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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Owns Your Vag But Penises Must Run Free

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Thank Jeebus thatgrowing (medicinal) pot is legal in Arizona. Because if you have half a brain, you pretty much have to be stoned 24/7 in order to live there. Now, if you happen to be a woman with a brain AND an active libido, you might as well high-tail it right outa Dodge. Because Governor Jan Brewer hates your vagina.


First she decided that pregnancy starts two weeks before you get pregnant, just so she could pass a law to ban abortions after 18 weeks (instead of 20) and also too, force women to undergo transvaginal rape if they want an abortion. In the bill, legislators were extra careful to cross out the word surgery and replace it with ABORTION (in caps), in case somebody might not know what was going on. They also detailed the many ways a doctor can be imprisoned, lose their license and be sued by millions of people if they don't "offer" the woman the chance to see her fetus and listen to its heart beat before they kill it.

Next, our friend Jan axed funding for Planned Parenthood. Because even though Arizona law already bans state money for abortion, if you place money into the bloodied hands of the Planned Parenthood abortionplex, we know they'll use it to fund abortion, instead of all the other women's health services they provide.

But Jan wasn't quite finished. Just a few days ago, she signed a bill into law that allows religious-oriented employers to deny insurance coverage for birth control and abortion-inducing drugs. Women can get coverage for birth control, but they have to prove they're taking the pill for a medical condition rather than for just being a big slut.

But, ladies, while Jan may hate your vagina, she cares deeply for the P-E-N-I-S. Contrast all her decisions on hoohahs with last year's veto of Arizona's Birther Bill. It wasn't because birthers are douche bags or because she's jealous of Orly Taitz because she has way more roots showing and her hair is frizzier and her face more wrinkled. No. She vetoed it because the law required presidential candidates to prove they are US citizens by showing their P-E-N-I-S (circumcision certificate). Jan just thought that was awful. A man's penis for God's sake? What about privacy? What about rights? HELLO! "This," said she, "is a bridge too far."

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We have been hearing ever since late last week that Michael Cohen is probably about to be arrested and probably going to be indicted on one million charges and probably maybe might be about to try to flip and make a deal so that he doesn't end up in prison for the rest of his natural life. In fact, we have been hanging our hopes on it, because everything else sucks. Sure, we are still filled with joy over how Paul Manafort is on day four of JAIL, MOTHERFUCKER, JAIL, but then we remembered what is happening on the border and what we are saying right now is we need something happy.

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It was a big weekend for the New Cruelty, with the first tent city for kids opening in Texas and immediately becoming the focus of protests, the head of Homeland Security lying about the Trump administration's family separation policy, and one of the architects of that policy, Stephen Miller, telling the New York Times about what a brilliant policy it is. And more and more kids continue to be taken from their families. Let's round up the latest in the ongoing nightmare our crapsack nation has become.

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