my life where I have regretted being a Republican, this was not it.
Reverend William, who definitely doesn't lead an apocalyptic cult or anything, doesn't just want a date, doesn't just want a girlfriend, he wants a full-on wife. Said wife must love Donald Trump, know that he is battling COLOSSAL EVILS to save America (so, a QAnon weirdo), must not be a feminist and must have been reincarnated. Super normal!
So I went over to his website, which begins with yet another of Reverend William in a fedora, and the following letter:
I am looking for a Republican Goddess for marriage. This is my own personal website that I have created to help me find her. No other men are here—just me.
If you are a single woman who might potentially be interested, then I invite you to take my (virtual) hand and let me guide you through this website.
I'm a healthy 68. I'm looking for a woman born in any year from 1950–1995, who takes excellent care of herself.
I am a natural-born U.S. citizen residing in Los Angeles, California, U.S.A. I will consider relocating within the United States but am unwilling to move to another country. If the woman I'm looking for lives outside the United States, she must be willing and legally able to move to the United States to marry me and to live with me here.
As you read through this website, you will notice that I'm an intense, complex man who thinks waaay "outside the box." If my intensity/complexity is too much for you, or if I think too far "outside the box" for you, well then, we are not a match. I seek a woman who is likewise intense and complex (not a mild or simple woman; nor a woman who thinks I wrote way too much here). She too thinks "outside the box." The lady I am looking for will be inspired and excited by this website!
I am very demanding—in a good way that will make my Goddess-Wife-to-Be incredibly happy—beyond her wildest dreams—and keep her wildly happy for life! (ed. This 1000% means he is into Christian Domestic Discipline, which is like a kink you pretend is not a kink because Jesus is involved or whatever)
I am flexible on many things. But there are some things I am not flexible on. I respect your time. Therefore, I will begin by asking you a series of eleven questions to see if you meet my inflexible requirements. If not, we'll say goodbye without a kiss.
If you manage to make it through all eleven questions without a kiss-less goodbye, then I will tell you a lot about myself, the relationship I want, and my demanding requirements. I will tell you far, far more than you will see in the men's profiles on any dating website. Then you will have the opportunity to fill out a detailed contact form and submit it to me with your photos.
Sincerely, Reverend William
OH BOY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK, SHALL WE?
So first there are the basics. How much do you love Donald Trump? What is your marital status? I'm transphobic so hope you were born with a vagina!
And then whatever this shit is:
Which of the following best describes your religion and/or spiritual beliefs? When I say "God," I mean a unique, omnipotent, omniscient Being who loves us all unconditionally.
- I don't believe in God; I believe in Science. I am either an atheist (who believes no God exists) or an agnostic (who does not know whether God exists). I believe that Jesus, Buddha and Krishna (if they actually lived) were historical figures who made claims that are either false or cannot be proven.
- I believe that Jesus Christ was the ONLY Son of God. I believe that He died on the cross to save us from our sins, and that the ONLY path to salvation is to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, whereupon we are forgiven for our sins. I believe we only live once and that reincarnation, as believed by Hindus and Buddhists (and by some Christians and Jews), is a false doctrine. I do not know where Jesus was from ages 13–29, but I reject the idea that he spent time in India with Hindus and/or Buddhists. I believe that Krishna and Buddha were historical figures who were NOT Sons of God. I acknowledge that Jesus instructs us to pray (in the Lord's Prayer, Matthew 6:9 and Luke 11:2) beginning with the two words "OUR Father" (not "Jesus's Father" nor "Our Lord's Father"); nevertheless, I do NOT believe I am a Son, Daughter or Child of God.
- I am a spiritual person who loves God with all my heart. I believe we are ALL Sons and Daughters of God. I believe in reincarnation and karma. I believe I have lived previous human lives and that my past-life karma (both bad and good) impacts my circumstances today. I believe that Jesus, Buddha and Krishna were spiritually enlightened masters who came to help us on our spiritual journey and to set inspiring examples of what we can ultimately become in our own unique, Divine way, if not in this lifetime, then in a future lifetime.
Now, you're probably guessing that the correct answer is the Jesus one. Well, you are wrong! It's the Buddha/Hindu one. Which makes the whole "Reverend" thing extra suspect, I think. Like, is he just calling himself a Reverend? Does he have his own religion? What is going on here? Is this some Baháʼí shit? Do they have Reverends? I knew one chick who was into that in college, but that is literally the only thing I remember about her, so I don't know.
Moving on! You must speak English, but you can be an immigrant and even be living in the country illegally so long as you were brought here by your parents at a young age and had no choice in coming here.
I, however, am out.
What is your hairstyle?
- My hair is naturally straight or wavy, but not curly. My hair falls at least half way down my neck (or longer). I have no intention of having my hair cut short. I rarely use (or never use) hairspray.
- What I do with my hair is my business, and no man has any right to demand that my hair look, feel or smell a certain way.
This seems like he is probably trying to weed out black people, but I'm out too. I guess I was out before this with the loving Donald Trump and the being an atheist, but I sure am done for now.
The correct answer to his question of "Do you have a trim waistline" is:
Yes, my waistline is trim. I am not overweight, and I have healthy, well-disciplined eating habits that keep my figure beautiful.
The incorrect answer is:
What I do with my body is my business, and no man has any right to demand that my figure look a certain way.
It seems like he might like to marry a lady he can boss around a lot. As we can also tell from his question about FEMINISM.
How do you feel about feminism?
- I strongly support today's feminists.When a woman accuses a man of sexual harassment or sexual assault or rape, the woman should be believed, and the man should be disbelieved. Women should automatically beat men in court, regardless of the facts. Men and boys should be punished today for bad things that other men (including men who are long dead) did to women (including women who are long dead).
- I believe that women should have the right to vote, the right to equal treatment under the law (including inheritance and ownership of land), and the right to equal pay for equal work. Those goals were achieved a long time ago in the United States. However, women and men are fundamentally different, and balance between male and female is necessary for creating a happy, peaceful world. Today's feminism is trying to destroy that balance, and that is evil.I am very feminine, but I am not a feminist.
- I want to surrender into the arms of a strong and wonderful man, give my femininity to him totally and make him happy, as he makes me happy.
There are TWO correct answers here, and shockingly, the weird strawfeminist answer is not one of them.
OH. Also he really hates disabled people, judging by the correct answer to his question about physical and mental health:
I am physically and mentally healthy. Most of the time, I feel pretty good (or excellent), and I have plenty of energy. I do not suffer from any serious physical illness. I do not suffer from chronic pain. I am not disabled. I do not suffer from any mental disorder or serious depression (longing for your beloved is not "depression"). I am not under the care of a psychiatrist, and I do not take any psychiatric medicine. I do not have, need or want a service animal.
And when you make it, finally, all the way to the end... YOU GET A SPECIAL VIDEO SURPRISE FROM THE MAN HIMSELF!
I made it like, a minute in before it sounded way too much like the nonsense this guy I dated in my 20s (who wore sandals and thought experimental-era Tom Waits was good mood music) used to spout and I had to run away screaming. No thank you! I guess I'll never find true love!
THIS IS NOW YOUR OPEN THREAD! ENJOY!
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse