Arkansas GOP Hero Proposes Hilarious Amendment To Put Liz Cheney In Jail
We all have family members who are fuck-ups, right? Uncle Larry who gives a creepy smile to the 14-year-old cousins at the family reunion, or Aunt Peg who has four DUIs. Back in Biblical times, the sins of family were sometimes used to punish innocent people. But that was long ago when people still believed that talking snakes handed out fruit at Eden’s Downtown Organic Farmer’s Market. We have evolved beyond such silly notions as “visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation,” because we all know that the only part of the Old Testament that matters is the part about teh gays' unnatural sexytimes and how they should be stoned to death because ewwww.
Well, the world’s worst Constitutional lawyer and elected member of Congress (HOWWW?!?!?!) Rep. Todd Cotton (R-Stoopid) is trying bring back the good ol’ days and find ways to punish family members for no other reason that being related to someone who breaks the law.
Rep. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) on Wednesday introduced legislation that would "automatically" punish family members of people who violate U.S. sanctions against Iran, levying sentences of up to 20 years in prison.
Yes, you read that correctly – 20 years in the slammer because you are related to someone who violated sanctions against Iran. (So sorry, Liz Cheney!) Isn’t there some sort of really old document written about 200 years ago and worshiped by Teabaggers that might, maybe, kinda have something to say about that? Yes, in fact, there are about a GAZILLION FUCKING REASONS why this is awful and unconstitutional, so let’s wonksplain why.
First off, Article III of the GODDAM U.S. CONSTITUTION says this:
The Congress shall have power to declare the Punishment of Treason, but no Attainder of Treason shall work Corruption of Blood, or Forfeiture except during the Life of the Person attainted.
Now, Yr Wonkette is no fancy-pants Constitutional lawyer like fucktwit Rep. Cotton, but does have access to Google (and even Bing) and can easily figure out that Corruption of Blood is an Olde Timey British thingy that basically means you can’t punish an entire family because one person is a traitor.
But you know who does disappear and punish family members of suspected political dissidents? FUCKING NORTH KOREA, the absolute worst human rights abusing nation on the planet -- we mean, they are EVEN WORSE than the IRS!!! Apparently Rep. Cotton hates Iran so much that he wants to borrow ideas from Dennis Rodman’s BFF.
But wait, it gets worse. Rep. Cotton, would you care to elaborate about your amendment?
Cotton also seeks to punish any family member of those people, "to include a spouse and any relative to the third degree," including, "parents, children, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, grandparents, great grandparents, grandkids, great grandkids," Cotton said.
"There would be no investigation," Cotton said during Wednesday's markup hearing before the House Foreign Affairs Committee.
Hahahaha, investigations are for pussies. If some diaper-wearing 3-year-old is the great-grandkid of someone who broke the Iran sanctions law, throw that motherfuckin toddler in juvie, and toss away the key. Can’t have our preschools corrupted by his tainted blood. He might raise up an army of disaffected toddlers who will coordinate the world’s largest simultaneous diaper blowout, or something. Solitary confinement for all baby terrorists! No need for a trial, right, Rep. Cotton?
Hold on a sec! Apparently the Constitution has some dumb amendment that says, “no person ... shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.” Maybe Rep. Cotton can only count to two, and since that's the Fifth Amendment, he hasn’t read it yet. Or maybe he was jerking off to the sweet sweet sound of Rush Limbaugh’s derping and missed the class on the Fifth Amendment when he was at law school to BECOME A FUCKING CONSTITUTIONAL LAWYER.
Reluctantly, Rep. Cotton withdrew his amendment when basically everyone on the Committee informed him that he is a dumb, ridiculous piece of shit and a complete embarrassment to the entire state of Arkansas, and even to Congress. The GOP Committee chair basically laughed in his face and told him to go blow a goat.
Since Wonkette is not an investigative outlet, we could find no evidence that any of Rep. Cotton’s family has been convicted of a crime. And we would never outsource that type of work to Our Glorious Readers. If Wonkette allowed comments, readers might do so here.